Ireth
Myth Weaver
I'm doing a fair bit of revision in Winter's Queen, starting at the beginning and working my way forward. I've come upon a little problem between chapters 1 and 2. The last scene of chapter 1 is from the heroine's POV, and involves her being kidnapped by the villain, a Fae prince. Prior to this, she's on her cellphone with her father as she and her friends, twin brothers, are running from the temporarily-unconscious villain to the safety of a nearby church. The conversation runs thusly:
She rummaged in her pocket for her mobile phone, and found her father's mobile number without looking at the screen. She pressed her phone to her ear and waited for an answer, yelping as soon as it came. "Daddy!"
"Ariel?" His voice was sharp with fear. "What's going on?"
"Fae!" she gasped. "Wants to kidnap me. I hit him--think I knocked him out. We're running--Hunslet Hall Road, Church of the Nazarene. Please hurry!"
"I'll be right there." Footsteps raced and a door slammed on the other end of the line. "Stay put once you're there, and do not end this call!"
Ariel nodded, gulping for breath. "Okay."
"Are any of you hurt?"
Ariel repeated the question for the twins, who both shook their heads. "We're all okay."
Her father sighed. "Good. Are you at the church?"
"Almost. I can see it now." She forced her aching legs to put on speed.
"And the Fae, do you see him?"
"Don't think that matters, Dad."
"True enough. Ah, sh--!"
"Dad?" Ariel stumbled to a halt and nearly overbalanced. "Daddy?" She looked at the screen--the call had disconnected.
The main thing I'm concerned about is the father's final bit of dialogue. The curse cut short and the dropped call happen because, as he too is running to the church, Ariel's father trips, drops his phone and knocks the battery out. He also cuts his knee, further delaying his attempt to save her, which is how Ariel ends up kidnapped before he gets to her.
I intend for chapter 2 to switch to the father's POV, overlapping with the scene just before it, and beginning at the moment he trips and drops his phone. Since there's not a lot by way of action or description in the final few lines of the phone conversation (which is entirely intentional, to show urgency with a rapid pace), I don't feel that starting out with a description of the father running would be very effective. I'd meant to open with the "Ah, sh--!" line, then describe the fall, etc. I've heard bad things about opening a scene with dialogue, but given that this is a slight reiteration of the previous scene, I think it should be fairly obvious from the get-go who's speaking, where they are and why. What are your thoughts on this?
Edit to add: The daughter and her friends are all 16 years old; Ariel's use of the word "Daddy" is not to imply immaturity on her part, but as a signal to her father that things are not okay, she's scared and feeling helpless.
She rummaged in her pocket for her mobile phone, and found her father's mobile number without looking at the screen. She pressed her phone to her ear and waited for an answer, yelping as soon as it came. "Daddy!"
"Ariel?" His voice was sharp with fear. "What's going on?"
"Fae!" she gasped. "Wants to kidnap me. I hit him--think I knocked him out. We're running--Hunslet Hall Road, Church of the Nazarene. Please hurry!"
"I'll be right there." Footsteps raced and a door slammed on the other end of the line. "Stay put once you're there, and do not end this call!"
Ariel nodded, gulping for breath. "Okay."
"Are any of you hurt?"
Ariel repeated the question for the twins, who both shook their heads. "We're all okay."
Her father sighed. "Good. Are you at the church?"
"Almost. I can see it now." She forced her aching legs to put on speed.
"And the Fae, do you see him?"
"Don't think that matters, Dad."
"True enough. Ah, sh--!"
"Dad?" Ariel stumbled to a halt and nearly overbalanced. "Daddy?" She looked at the screen--the call had disconnected.
The main thing I'm concerned about is the father's final bit of dialogue. The curse cut short and the dropped call happen because, as he too is running to the church, Ariel's father trips, drops his phone and knocks the battery out. He also cuts his knee, further delaying his attempt to save her, which is how Ariel ends up kidnapped before he gets to her.
I intend for chapter 2 to switch to the father's POV, overlapping with the scene just before it, and beginning at the moment he trips and drops his phone. Since there's not a lot by way of action or description in the final few lines of the phone conversation (which is entirely intentional, to show urgency with a rapid pace), I don't feel that starting out with a description of the father running would be very effective. I'd meant to open with the "Ah, sh--!" line, then describe the fall, etc. I've heard bad things about opening a scene with dialogue, but given that this is a slight reiteration of the previous scene, I think it should be fairly obvious from the get-go who's speaking, where they are and why. What are your thoughts on this?
Edit to add: The daughter and her friends are all 16 years old; Ariel's use of the word "Daddy" is not to imply immaturity on her part, but as a signal to her father that things are not okay, she's scared and feeling helpless.
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