The Only 10 Must Follow Rules Every Writer Needs

[Michael J. Tobias]

I'm thinking of a little old librarian cat lady who is the hero. She has 1000 cats that explode on command. That's right. 1000 cats, 1000 weapons, 1000 explosions. Library patrons who talk on the cell phone in the library, you people are DOOMED.

 

[Philip Overby]

I'm really glad my post inspired you all. You may all thank me in the dedication section of your sure to be bestseller books.

I actually will have an e-book ($59.99) out soon called "How To Put More Cats and Explosions in Your Story So People Don't Fall Asleep or Give you 1-Star Reviews Because There Aren't Enough Cats and/or Explosions: Part 1."

Also I expect free copies of your books...and truffles. I like chocolate truffles.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Also I expect free copies of your books...and truffles. I like chocolate truffles.

Wait... we need truffles in the book too? Crap, now I'll have to edit everything all over again, but if you say so, truffle-chewing laser-ninja elf-cats it is.

 

[DassaultMirage]

I'll change my MC and give him 10 cats and a bucket filled with elf blood as weapons.

1,2,3,4 and 9 = solved

 

[Devor]

Honestly, a puss-in-boots-type cat explosives expert killing a bunch of elves would make an awesome youtube video.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

How did this thread go from having more cats and explosions to having more cats exploding? My cats were unhappy when they heard this and are now somewhere behind my couches clawing the backs out of them. Phil, I blame you for this and will send a bill (or an exploding chocolate truffle - I haven't decided) in the mail!

Now that I think about it I have decided. Just remember that the best chocolate truffles tick!

Cheers, Greg.

 

[BWFoster78]

All kidding aside:

If Chilari isn't going to write a Jack LeCat-Bombier story, she at least needs to sponsor a challenge utilizing the character. I really, really want to read about a ninja cat explosives expert.

 

[deilaitha]

Okay, so I'm a little tardy to this party, but I absolutely love this thread. Everything about it has made me laugh, particularly Lengendary Sidekick's use if the word "bloodsplosion." I don't know whether you came up with that or got the idea elsewhere, but that. is. awesome.

All the talk about splatterelf made me think of this game that circulated the internet 10 or so years ago: elf bowling. You were Santa, and the elves were bowling pins. When you hit them, sometimes they'd get bruised. If it was a good hit, one would just explode and cartoony blood went everywhere.

 

[Zero Angel]

I can't believe I even clicked into this thread after seeing this so many times on the forums before only to be pleasantly surprised. THANK YOU FOR THE SATIRE.

Oh wait, but elf blood and cats are effective...

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Okay, so I'm a little tardy to this party, but I absolutely love this thread. Everything about it has made me laugh, particularly Lengendary Sidekick's use if the word "bloodsplosion." I don't know whether you came up with that or got the idea elsewhere, but that. is. awesome.

Well, if I did rip that word off from somebody, I trademarked it:

bloodsplosion[SUP]TM[/SUP]

…so it's my word now. It's legally protected.

And I like BOOMSPLAT even better, so BOOMSPLAT's illegally protected. By him:

Or her. I never feel right checking under the tail. That's how my cat ended up being named Felix… three weeks before we discovered she was pregnant.

(RIP Felix, 1989-2005)

 

[Penpilot]

Well, if I did rip that word off from somebody, I trademarked it:

Quote Originally Posted by ME!
bloodsplosionTM

…so it's my word now. It's legally protected.

I just realized where I know that word from. It's a skill in the video game Borderlands 2 Bloodsplosion - Borderlands Wiki - Walkthroughs, Weapons, Classes, Character builds, Enemies, DLC and more!

You can try to take it but it belongs to this guy.

His name is Krieg, and he says "I know what I have become... I am the inside of this world... I taste the gore, and I smell the crying... AND I WANT MORE! I want to bathe in your flesh, I want to savor your fear. I wanna live inside a castle built of your agony, AND I WANT TO CRUMBLE IT WITH AN AXE TO YOUR CAROTID ARTERY!"

He's a psycho... literally... so umm... good luck with that claim.

 

[James Chandler]

Phil,

So, should I have a cat named Shakespeare covered in elf blood as part of my Prologue or is it and elf named Shakespeare who explodes?

Am I understanding these rules correctly? Where do I sign up for the workshop? Will there be a DVD collection of the lectures?

 

[Philip Overby]

Phil,

So, should I have a cat named Shakespeare covered in elf blood as part of my Prologue or is it and elf named Shakespeare who explodes?

Am I understanding these rules correctly? Where do I sign up for the workshop? Will there be a DVD collection of the lectures?

It needs to be a elf with a cat face that explodes when it drinks its own blood. A vampelfeline (TM). Sidekick isn't the only person that can trademark stuff around here.

Also please don't share these 10 rules I shared. I made them special for Mythic Scribes because I love all you folks so much. If you betray my trust, I won't send you a free e-book version of my really long titled book that I forgot the name of already (Something Something Cat Elf Something Blood Fountain...)

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

He's a psycho... literally... so umm... good luck with that claim.

Aww, boomsplat it all to hell! He probably protects that word illegally, too. I guess I lose. I hope that psycho chokes on an elf. The exploding kind.

 

[Penpilot]

Aww, boomsplat it all to hell! He probably protects that word illegally, too. I guess I lose. I hope that psycho chokes on an elf. The exploding kind.

He'd probably like that. If you want to really hurt him, give him flowers, pat him on the head, and say good boy, kind boy. That'd drive him nuts... umm... nuts-er.

 

[Hainted]

Rule number 11: Your protagonist MUST be female, and supernatural, and lusted after by every supernatural male in a 1000 mile radius and even though she eventually finds her one true love(the "jerk" she couldn't stand from book one) she has sex with many of them anyway.

 

[Ravana]

Readers will never buy it. The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, Orange Schnapps, and smoked ham." You need to do your research.

But, but wait… if they're "Mythbusters"… and we're "Mythic Scribes"… oh, man, this is awesome! I'm talking totally made-the-big-leagues awesome! We just got us…

…an ARCHENEMY!

Brilliant! Every worthy, long-term-viable protagonist needs one of those.

I'm already visualizing the movie deals.…

•••

[Note: we, of course, will win. They may bust myths… but they still have scriptwriters. That is to say, "scribes." No matter how powerful their forces of demolition, in the long run they're doomed.]

 

[Ravana]

1. Write about cats. Everyone loves cats. Don't believe me? Millions of hits on Youtube says you're wrong.

2. Make sure your prologue contains a cat. If it doesn't, go and change it right now.

3. More explosions. Hollywood blockbusters strive on this. Why not books? If we really want people to read our books, we need more explosions.

4. Every character in your novel needs at least ten weapons. More weapons=winning book.

5. Every character in your novel needs to be described down to even the most minute detail.

6. More monologues (meaning more people talking to themselves.) If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

7. More archaic language. If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

8. More rule 1+rule 7.

9. I propose a new genre that every fantasy writer should work in: splatter-elf. This transcends grimdark and includes more and more elves with buckets of blood being sloshed all over the page. Elf blood=money.

10. Every novel has to be between 80,000-900,000 words. There is no flexibility here. I'm going to put money on the fact that 900,000 word books will be the wave of the future.

Should you ever need to justify the above in a context apart from the present one, here's the Translation for Professors of English Literature and Composition:

(1) Cross-cultural awareness is on the rise, and of late has moved beyond bridging mere differences of gender, ethnicity and religion. Recent trends show particular focus being granted to feline perspectives.

(2) Introduce pivotal characters at the outset.

(3) Dynamic physical action keeps your readers involved.

(4) A good protagonist should be versatile and prepared to overcome a variety of challenges.

(5) Use concrete detail.

(6) Provide insight into your characters' psychologies through introspection.

(7) Vary your vocabulary.

(8) Be especially aware of the vocabulary employed by your cross-cultural characters, as this constitutes a major facet of characterization.

(9) In the present post-post-modernism era, authors have finally elected to come to grips with the grim, dark and painful realities of our world, favoring unvarnished portrayals over comfortable, reassuring, sanitized and bowdlerized settings and actions. Inasmuch as you’re writing fantasy and are therefore not obliged to limit your portrayal of the grim, dark and painful to what is possible within our reality, take this tendency and run with it.

(10) When in doubt, Proustify.

 

[WeilderOfTheMonkeyBlade]

So basically what's being suggested here is that Michael Bay should write a book, only with added cats, and a couple of swimming pools worth of Elf blood??? *narrowed eyed stare* am I right??

I have actually got a Magic Otter in my current WIP- No joke, though it doesn't do much. What I'm thinking is, from this thread, is that I should make it a ninja, give it a cat's face to wear as a ninja mask, and cover it in elf blood. Then give it a few weapons;

Hammer, super hammer, rpg, .44magnum, pocket tank, a sword bomb, a potato grenade, a Kanata, a fiery katana.... no, two of them, magical numchucks, a claymore, really small explosive elf cats that run around and blow up, maybe a flame thrower, a shoulder mounted trebuchet. And I was thinking a shiv, but I don't know if that would be over the top.......

OHHH..... AND THEN COVER IT IN MOREEEEE ELF BLOOD

 

[Noma Galway]

But, but wait… if they're "Mythbusters"… and we're "Mythic Scribes"… oh, man, this is awesome! I'm talking totally made-the-big-leagues awesome! We just got us…

…an ARCHENEMY!

Brilliant! Every worthy, long-term-viable protagonist needs one of those.

I'm already visualizing the movie deals.…

•••

[Note: we, of course, will win. They may bust myths… but they still have scriptwriters. That is to say, "scribes." No matter how powerful their forces of demolition, in the long run they're doomed.]

YES! The pen is mightier than the bomb.