Scene Killer Challenge

[Devor]

This is a modified version of something I saw online.

For each post, you describe a scene that you would like to see in a fantasy story. The next poster will then add information to the scene that completely ruins it, and then that the poster describes his or her own scene.

For instance:

Poster 1: I want to see a wizard wielding powerful magic to tear down a castle wall.

Poster 2: The wizard uses the tides to destroy a small sand castle. I want to see . . .

To start us off, we'll go with:

I want to see a warrior lose an epic duel.

 

[Gryphos]

The warrior lost his epic, limited-edition dualshock controller somewhere behind the sofa.

I want to see a dragon lay waste to a city.

 

[Jabrosky]

The dragon lays waste to the city by singing "I Love You, You Love Me" over and over again.

I want to see a ninja fighting a pack of raptors.

 

[MFreako]

This new Raptor beer the ninja's heard so much about tastes like crap. His sword makes short work of the six-pack.

I want to see the Chosen One give up defeating the Dark Lord.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

EDIT - Had to eat, and didn't post because I hadn't written the I want to see part. (All set now!)

Spoiler: warrior losing epic battle, in case anyone's curious

The two relentless masters of their arts battle for hours. It is a contest of might versus magic, and neither Kheldarr nor Gwendelle is willing to cede. At last, the mana is drained from Gwendelle. The barbarian commands the pixie to yield. She refuses. Kheldarr raises his sword overhead, and with a mighty swing, he shatters his blade over the pixie's diamond-hard pink hair. As the warrior stands stupefied, staring at his broken blade, Gwen kicks him in the shin. Kheldarr throws what's left of his weapon at her, but the pixie is quick. She flies out of reach until, finally, the elderly Grandmaster Rubi is forced to call the fight.

"Gwen wins."

"Wins what?" Kheldarr demands to know. "A kick to the shin nothing! I've been kicked in the face by a hill giant. He broke his toe. Then I broke him!"

"Well, Gwen did not break her toe. And her attack, harmless or not, is the only attack that was not successfully fended in the past nine hours. I want to go to bed. A winner's been declared. The battle is over. Now go away, everybody."

Kheldarr glares at the pixie. "You cheat." He turns and walks away, wondering if this is how the hill giant felt when defeated by a puny human. "But I am not a puny human," he says to the dispersing crowd. "I am Kheldarr."

But the crowd's non-response proves to Kheldarr his name means nothing. In fact, it is worse than that. From this day on, no one is impressed by the phrase, 'I am Kheldarr.' Within two moons, fathers who named sons after the famous fighter have already had their boys' names legally changed. There is only one Kheldarr left. Where he is, nobody cares.

Just as the Chosen One is about to finish the Dark Lord by ripping his head off, he whispers, "You know what, Dark Lord? I get all these cool Chosen One powers as long as you're still alive. So, here's the deal. I beat the crap out of you, and when I've got you pretty badly beaten, I'm gonna throw you through a wall. You run away shouting, 'ya, ha, ha, I live to fight another day!' I shout, 'curse you Dark Lord,' and…"


* * *


I want to see an east-meets-west heroic couple, combining her ways of the east with his ways of the west to battle evil forces and win.

 

[Devor]

The couple from eastern Virginia and West Virginia succeed heartily in conquering the oppressive price gauging at their local gas station by threatening to call the police.

I want to see a hero from today's urban slums fall back in time and become King of Spain.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

FATHER: "Si, after I saved mi tio and his auto shop, things slowed down a bit. Set me back ten years, I figure, pues… I do not let a little down time in my life keep me down for good. I persevered, and mira! Now they call me King of Spain."

DAUGHTER: "But Papi! This is Little Spain, which unlike real Spain, is littler than Little Italy."

FATHER: "This is not the real Spain, and I am not a real King. But do not be discouraged by that, Mija. The respect for this King of Spain is real."


* * *


I want to see a stealthy assassin commit the perfect murder.

 

[Devor]

The Perfect Murder:

During the past six months I have posed as nearly half a dozen different servants in the castle, each with a different story, a different disguise, even a different outlook on life. Through these jobs I have gained access throughout the castle. In the king's council chambers I have used acid to loosen the mortar around one of the stones to create a hiding spot behind the curtains that will not be noticed. In the apothecary, I have stolen a variety of different poisons, rolled them in wax to match the color of the goblets, and only just finished sticking them to the bottom of drinking goblets that will be delivered throughout the castle. There will be too many suspects, and too many victims, for them to trace this back to me.

I have hired a handful of thugs to assault King Nebulakhan. They believe that an old wizard will put the guards to sleep and guarantee their success. But I do not want to waste that kind of magic. They will be beaten, and taken to the dungeon, and some time later this evening the poisons they ingested will cause their flesh to melt into a pile of venomous scorpions. Their sacrifice will provide me a number of useful diversions and create panic through the castle.

Fifteen? Twenty? people will die. The king will have been assaulted. Poisonous scorpions will attack political prisoners in the dungeons. And I will hide in the council chamber, behind the stone, waiting in patience. When the privy council is finished, I will push aside the stone. The old general, my father, though nobody knows it, will see me sneak out of hiding. I've already stolen his short sword.

I will plunge it into my loins. The king will see that the good general has murdered the king's trusted wizard. That he has attempted to stage a coop. And all of his legacy of warfare and conquest will be turned to treachery.

And I will have won, where arguments and reason have failed. I will have murdered his legacy of violence. I will have killed many, but I will bring peace.

It will be the perfect murder.

________________

I want to see a band of ogres dance on the grave of a vicious knight.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

No, you don't want to see this, but you're going to anyway.



Side by side, arms on shoulders, a dozen ogres kick their legs in unison as they dance on the vicious knight's grave and sing…

We dance to the plight
Of the mighty knight
We dance the knight away
…two, three, KICK

We dance all night
On his shallow grave
And say, hey knight
This was no close shave

You diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-
-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied…
Well this is his grave
Ain't that implied?

We dance to the plight
Of the mighty knight
We dance the…

All of the ogres stop dancing, except for one who sheepishly finishes the verse.

…knight away. Two.

Then he stops as well. A fair maiden with flowers approaches the grave, scarcely able to contain her tears.

One ogre says, "Well that just sucks the fun out of it." And all of the ogre go home and let the maiden mourn the knight in peace.


* * *


I want to see a divine comedy that's actually supposed to be funny.

 

[Devor]

Unfortunately the divine comedy was written in ancient Greek and the humor was lost in translation.

I want to see a story about a Dark Lord who conquers and destroys most of the world, realizes it was all for naught, and then kills himself.

 

[Gryphos]

It's one hell of a game of Civilization V, but at the end he realises games won't help with his crippling debt and chronic depression, so he takes his own life.

 

[Devor]

It's one hell of a game of Civilization V, but at the end he realises games won't help with his crippling debt and chronic depression, so he takes his own life.

^I didn't want to see that at all.

I do want to see a dragon eat an army of orcs.

 

[Aspasia]

Rand Al'Thor samples the delicacies of Andor's newest pastry shop.

I want to see an epic sea battle of pirates vs. a great navy.

 

[Muqtada]

Assassin's Creed: Black Flag was fun but the gameplay got a little repetitive. You decide to stop procrastinating and work on your WIP instead of finishing the game.

I want to see the hero defeat evil but become evil in the process.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

After Dan Dare defeats the Lime Knight and the Limpid Green Knight, he realizes that killing knights is easy. He says to the White Knight, "You know what? This is kinda fun." He kills the White Knight, too. The head just flies off.

Weeks later the Black Knight says, "I hear you joined the dark side."

"Nah," says Dan as he hacks the knight's limbs off, "I just like killing knights." He decapitates the Black Knight, then guts the Morally Gray Knight just because he happens to be next to him in line at the fruit stand. After eating an orange, he hunts down the Orange Knight.

"Why are we fighting?" the Tangerine Knight cries out as Dan disarms him down to the shoulder.

"You remind me of the Orange Knight, but I can't find him."

Eventually, Dan Dare is fatally wounded by the Pink Knight. When she removes her helmet, she asks the hero-turned-villain if he's surprised to see he was defeated by a woman.

"Not really." Dan musters enough strength to remove his own helmet, revealing an ugly, pimply face. "Does this look like the face of a ladykiller? Ack."





I'd like to see a dramatic death scene in which the dying person's last words causing a misunderstanding; thus, hilarity ensues.

The "thus" part's important. Hilarity had better ensue, zeusdammit! Or maybe it doesn't ensue, and that's how you kill the scene.

 

[Penpilot]

She heard the words, "Just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby," so Hilarity Martha Smith ensued her dying husband's request. She didn't realize she'd misheard and he actually said, "Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."

After typing those words down, someone slapped the author of this story in the back of the head and said, "Hey dumb-ass, that's not how you use the word 'Ensue'."

------------------
I want to see a rebel find a cause.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Cue sound.

He pulls up on his motorcycle. Cut engines. A black boot hits the pavement. Black jeans dismount. A gloved hand reaches into a leather jacket. A thick cigar emerges from the inside pocket. Bite down. Light up.

Black boots step up the side walk. Deep inside a black beard, gritted teeth clamp down on a cigar. A black glove pounds on a red door. Door opens. Cigar falls. Gritted teeth spew smoke. More smoke under a boot. The gritted teeth speak.

"I'm collecting for the Red Cross."

Fade to black.



* * *



I want to see the princess escape before the knight enters the dragon's lair.

 

[Devor]

Sitting alone on a bed in her tower, Princess Ezhila looked up from her knitting and casually glanced out the window. Sir PrettyHair, the handsome knight of the Great Gold Castle, was galloping up the road coming to her rescue.

Princess Ezhila cast aside her knitting and rushed to the window with a little shriek. She stuck her head out and let her hair flow into the open air beneath her. First she waved for the knight's attention. And when he lifted his visor and gazed in her direction . . .

. . . she stuck a finger in her mouth and puked, flipping the bird at him with both her hands. The spew fell in front of twelve flights of stone and landed in the bushes.

Even a dragon can't scare that creep away, she thought to herself as she rushed back inside, wiping off her mouth quickly with her hand. She picked up her knitting. For a moment she thought she cared about the unfinished scarf, but then she saw it for what it was. It was a rubbish first attempt. She left it and ran down the tower steps.

"Darco!" she screamed at her dragon, "There's a wannabe dragon slayer coming up the hill. Let's go up north and visit the mountains." She climbed up on the dragon's back. "How are dragons at skiing?"

Darco roared with a smile, pushed open the back door, and took a few steps out of the tower basement just as Sir PrettyHair pushed open the small oak door behind them.

"I have come for the maiden's hand!" he screamed.

Princess Ezhila laughed. Darco snorted. Then the dragon clawed at a small stone in the tower wall, and twelve flights of stone landed upon the handsome knight of the Great Gold Castle, Sir PrettyHair.

The princess slapped Darco across the back of his head. "You just - you just killed him!" she yelled. "Just like that. And you completely wrecked our home." She slowly shook her head. "Well come on, then. Way to ruin our escape."

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I want to see a halfling kill a man in cold blood.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Nissa, the Half-Halfling

Nissa stepped into the bath house. According to the sign on the door, the room was vacant. But there in the tub was a pale man. Tall. A human. And his teeth were sharp.

Nissa quickly wrapped her little body in her bath towel. "What are you doing?" she asked with a quiver in her voice. She had already locked the door. Her little legs couldn't outrun the man.

"I am bathing in the blood of maidens," he said. "It's good for my complexion. We vampires are rather pale, yet our skin is too sensitive for the sun. Unlife just isn't fair."

Nissa noticed a scabbard on the far side of the tub. No use running, she knew. The brave little lady edged closer.

"The blood of maidens, you say? I didn't realize there were any killings lately."

"It's old blood," said the vampire. "Like fine wine, it is best aged." He studied Nissa, as if undressing her with his eyes. "Barely over two feet… small even by halfling standards. You must be well into your teens, but… oh, yes. Innocence. I see it in your eyes, maiden."

"M-me? Y-yes… a m-maiden. B-but my b-blood is… n-not aged. Uh…"

He reached for a syringe, hoping for a small sample of Nissa's blood. He mumbled, "A quarter pint won't harm her."

But Nissa jumped in the tub. "DIE!" She ran the vampire through with his own blade. As she climbed out she griped, "Damn! It's like ice water in there!"



* * *



I want to see something fast and furious (cause I'm rushing out the door)!