Extraneous or Adding Voice?

[BWFoster78]

Take a sentence like this one:

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

(Note: shaved variegation bark is a herb that I made up that provides a mild stimulant effect.)

As it doesn't impact the story significantly as to how much of the bark he chews, the words "a little" can be deleted from the sentence without changing the meaning much:

He contented himself with chewing shaved variegation bark.

I'm still struggling with the concept of "voice." Does keeping in words like "a little" here add "voice" or are they extraneous and, as such, in need of deletion?

Feel free to suggest other examples.

 

[Ankari]

I would change "a little" to "a pinch".

Descriptions like that don't add to voice as much as they add to your world building. Chewing a pinch is easily measured by the readers. A little requires some reference. Does a little mean a pinch or three?

 

[Philip Overby]

I don't think the economy of words does any favors when it comes to developing a voice. Yes, it keeps the writing tighter, but "flavorful" words may make writing flat at times. Here are some examples of when "a little" enhances the meaning in my estimation.

1. In dialogue

"Do you like her?" Janine twisted her braids and prodded her older brother in the arm.
"A little," he said.
"Just a little?"
"Yeah. I don't love her or nothin'."

Without "a little" this exchange may feel flatter.

2. To provide characterization to a POV

I never liked the goblins of Reader Bay. Not even a little. Who was I kidding? I hated them. A lot. They were always scampering about, leaving empty crab shells all over the beach.

The part "not even a little" or "a lot" isn't really necessary, but it adds a bit a flavor in my opinion. As if the POV character is trying to convince himself the goblins weren't so bad, but then admits, yeah they are bad. Then the description of them leaving empty crab shells doesn't seem so bad. So the POV character seems kind of sensitive or wishy-washy or any number of things.

In your case, "He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark" I feel it reads a bit more natural than the other version. It's a very, very minor difference in this case, but sometimes things like this just improve the natural rhythm of the writing. There is could also be the argument that using things like "a little," "a pinch," "a fistful," "a spoonful" etc. give a clearer image.

I don't think this would be a case of tight writing suffering if you add "a little." In this case, I prefer it.

Ninja'd by Ankari. I mentioned "a pinch" first!

 

[BWFoster78]

Ninja'd by Ankari. I mentioned "a pinch" first!

Sorry, since his appeared above your post, I must give Ankari full credit for the suggestion of "a pinch." Them's the rules

Okay, let's try another example:

He felt more than a little silly about his earlier anger when...

This easily could be shortened to:

He felt silly about his earlier anger when...

This example is a more clear cut example, I believe, of the addition of voice as the "more than a little" is a colloquial expression.

What do you think about this one?

 

[Twook00]

I think phrases like this can add some small weight with regards to voice, but not always. In your example, it feels more like a unit of measurement than something attributed to voice.

Below are some examples from the first 50 pages of "The Eye of the World" by Robert Jordan. IMO, each line differs in how it is impacted by the use of the phrase "a little." In some lines, I definitely pick up on the tone. In others, I don't. That said, I don't mind the use of it in any of them and see no real benefit in omitting the phrase.

He felt a little foolish about wanting to reassure himself that Tam was still there, but it was that kind of day.

Everyone could use a little singing and dancing.

A lamp hung over the cellar stairs, just beside the kitchen door, and another made a bright pool in the stone-walled room beneath the inn, banishing all but a little dimness in the furthest corners.

Then something led him to turn around, to raise his eyes. On the edge of the inn’s tile roof perched a large raven, swaying a little in the gusting wind from the mountains.

“Good morning, Lady Moiraine,” Mat echoed somewhat more smoothly, but only a little.

Moiraine focused on them again, and all three gave a little shake as if waking up.

 

[BWFoster78]

Wow. I had no idea Jordan used "a little" so much.

That said, I don't mind the use of it in any of them and see no real benefit in omitting the phrase.

This is an interesting statement. What is the standard:

1. Omit a word if there is a benefit in doing so OR
2. Include a word if there is a benefit in doing so

I've always went with #2.

 

[Helen]

Take a sentence like this one:

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

(Note: shaved variegation bark is a herb that I made up that provides a mild stimulant effect.)

As it doesn't impact the story significantly as to how much of the bark he chews, the words "a little" can be deleted from the sentence without changing the meaning much:

He contented himself with chewing shaved variegation bark.

I'm still struggling with the concept of "voice." Does keeping in words like "a little" here add "voice" or are they extraneous and, as such, in need of deletion?

Feel free to suggest other examples.

I like the longer version. I think it makes it more interesting / engaging.

I don't think this is where voice comes from though. That comes from theme and how you deliver it.

 

[Svrtnsse]

I started asking about narrative voice, long before I learned about tight writing and tension and suchlike. The conclusion I eventually made was that voice isn't something you can easily define and add to your writing, it sort of just comes on its own. I'm also not sure how much voice really comes through on a sentence level. To me it's something that comes out of larger chunks of text, where small details like this are allowed to add up and make a difference.

Compare the two versions:

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

He contented himself with chewing shaved variegation bark.

The first one describes a single incident. It's something he did once, perhaps to cheer him up after losing an argument. The second sentence can (but doesn't have to) be several incident. Here chewing the bark can be something he does habitually, like warding off the boredom of the journey while on a boat or something.

As exemplified by Twook00 the phrase "a little" could have a lot of different meanings depending on context. Is he allowing himself a little morsel or is he trying to deny a budding addiction to it?

 

[Philip Overby]

Svrtnsse makes a good point. Voice isn't really something that comes out in one sentence. It's something pervasive through a whole story. I don't think changing a word here or there is really going to make too much of a tangible difference. The point that Twook00 makes about Jordan shows that he liked to use "a little" frequently. I assume this is a stylistic preference, something he did naturally in his writing. These things just shine through once you develop a personal style I believe.

One thing I've noticed I do, after reading lots of Abercrombie is using an expletive in sort of a flat manner to show that a character knows he or she is in a bad situation. For example:

"The mama dragon has come home to roost. I repeat, the mama dragon has come to home to roost."

"Sh**," Johnny Appletini said.

This is something I don't always do intentionally. It just comes through.

All that said, I think certain authors choose quirks like this in their writing in a more organic way. I think seeing a larger part of a text that includes examples such as "a little" or phrases like them would prove more tangible in deciding if it works or not. In the cases of Jordan's text above, it doesn't personally bother or distract me. However, I'm not one to pay much attention to writing when I'm reading for enjoyment, if that makes sense.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

In examining these two sentences, you should also consider what the extra words mean to your character.

Do they add more meaning, on a deeper level than words alone, to your character's thoughts or dialogue? Are these statements in character, meaning do they normally talk & think in this manner (adding characterization)? Or, is this a change in the way they talk or think (highlighting the difference for an effect)?

If we look at the first:

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

The character could be the type that denies responsibility or addiction. Thinking like "a little" minimizes the fact that he's doing it all the time. His thought patterns are the coping mechanisms of an addict. It's all a matter of context, of course. My point is only that we should also look at what the words mean for the character, not just the reader on a direct level.

He felt more than a little silly about his earlier anger when...

Here we have a similar choice. At first glance, I'd think this addition of "more than a little silly" doesn't add much more than a simple "silly". Depending on the character & context though, it may. It could be a comparison to another event where he may have felt silly but those feelings were easily brushed off. It could also be a part of characterization where the character habitually makes mountains out of mole hills. Those around him don't think much of what happened, yet he feels "more than a little silly". In that case, the phrase offers more meaning & insight than a more economical use of words.

 

[Penpilot]

This has kind of been mentioned above, but I'll add my voice--no pun intended--to it. It's hard to really judge voice just one or two sentences. I might hear "voice" or I may not, and the voice I might hear just based on one sentence may not be the one you intend. To me, it's all about context, how the sentence adds to the larger whole. IMHO the reader needs around a paragraph to feel out a voice. Also, not every sentence is a candidate to add voice. Some sentences are just workman sentences that do a job and little else.

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

He contented himself with chewing shaved variegation bark.

Honestly, either version can work, but it's hard to pick one over the other without context. It depends on what you're trying to convey and how it's working with the surrounding sentences. Is it a simple straight forward action, or is it intended to show something else?

 

[Feo Takahari]

I'd like to dissect this from a different direction:

He contented himself with chewing a little shaved variegation bark.

This is how I hear that in my head: HE conTENTed himSELF with CHEWing a LITTle VARiegATion BARK.

He contented himself with chewing variegation bark.

HE conTENTed himSELF with CHEWing VARiegATion BARK.

The first feels like a better rhythm to me, switching freely between the up-down beat and the up-down-down beat. The second uses one up-down-down, then only uses another one in the middle of a word, which hardly counts. That's not bad (if you don't know what you're doing, the simplest way to create flow is to just keep alternating up-down) but it feels like a missed opportunity to freestyle.

This is, of course, more technical than you'd normally make it. If you say the words aloud, you can hear the beat--just follow your instincts (like I did when I used "it feels like" instead of "it's" a paragraph ago.)

 

[Caged Maiden]

When I think of voice, I think about the character. IF your goal is to make this particular sentence include a voice relative to that character, start there. Here's the same sentence trough several of MY characters:

A bit of shaved variegation bark would have to do.

He reclined, content to chew the leftover shaved variegation bark.

He stuck the bark in his mouth and ground it between his teeth.


A simple act of doing anything can have a slightly different voice, depending on the character. One might be able to surmise not only how they feel about the immediate thing they are doing (in this case, chewing on bark) but also their general state of mind or other things. Depending on how you phrase the sentence, emotion is conveyed, such as is the character in a hurry, taking his time relaxing, starving and reluctantly gaining energy from a drug rather than nourishment? There's a lot that can lend to the "voice" of the POV.

Hope that gives you some stuff to consider.

 

[AnneL]

I agree with everything that has been said. Also, I use the phrase "a little" too often in my writing just to fill in the rhythm of my sentence rather than to actually describe anything. There are other phrases I do the same with. There's nothing wrong with any of them alone, but sometimes it's just habit. It's really easy to let particular phrases become a binky when I'm stuck. So that's where I take them out. Is it pulling its weight or is it hijacking the sentence?