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"I am <Name>" *slice of backstory* to introduce first-person narrator?

C_OReilly

Scribe
Hello,
I'm currently making a writing piece and have come up with two ways to introduce the POV character. Via a Rothfuss's The Name of the Wind inspired "I am..." (first book that came to mind).
The second idea is having him reflect on a conversation he had with an older and wiser mentor regarding the war the world is facing of which we learn his name is Stalyon and he is a prospective soldier in the army etc.

Thoughts, opinions?
 

Chilari

Staff
Moderator
There are loads of ways to introduce the protagonist. The choice you make should be appropriate to the character and the tone you're trying to set. If the character is going to continue addressing the reader directly, the "I am" intro may well be appropriate. If that would be the only time it happens, I'd steer clear. Reflecting on a past conversation will work well if either A) the character comes back to this conversation a lot or B) the character thinks back to events in the past frequently. Again, if it sets a precedent, you need to follow through. When you are introducing a character, you are trying to establish their personality, their wants or fears, the situation they are in or their history (or a combination of two or more of these things). You are trying to get the reader interested in them. Giving the reader a look at the character which does not reflect who they are later in the book is probably not a great idea.
 

C_OReilly

Scribe
I think I'll stick with introduction via dialogue. It's a journey of self-discovery, so there's definitely going to be reflecting on the past going on.
 

Chilari

Staff
Moderator
Glad I could help. Don't forget there are plenty of other ways to introduce characters if you feel that doesn't work the way you want it to.
 

C_OReilly

Scribe
Glad I could help. Don't forget there are plenty of other ways to introduce characters if you feel that doesn't work the way you want it to.

Well how does this sound?


My eardrums sang with the song of my feet beating against the forest floor, and the distant drums of the enemy thumping in syncopation. My sense of time had left me as I had been fleeing for over two days from this enemy that flooded into the east of Amara like a broken dam. Many of my company, Sixth Company we are named, have fallen or scattered after the ambush we faced near the coastal island-town of Oceansted as we escorted fearful refugees from the surrounding eastern settlements. If it hadn’t been for the nearby ships resting at the banks of Moat Bentley; the lake separating the town from land, most of them would have perished alongside the soldiers that gave their lives.
Altiere ran close by, leaves thrashing as he went. I am thankful that he found me. I was running through some woods when I heard someone call my name through the mess of trees and brush surrounding me. I lit up upon recognizing Altiere’s charcoal hair and tanned skin appear from the overgrowth.
“Stalyon!” he said “of all the people to find running for his life thirty feet away from me it’s Stalyon Lockehardt… Fate is a curious thing!” he exclaimed, being louder than his usual humble and quiet self.
 

JCFarnham

Auror
I do this in my Urban Fantasy, though in a way that reads more like cover blub I suppose. The theory being that I need a powerful hook to intro my first person narrative style (and the character). She's important, as is setting up the style and premise so I can quickly get to the action instead of getting bogged down... and so (for the moment) I think this "I am <name>..." works.

I am willing to be proven wrong by my alphas, betas, etc.
 
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Chilari

Staff
Moderator
Well how does this sound?


My eardrums sang with the song of my feet beating against the forest floor, and the distant drums of the enemy thumping in syncopation. My sense of time had left me as I had been fleeing for over two days from this enemy that flooded into the east of Amara like a broken dam. Many of my company, Sixth Company we are named, have fallen or scattered after the ambush we faced near the coastal island-town of Oceansted as we escorted fearful refugees from the surrounding eastern settlements. If it hadn’t been for the nearby ships resting at the banks of Moat Bentley; the lake separating the town from land, most of them would have perished alongside the soldiers that gave their lives.
Altiere ran close by, leaves thrashing as he went. I am thankful that he found me. I was running through some woods when I heard someone call my name through the mess of trees and brush surrounding me. I lit up upon recognizing Altiere’s charcoal hair and tanned skin appear from the overgrowth.
“Stalyon!” he said “of all the people to find running for his life thirty feet away from me it’s Stalyon Lockehardt… Fate is a curious thing!” he exclaimed, being louder than his usual humble and quiet self.

It seems a bit expositiony. You're talking about a lot of places, groups and events rather than the character a lot of the time. It's quite confused as a result. I know you want to get into the action, but perhaps by slowing it down you'll let the reader process what's going on, and give yourself space to introduce the character more before going into the circumstances so much would improve it.

This isn't the Showcase so I won't say more. If you want more feedback, feel free to post it in the Showcase too.

Starts are difficult. I frequently have several first scenes with only one getting past a few thousand words. Further on in the story it's easier to get scenes right with fewer rewrites or even only minor editing, but the first scene I always have trouble with, because there's a lot you're trying to do in a short space of time, you've got to get the pacing spot on (later it's easier to forgive pacing that's too fast or slow because the reader is already invested in the characters and events of the story). You've got to get the first scene right or readers won't keep reading. So yes, it's hard and it will take a few tries.

Before I started writing my current WIP I imagined several different versions of the opening scene, several different points to start with, from day-in-the-life to busily preparing for the arrival of the king to the actual arrival of the king. Once I'd chosen and shared it with my mum, she pointed out a number of things wrong with it and a changed to a different start point which better demonstrates my protagonist's normal life and personality before she comes into contact with her friends and family. The first version was a busy rush of trying to do things after learning that the king will arrive soon, and she travels through three palaces and talks with seven or eight different characters in the space of a side of A4, and there's no hint of her personality or her position in society or what she enjoys doing, it's all busy busy busy, name after name that the reader forgets next paragraph. The new version I'm working from now is slower, starting with just her, expanding to her and her public duties, expanding further to the situation as a new element is introduced, which gives me the chance to demonstrate an aspect of her personality at the same time, and then there's the action, the busy busy busy as she has to do stuff, and while I'm keeping the pace up, the energy up, I'm allowing more details in about her relationships with other characters and their personalities, little things - the way someone smiles, the way a character tuts at being interrupted and is reluctant to halt what they're doing even if it is important, that sort of thing.

Not sure I've got it right just yet, but I definitely feel slowing it down has improved the start.
 

Addison

Auror
Your opening sentence is great. It's colorful and pulls the reader in. But it is a little expositiony. A good way to convey information to the reader without dishing it out by: thought, dialogue, letters. Maybe your character reflects on a letter from Command to get to the river for pick up "I know you've been running for three days, just hold out a bit longer". Readers want to learn not be told.
 

ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
Perhaps have the opening - a prologue, if you will - done by another character. "I first meant MC back in..."
 

Lawfire

Sage
Well how does this sound?


My eardrums sang with the song of my feet beating against the forest floor, and the distant drums of the enemy thumping in syncopation. My sense of time had left me as I had been fleeing for over two days from this enemy that flooded into the east of Amara like a broken dam. Many of my company, Sixth Company we are named, have fallen or scattered after the ambush we faced near the coastal island-town of Oceansted as we escorted fearful refugees from the surrounding eastern settlements. If it hadn’t been for the nearby ships resting at the banks of Moat Bentley; the lake separating the town from land, most of them would have perished alongside the soldiers that gave their lives.
Altiere ran close by, leaves thrashing as he went. I am thankful that he found me. I was running through some woods when I heard someone call my name through the mess of trees and brush surrounding me. I lit up upon recognizing Altiere’s charcoal hair and tanned skin appear from the overgrowth.
“Stalyon!” he said “of all the people to find running for his life thirty feet away from me it’s Stalyon Lockehardt… Fate is a curious thing!” he exclaimed, being louder than his usual humble and quiet self.

I find the feet beating against the forest floor to be a bit odd. Most forests I have been in the forest floor is soft, covered with underbrush, or crunchy with freshly fallen leaves. The protagonist then goes on to say that his sense of time is lost, yet gives a rather specific time he has been fleeing (over two days).

I like the sense of urgency you are going for, and the immediate jump into the action, it just needs a little polish.
 
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