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What does "it" refer to in this short extract?

Devor

Fiery Keeper of the Hat
Moderator
Even with the best of the suggested rewrites people have made, if I picked up this book off a shelf in a store, I would put it back at the word universe. It emphasizes weak worldbuilding over character.

When the alien intruders spread a net of sickness and deceit over Britain and beyond, the orange witch has seven days to stop them. Will she be able to overcome her internal struggles and prove that she has what it takes to thwart the alien sorcerers? Or will she succumb to the weakness of her internal struggles while Britain burns.

Something like that, but longer and more specific.
 

Demesnedenoir

Myth Weaver
I'm assuming this is a sequel, but still, I agree with folks on character focus. But let's take a look at one major blurb... now, do note, this blurb has changed over time and /or has different blurbs for different editions, but still, major pro work.

Winter is coming. Such is the stern motto of House Stark, the northernmost of the fiefdoms that owe allegiance to King Robert Baratheon in far-off King’s Landing. There Eddard Stark of Winterfell rules in Robert’s name. There his family dwells in peace and comfort: his proud wife, Catelyn; his sons Robb, Brandon, and Rickon; his daughters Sansa and Arya; and his bastard son, Jon Snow. Far to the north, behind the towering Wall, lie savage Wildings and worse—unnatural things relegated to myth during the centuries-long summer, but proving all too real and all too deadly in the turning of the season.

Yet a more immediate threat lurks to the south, where Jon Arryn, the Hand of the King, has died under mysterious circumstances. Now Robert is riding north to Winterfell, bringing his queen, the lovely but cold Cersei, his son, the cruel, vainglorious Prince Joffrey, and the queen’s brothers Jaime and Tyrion of the powerful and wealthy House Lannister—the first a swordsman without equal, the second a dwarf whose stunted stature belies a brilliant mind. All are heading for Winterfell and a fateful encounter that will change the course of kingdoms.

Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea, Prince Viserys, heir of the fallen House Targaryen, which once ruled all of Westeros, schemes to reclaim the throne with an army of barbarian Dothraki—whose loyalty he will purchase in the only coin left to him: his beautiful yet innocent sister, Daenerys.


Now another big sucess, but this has a very traditional blurb...

Six days ago, astronaut Mark Watney became one of the first people to walk on Mars.

Now, he’s sure he’ll be the first person to die there.

After a dust storm nearly kills him and forces his crew to evacuate while thinking him dead, Mark finds himself stranded and completely alone with no way to even signal Earth that he’s alive—and even if he could get word out, his supplies would be gone long before a rescue could arrive.

Chances are, though, he won’t have time to starve to death. The damaged machinery, unforgiving environment, or plain-old “human error” are much more likely to kill him first.

But Mark isn’t ready to give up yet. Drawing on his ingenuity, his engineering skills—and a relentless, dogged refusal to quit—he steadfastly confronts one seemingly insurmountable obstacle after the next. Will his resourcefulness be enough to overcome the impossible odds against him?


Flow, character, story.
 
I'm going to disagree with both Devor and Demesnedenoir that you necessarily need that much character in your blurb. It's not a bad thing to weave a good character story of course. But if you're intentional about it, and if it's part of the selling point of your book and your target audience, then you can definitely go for a worldbuilding blurb as opposed to a character one.

To pick another blurb of a best selling fantasy novel:

Roshar is a world of stone and storms. Uncanny tempests of incredible power sweep across the rocky terrain so frequently that they have shaped ecology and civilization alike. Animals hide in shells, trees pull in branches, and grass retracts into the soilless ground. Cities are built only where the topography offers shelter.

It has been centuries since the fall of the ten consecrated orders known as the Knights Radiant, but their Shardblades and Shardplate remain: mystical swords and suits of armor that transform ordinary men into near-invincible warriors. Men trade kingdoms for Shardblades. Wars were fought for them, and won by them.

One such war is about to swallow up a soldier, a brightlord, and a young woman scholar.


It's pure worldbuilding. The characters get a passing mention in the last line of the blurb, they don't even get a name. And yet it works. Because it's very deliberate. It paints a vivid picture of an alien world where an epic battle is shaping up. It's very clearly aimed at Epic Fantasy readers with a love for deep worldbuilding.

That's the thing to remember, it's a sales tool, and only that. If you know your audience, then you'll know what they'll respond to. If you're going for Star Wars fans, then you'll want to mention the universe (or something similar). If you're going for Game of Thrones lovers, then you'll want to dig into the characters and complex relationships in a fantasy setting, while if you want to aim for Fantasy readers who love Dan Brown, then you'll play up the MI7 part and the linguist.

Do note that whichever way you go, the blurb needs to flow. You don't want to give the potential buyer a place to stop reading, because once they do, they're not coming back.
 

Demesnedenoir

Myth Weaver
Focus is the key, whether it's setting, world, or character. Neither of the two I mentioned were character based, they are mostly plot-based but include character points. IMO, this version of GoT is not as good as the one I was looking for, but I was too lazy to find that, heh heh. A blurb without focus isn't a good sales pitch. Fair or not, I will judge books by the blurb, in particular from indie authros since it tends to represent a writing sample of a sort.

I'm going to disagree with both Devor and Demesnedenoir that you necessarily need that much character in your blurb. It's not a bad thing to weave a good character story of course. But if you're intentional about it, and if it's part of the selling point of your book and your target audience, then you can definitely go for a worldbuilding blurb as opposed to a character one.

To pick another blurb of a best selling fantasy novel:

Roshar is a world of stone and storms. Uncanny tempests of incredible power sweep across the rocky terrain so frequently that they have shaped ecology and civilization alike. Animals hide in shells, trees pull in branches, and grass retracts into the soilless ground. Cities are built only where the topography offers shelter.

It has been centuries since the fall of the ten consecrated orders known as the Knights Radiant, but their Shardblades and Shardplate remain: mystical swords and suits of armor that transform ordinary men into near-invincible warriors. Men trade kingdoms for Shardblades. Wars were fought for them, and won by them.

One such war is about to swallow up a soldier, a brightlord, and a young woman scholar.


It's pure worldbuilding. The characters get a passing mention in the last line of the blurb, they don't even get a name. And yet it works. Because it's very deliberate. It paints a vivid picture of an alien world where an epic battle is shaping up. It's very clearly aimed at Epic Fantasy readers with a love for deep worldbuilding.

That's the thing to remember, it's a sales tool, and only that. If you know your audience, then you'll know what they'll respond to. If you're going for Star Wars fans, then you'll want to mention the universe (or something similar). If you're going for Game of Thrones lovers, then you'll want to dig into the characters and complex relationships in a fantasy setting, while if you want to aim for Fantasy readers who love Dan Brown, then you'll play up the MI7 part and the linguist.

Do note that whichever way you go, the blurb needs to flow. You don't want to give the potential buyer a place to stop reading, because once they do, they're not coming back.
 

Devor

Fiery Keeper of the Hat
Moderator
Neither of the two I mentioned were character based, they are mostly plot-based but include character points.

It's true that those blurbs don't focus on the character's inner journeys, but the characters are still front and center as the subject of the blurbs.


I'm going to disagree with both Devor and Demesnedenoir that you necessarily need that much character in your blurb. It's not a bad thing to weave a good character story of course. But if you're intentional about it, and if it's part of the selling point of your book and your target audience, then you can definitely go for a worldbuilding blurb as opposed to a character one.

I hate that I have to emphasize this.... but the suggestion to shift focus to the character was also a comment on the quality of the worldbuilding coming across from the blurb. It would be better in this case to shift attention to how the character experiences this story.
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
Even with the best of the suggested rewrites people have made, if I picked up this book off a shelf in a store, I would put it back at the word universe. It emphasizes weak worldbuilding over character.

I cant say you would not put it back, but I think the use of the term universe as some type of being on its own is not unique, and the universe as a mystical, even correcting, force is not so far out of human conception that I would not read it as such. Its just a stand in for a creative power protecting its creation. It would not be a show stopper to me.

I have a saying, you ask ten engineers how to make something, and you will get ten different answers and all of them will work. I think the same may be true for writers as well ;)

Honestly, I did not look at any blurb when I read GOT as it had already had such a reputation that I went looking for it. Seeing the blurb, it would not have sold me. The Mars one I would have been more likely to pick up.

On the blurb in question, the vibe I get is the book is a little on the light hearted side. I am interested in the Orange Witch, but not the linguist. I think it is trying to accomplish at bit more than its purpose. Its trying to include important aspects of the book, and not focused on being the hook that pulls em in. A strong blurb about the Orange Witch (so long its not entirely misleading) is probably enough.
 

Devor

Fiery Keeper of the Hat
Moderator
I cant say you would not put it back, but I think the use of the term universe as some type of being on its own is not unique, and the universe as a mystical, even correcting, force is not so far out of human conception that I would not read it as such. Its just a stand in for a creative power protecting its creation. It would not be a show stopper to me.

That's still not the..... okay, it's like this. The worldbuilding is very busy. There's alien sorcerers, and demons in Britain, and MI7, and presumably the Orange Witch has different magical roots than the sorcerers. There's a lot of very different things going on, so the question in mind as I read it is how is the author handling this? What's bringing it all together? And the answer is.... the universe. A force that doesn't even get a name. Specific details make something stronger, so something this vague comes across very weak. Not to mention: If the universe called the Orange Witch to the rescue - that makes her the Chosen One, doesn't it? To me, that's all very shaky, and it doesn't lead me to have any confidence that this story will succeed in pulling off something as busy as alien sorcerers in Britain.

But that alone doesn't even mean I would find the book to be bad if I read it. Given the right POV character, and a good plot, this mess could still be a lot of fun to play around in. But the blurb should be putting its best foot forward, and the blurb is leaning on the shaky worldbuilding. That's all I got, so I'd pass.
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
Yes, the blurb should also demonstrate the author has the chops to be trusted with telling the good story. And I am not sure I am sold on that either. But a lot of that is also subjective. If I had a Frank Luntz dial, I would say it went up around the Orange Witch, and down around the Linguist and the M17 stuff. In the in context of the story, which I have not read, it might all hit on the scale better. I simply cant know.

Would I buy this book? Hmmm... I dont know. I tend to go for dark, complex and with something to say. The vibe of the blurb does not give me this. I would expect a light tale, with some darkness to it. But knowing me, I would probably read it just cause it came from a member on the site. Blurb does not mater. I would not have picked Monsters, Mazes and Magic if I read the blurb, but I rather liked it when I did.


I have my own book and I have written a blurb for it. My issues is/was that there were two MC's, and I found trying to split the blurb between them was bogging it down with poor flow, and getting into the weeds too much. When I wrote it for one MC, or the other, it seemed stronger, but to be leaving a big part out. I suppose I am still wrestling with it, but I think the more the blurb tries to add detail, the harder it is to deliver is most important hook. Say enough to get a question before the reader they want answered. And stop before their attention wanes. Its almost its own art form.
 
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Ned Marcus

Maester
I can't figure out the genre, which is a big red flag for a blurb for me. With the mention of aliens and the Universe in sentence 1 and 2, I thought Science Fiction. Then we get a Witch (who's half dragon), which hints at Fantasy. Then there's MI7, which suggests Spy thriller, and finally we get Linguist Luke Lee who hints at either a Dan Brown type thriller, or a lone wolf rescuing his daughter.

You can't figure out the genre and then give 4 suggestions, and all of them are true.

Demesnedenoir asked me for the blurb for reference. That was my main reason for posting it, I wasn't bothered about people reviewing it, but thanks for your thoughts (and everyone else), but I don't think anything can help. Certainly not the blurb—however I write it. The problem is that I mix genres, but it's not a problem I intend fixing. If I fixed it, I'd stop writing because I'd have no interest. Some people do like this kind of mix, but they're in a minority. That's just how it is.

This will probably be the last series I write, and my last attempt at anything close to being commercial.
 

Ned Marcus

Maester
I would put it back at the word universe. It emphasizes weak worldbuilding over character.

That would probably be your best course of action because the story is clearly not for you. That's okay. But I don't see how giving the universe sentience leads to weak world building. I can't see any connection between the two.
 
Is ‘it’ referring to the alien? …sorry I’ve not read all the other comments.

It’s all a bit out of context, how’s about the full blurb? Unless you’ve posted this later on in the thread, then, sorry again. I would always have the blurb read in layman’s terms in general so it’s super easy to understand the outlay.
 
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