My idea for the first book of the vampire book series - please, critique

[Writer’s_Magic]

Please, critique my idea:

A 17-years-old dhampir girl comes back to her old boarding school with her best friend and objects to project – the vampire princess! But a villain wants to bring the vampires’ roots back by killing the current royal family. Although they have just a representative role, it could create a war between the (magical) folks. …

 

[ThinkerX]

A 17-years-old dhampir girl comes back to her old boarding school with her best friend and objects to project – the vampire princess!

'Project?' Did you mean 'protect?'

'Objects?'

Also, would not a princess have her own bodyguards? What could a 17 year old - presumably a fellow student - contribute? How would said 17 year old even know that a threat existed?

The bit about the 'representative role' is confusing. Does this apply to the princess - or those seeking to exterminate the royal family.

 

[Writer’s_Magic]

ThinkerX The protagonist will be trained to a bodyguard in my story. And who believes someone, who is attacked by a peaceful-looking teenaged girl. And I mean by "protect" well ... That she doesn’t die. The dhampir is a guardian.

 

[ThinkerX]

Trained to become a bodyguard, with the intent of becoming the princesses bodyguard? If so, that is much easier to grasp. As a potential royal bodyguard, she would inform herself of potential threats to the princess.

Suggestion: after becoming the princesses bodyguard, she discovers that the princess - and the rest of the royal family - are much worse than their would-be assassins.

 

[Writer’s_Magic]

ThinkerX You shall critique it. Not develop it.

 

[valiant12]

Dude this sound like a vampire academy ripoff.
i haven't read that book series but I know that it is a series about a dampire girl guarding a vampire princess.

 

[Tom]

ThinkerX You shall critique it. Not develop it.

What Thinker suggested is critique. Part of critique is listening to people's suggestions for the work, whether you intend to act on those suggestions or not.

I agree with what he's outlined--it makes sense to have the bodyguard previously trained as such, rather than have it covered in the story. An unskilled teenage girl would be an unlikely candidate for such a position. It's better for her to have prior experience, maybe even a bit of a reputation, which would lend more credibility to her being hired as a royal bodyguard.