What does "it" refer to in this short extract?

[Ned Marcus]

Can you help me with part of my blurb for my new novel? I'm getting some very different interpretations for what "it" refers to. I need to get some more opinions before I decide what to change, if anything. Okay, here are the paragraphs:

When the alien intruders use black magic to twist the universe to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, it responds by summoning its own agent of destruction.

The orange witch hears its call and returns.

 

[Devor]

To me "it" here is an error and doesn't refer to anything in the sentence. On reread, it could possibly refer to Britain as a magical land or spirit doing the summoning on its own. On fourth reread, it looks it's clearly meant to be the "universe," and just, no, even that word is just too vague, and the magic applies to Britain, and it just doesn't work. Whatever the intention I would think it needs to be fixed.

 

[Queshire]

I'd say it refers to Britain but that does need to be clarified. If the first it is changed then the second can stay.

 

[pmmg]

I’d say ‘it’ means the universe. But it could be clearer. Generally, you can remove everything comma’d off and still have a complete sentence. Doing so here makes it clear the universe is the only thing that can make sense.

 

[BearBear]

When the alien intruders use black magic to twist the universe to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, it responds by summoning its own agent of destruction.

The orange witch hears its call and returns.

It is clearly the universe technically, given no other information, but it is somewhat vague because "the universe" seems wrong to be called "it". Until you add that orange witch line. Then I think, maybe she's it?

No it's unclear. Just repeat "the universe". No one will throw wadded $5 bills at you in protest.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Definitely a clarity issue, easily solved with a synonym in place of the "it" in question. Remember, the reader can't see what's in your head. They need to be hand fed information. Also, repeating descriptions in the same sentence is a mark of the amateur (sorry, BearBear) and is a personal pet peeve of mine. Why repeat when English offers so much to draw from?

Now, as a caveat, I have repeated within sentences and paragraphs before, but intentionally for rhythm and reinforcement. You need neither, here.

Also, there's an issue with "use." You have it in the wrong tense for referring to plural alien intruders, I believe.

 

[BearBear]

Also, repeating descriptions in the same sentence is a mark of the amateur (sorry, BearBear) and is a personal pet peeve of mine. Why repeat when English offers so much to draw from?

I aspire to be an ameture, so I appreciate this.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Clearly, it refers to Tim Curry in a stupid clown outfit in a stupid mini-series which was later made into two stupid movies.

If that isn't what you're going for, I'm at a loss.

 

[Ned Marcus]

Also, there's an issue with "use." You have it in the wrong tense for referring to plural alien intruders, I believe.

Alien intruders are they, so "use" would be right, right? They use, not they uses.

 

[Ned Marcus]

Thanks everyone.

A little over half of the people I've asked understood my intention. "It" refers to the universe, although I can clearly see that it causes confusion. Originally, I thought about repeating "the universe," as in "the universe responds..." The reason I didn't was because of repetition of the word "universe" but perhaps this is unavoidable.

I'd rather repeat a word than use an unsuitable one, and there aren't many suitable synonyms for universe. "The heavens" or "firmament" or "creation" seem a bit heavy-handed. Others, like "cosmos," not as good.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

What's the whole blurb look like? The issue is that people don't tend to see the universe responding to anything; why the hell would it care about Britain, anyhow? heh heh. Gaia, sure. It's hokey, but it works.

The easier thing to do would be to get rid of the reference to the universe in the first place and then use universe instead of "it". Double bonus here because I despise King movies, heh heh. So, let's say...

When the alien intruders use black magic to twist the fabric of the cosmos to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, the universe responds by summoning its own agent of destruction.

The orange witch hears its call and returns.

Something akin to that... fabric of time and space?

 

[Ned Marcus]

What's the whole blurb look like? The issue is that people don't tend to see the universe responding to anything; why the hell would it care about Britain, anyhow? heh heh. Gaia, sure. It's hokey, but it works.

The easier thing to do would be to get rid of the reference to the universe in the first place and then use universe instead of "it". Double bonus here because I despise King movies, heh heh. So, let's say...

When the alien intruders use black magic to twist the fabric of the cosmos to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, the universe responds by summoning its own agent of destruction.

The orange witch hears its call and returns.

Something akin to that.

Maybe this would work. I know that most people don't see the universe as responding to anything, but I wanted a sentient universe in my story. I don't think it's sentimental. It doesn't particularly care about Britain, or any other place, but it reacts to a sickness of the spirit that they've started. It's not just Britain; it's spread to France and Belgium, and a demon's been spotted in California.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Well, that was a bit tongue in cheek, but I think sticking universe into slot #2 and using an option like twisting time and space, or some other option is best to avoid repetition in a tight space.

Maybe this would work. I know that most people don't see the universe as responding to anything, but I wanted a sentient universe in my story. I don't think it's sentimental. It doesn't particularly care about Britain, or any other place, but it reacts to a sickness of the spirit that they've started. It's not just Britain; it's spread to France and Belgium, and a demon's been spotted in California.

 

[Ned Marcus]

For reference, here's the complete blurb.

The Orange Witch Blurb

Can an alien witch counter an alien threat?

When the alien intruders use black magic to twist the universe to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, it responds by summoning its own agent of destruction.

The orange witch hears its call and returns.

Her task is to kill or banish the aliens.

Half human and half dragon, she confronts a power beyond anything that even she’s faced before.

The authorities keep the public ignorant. The loss of territory is labelled an ecological disaster. MI7 is secretly formed to counter the alien menace. And, believing the orange witch is from a competing alien faction, they’re sent to kill her.

Linguist Luke Lee has lost almost everything, including his wife. When aliens follow him home and attempt to kidnap his child, he’s forced to use his skills to combat them again.

A magical battle for Britain takes place.

Can the orange witch defeat the immensely powerful alien sorcerers?

Can she survive attempts by both the aliens and the authorities to kill her for long enough to complete her task?

She has seven days.

If you like fast-paced science fantasy, you’ll love Ned Marcus’s exciting new adventure.

 

[BearBear]

I'd rather repeat a word than use an unsuitable one, and there aren't many suitable synonyms for universe. "The heavens" or "firmament" or "creation" seem a bit heavy-handed. Others, like "cosmos," not as good.

Ametures FTW!

 

[Ned Marcus]

Ametures FTW!

I know that A.E. Lowan mentioned repetition for rhythm and reinforcement. I agree. But repetition for clarity is also important and sometimes necessary.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

The blurb seems to jump around, I'd work on trying to make it more cohesive and concise.

 

[Ned Marcus]

The blurb seems to jump around, I'd work on trying to make it more cohesive and concise.

What in particular?

 

[pmmg]

Ummmm... I dont agree (surprise). I think the repeat of the universe is the best way to write this... But you have added more. I took a stab at trying to make it cleaner.

I felt the part about Luke Lee did not really fit into the blurb well. Seemed like it was just thrown in to get his name mentioned. The character doing the work is the Orange Witch. I would maybe stick to just her. Hope it helps.



The Orange Witch Blurb

Can an alien witch counter an alien threat?!?

When alien intruders use black magic to twist the Universe to their will, spreading a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, the Universe responds by summoning its own agent of destruction--the Orange Witch!

She hears the call. She returns to do battle. Her task: to kill or banish the aliens.

But facing a threat, both half human and half dragon, she confronts a power beyond any she’s faced before.

And all while, the humanity she protects considers that she too may be part of the alien menace, and sends its own agents to kill her along with them..

Her only ally, linguist Luke Lee, who joins the fight when aliens follow him home, threatening his wife and child, and forcing him to use his skills to combat them to protect all he holds dear.

A magical battle for Britain takes place.

The Orange Witch must defeat the immensely powerful alien sorcerers.

Can she survive the attempts by both aliens and the human authorities sent to kill her, and can she complete her task?

She has seven days.

If you like fast-paced science fantasy, you’ll love Ned Marcus’s exciting new adventure.

 

[Prince of Spires]

I agree with Demesnedenoir that the blurb jumps around a lot. For starters, I can't figure out the genre, which is a big red flag for a blurb for me. With the mention of aliens and the Universe in sentence 1 and 2, I thought Science Fiction. Then we get a Witch (who's half dragon), which hints at Fantasy. Then there's MI7, which suggests Spy thriller, and finally we get Linguist Luke Lee who hints at either a Dan Brown type thriller, or a lone wolf rescuing his daughter.

It's also not really clear to me who the story is about. Am I supposed to root for the Witch (who doesn't have a name)? MI7, who seem to be both the good and the bad guys, or Luke Lee, who is mentioned only once in the middle of the blurb?

Then, especially with the layout of the blurb, there is no flow to it. You've got 11 paragraphs, which are only loosly connected. To me they feel more like a bunch of statements about the story than a narrative blurb. I would cut in the number of protagonists and antagonists, and focus on the main idea of the story. While doing so, make sure the genre is 100% clear, and follow the genre conventions for blurbs. Remember, a blurb's job is to sell the book, it's not specifically meant to explain the story, all elements in it, and give a complete picture.

Tell me who the main protagonist and antagonist are, how they are getting in each other's way, and end on a hook.