The Only 10 Must Follow Rules Every Writer Needs

[Philip Overby]

I came up with a list of rules that every writer absolutely needs to follow.

1. Write about cats. Everyone loves cats. Don't believe me? Millions of hits on Youtube says you're wrong.

2. Make sure your prologue contains a cat. If it doesn't, go and change it right now.

3. More explosions. Hollywood blockbusters strive on this. Why not books? If we really want people to read our books, we need more explosions.

4. Every character in your novel needs at least ten weapons. More weapons=winning book.

5. Every character in your novel needs to be described down to even the most minute detail.

6. More monologues (meaning more people talking to themselves.) If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

7. More archaic language. If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

8. More rule 1+rule 7.

9. I propose a new genre that every fantasy writer should work in: splatter-elf. This transcends grimdark and includes more and more elves with buckets of blood being sloshed all over the page. Elf blood=money.

10. Every novel has to be between 80,000-900,000 words. There is no flexibility here. I'm going to put money on the fact that 900,000 word books will be the wave of the future.

Follow these rules and I guarantee you'll be successful. If you don't, then it's only your fault what happens to your writing career.

 

[Chilari]

Thanks Phil. I've been struggling with writer's block recently and your post helped me realise that I need to put more cats and explosions into my novel. Here's my new opening:

The mine exploded and cats poured out of the tunnel into my cell. It must have been a dream, because that stuff is weird, yo, but then Siril came and said my name and it was real. There were more explosions and cats as we made our way up out of the mine into the night, stepping past the dead elf guard who was so completely covered in so much blood half way up the tunnel. I drew my left short-sword as we approached the opening, and heard a gunshot ahead, so then I put away my left shortsword and pulled out my dual pistols, before thinking better of it and taking my rifle off my back. I held it one handed while unstrapping my smoke-grenades from where they were kept on my trouser leg. I pulled the pins with my teeth and tossed them ahead of us, swearing loudly, then drew my sabre. Pof pof pof and the smoke grenades went off. Through the smoke, there were shouts, screams, meows and the sounds of more explosions.

 

[BWFoster78]

Chilari,

Oh. My. Gawd! When can I buy this novel?

My only complaint: maybe a few more cats and maybe bigger explosions and, perhaps, a tad more blood and weapons.

Totes Fabu!

 

[Philip Overby]

Chilari: I really like this, but I'm sorry, there are not enough cats. However, I did like the "pof pof pof" part. In fact, it's my favorite line ever.

 

[Chilari]

Brian, I'm so glad you like it. I'm gonna self-publish some time it next week, after I've written another 899,600 words on it. And don't worry, there will be so many more cats and explosions in it, and also weapons. Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons; he will be a major character right to chapter 547.

 

[Philip Overby]

Chilari,

Oh. My. Gawd! When can I buy this novel?

My only complaint: maybe a few more cats and maybe bigger explosions and, perhaps, a tad more blood and weapons.

Totes Fabu!

I'm in complete agreement except that the explosions were perfect in my estimation. Maybe have the explosions be a little less telegraphed? That would be my only addendum.

 

[BWFoster78]

Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons;

Best. Idea. Ever!

 

[Philip Overby]

Brian, I'm so glad you like it. I'm gonna self-publish some time it next week, after I've written another 899,600 words on it. And don't worry, there will be so many more cats and explosions in it, and also weapons. Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons; he will be a major character right to chapter 547.

899,600 words? Isn't that really long?

Oh wait, I remember my advice from earlier now. Carry on.

Just a tip, I think your cat explosions expert should have the following weapons:

Dagger, knife, longer knife, dagger-knife, curved knife, bone knife, switchblade, switchblade comb, and knife-bomb. I don't know what a knife-bomb is, but I'll leave that up to you.

 

[BWFoster78]

Dagger, knife, longer knife, dagger-knife, curved knife, bone knife, switchblade, switchblade comb, and knife-bomb. I don't know what a knife-bomb is, but I'll leave that up to you.

Phil,

While your rules were quite masterful, I'm quite, quite disappointed by this list. I'll give you the knife-bomb as a stroke of literary genius, but how can you have a cat explosions expert with no ninja weapons? Really!?!

At a minimum, the cat simply must possess a throwing star.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Phil,

While your rules were quite masterful, I'm quite, quite disappointed by this list. I'll give you the knife-bomb as a stroke of literary genius, but how can you have a cat explosions expert with no ninja weapons? Really!?!

At a minimum, the cat simply must possess a throwing star.

I just assumed all cats are by default ninjas. You've seen them jump right?
It's food for though though. May have to try and add some clarity there.

 

[BWFoster78]

I just assumed all cats are by default ninjas. You've seen them jump right?
It's food for though though. May have to try and add some clarity there.

Of course all cats are ninjas! Ninjas need ninja weapons. Duh!

 

[Chilari]

Yeah, my cat explosions expert (Jack LeCat-Bombier) will have all those suggested weaapons and MORE, including throwing stars, throwing knives, a grappling hook with spikes on that can be used as a weapon, nun-chucks, nun-chuck-pipe-bombs, nun-chucks with mini-grenades hidden in a compartment in the handles, nun-chucks with pipe-bombs hidden in a compartment in the handles, a mini-katana, a second mini-katana with mini-grenades hidden in a compartment in the handle, a pair of flintlock pistols with images of explosions engraved in gold in the grips, a slightly smaller pair of flintlock pistols made of ebony so they're black and suitable for ninjaing with images of cats engraved in the grips, a mini-pistol kept hidden in case Jack LeCat-Bombier is searched and all his other weapons are confiscated, or in case he's in disguise as a princess at a posh party; and finally, a whip, like Indiana Jones.

 

[BWFoster78]

Love the cat-engraved grips and the Indy whip. Awesome!

EDIT: The funny thing is that I find myself getting excited about this project. If you were to do a Jack LeCat-Bombier anthology, I'd probably try to write something for it. Just a thought...

 

[Svrtnsse]

There should be a giant robot cat with laser nun-chucks for whiskers. They're like light sabers but nun-chucks and laser instead of light.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

I was thinking the cat would have exploding elves as weapons. Little elves with pointy hats that stay on, so when the elf is thrown at you it sticks into you. Then, BOOMSPLAT!, you become a bloodsplosion[SUP]TM[/SUP].

The weapon would be called a Blood Elf. The cat who throws it would be Darkravenpanther of the Nightstalker Clan of Deathmarsh Swamp.


...which is not really a swamp, but a murky bay in the Sea of Blood, which is only 47% blood. It passes the 50% mark on page 523,894, and is more blood than water for the remainder of the novel, hitting 51% on the page where the main character sacrifices 8 of his lives just to be awesome. He even has a clever line. "I'm a cat, you jerk. You gotta kill me nine times, or it's boomsplat for you. Jerk." Then I narrate, BOOMSPLAT. As the reader, it's your responsibility to know that means the cat killed every bad guy in the chapter with a single Blood Elf.

STEALTH EDIT - The elf dies, too.

Stealthy like a cat! Boomsplat.

 

[Philip Overby]

Love the cat-engraved grips and the Indy whip. Awesome!

EDIT: The funny thing is that I find myself getting excited about this project. If you were to do a Jack LeCat-Bombier anthology, I'd probably try to write something for it. Just a thought...

See? My rules are fool-proof. Fool...proof.

I was thinking the cat would have exploding elves as weapons. Little elves with pointy hats that stay on, so when the elf is thrown at you it sticks into you. Then, BOOMSPLAT!, you become a bloodsplosionTM.

OK, I'll say it first: splatterelf anthology coming soon in which every story has to feature exploding elves as weapons. Do it. Submissions are due on January 32nd, 2004.

 

[Penpilot]

OMG OMG OMG.... I can't believe it. I just wrote a story that fits the ten rules exactly. But I'm going to add a special feature to all my e-books. When someone opens up an e-book version of my story, a ninja cat jumps out being chased by elves. Exactly one micro-second later, the book will explode behind them and engulf the elves in a ball of fiery doom. The resulting carnage (or BBQ depending on which way you swing) smells oddly like candy, Cranberry Schnapps, and crispy chicken all in one.

 

[Devor]

OMG OMG OMG.... I can't believe it. I just wrote a story that fits the ten rules exactly. But I'm going to add a special feature to all my e-books. When someone opens up an e-book version of my story, a ninja cat jumps out being chased by elves. Exactly one micro-second later, the book will explode behind them and engulf the elves in a ball of fiery doom. The resulting carnage (or BBQ depending on which way you swing) smells oddly like candy, Cranberry Schnapps, and crispy chicken all in one.

Readers will never buy it. The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, Orange Schnapps, and smoked ham." You need to do your research.

 

[Penpilot]

Readers will never buy it. The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, Orange Schnapps, and smoked ham." You need to do your research.

AWWWWW!!! Stoopid Mythbusters.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Don't believe the hype. Give people what they want. After all, everyone knows cranberry schnapps is what really puts the hairs on the chest of the barbarians.