Need help with a scene

[Ireth]

Okay, so I've been wrestling with this scene for several days now, and I have no idea what to do with it. There are a few paragraphs in particular that I'm worried about, which are bolded; the rest is just context.

Background: This scene takes place a few hundred pages into the story, as a lead-in to the climax. Ariel has been trying to escape her impending marriage to Prince Fiachra for over a week; Fiachra has resorted to chaining her to him with bronze shackles to ensure she does not escape him again before their wedding, which is scheduled for that evening (it was bumped up from its original date by several weeks after her most recent escape attempt). Ariel has just realized Fiachra's motivations for marrying her, and is trying (unsuccessfully) to bargain with him to delay their wedding, mostly to allow more time for either a) Ariel to escape again, for good this time, or b) her father and uncle to find and rescue her.

#

Ariel took a shaky breath, tears that weren't entirely fake springing to her eyes. Her voice cracked when she spoke. "You took me from my family and friends, everyone I love--my entire world. I don't want to be here--I never wanted to be here. I just want to go ho--"

Fiachra backhanded her across the face, cutting short her protest. She stumbled back with a cry of pain, clutching her stinging cheek. He came toward her like a glacier, cold and unavoidable; Ariel backed away, keeping the chain taut between them. Blood welled in a small cut in her lower lip, but the pain was nothing next to what she knew she would shortly endure.

"Where will you run, cailín?"* Fiachra asked her. "There is no key to these shackles, and they cannot be removed by just any Fae. You must learn your place in this world, Ariel. You are fortunate--very fortunate--that I need you alive."

He gripped the chain and heaved hard on it, jerking Ariel forward into his arm's reach.

"You can't hurt me," Ariel told him, fighting to keep her voice from trembling as she tried to back away again. "You just told me you need me alive."

Fiachra nodded slowly, his face empty of emotion. "I did say that. I did not say that I need you whole. As long as your womb is intact once you have learned and accepted your place, I will be satisfied."

A blow to her solar plexus left Ariel winded and coughing; a kick to her shin dropped her to one knee. Then the blows fell hard and fast, and she had nowhere to run. She closed her tear-filled eyes and let the hail of pain thunder down upon her, her one tiny glimmer of hope resting in the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't kill her.

But as she huddled at her enemy's feet, head bowed and body curled up to protect her vital organs, something pounded in her head that was neither her heartbeat nor Fiachra's ringing blows. She was not a damsel in distress, nor a helpless dove. She was a Hawk, the daughter of Hawks, and she had the talons and beak to fight back even despite the bronze jesses that bound her to her enemy. Her eyes snapped open again, and narrowed in rage as three whispered words escaped her bleeding mouth.

"That--is--enough."

She lifted her head and thrust her body forward at the same time, the top of her head--and the three spikes on the crown she wore--connecting solidly with Fiachra's groin.

Fiachra howled in agony and sank to his knees, then fell to the floor. He lay moaning, both hands clutching the wound; his blood spread in a dark pool across the floor, the thick coppery scent of it tainting the air.

Ariel straightened up quickly and stood over him, panting. Her face twisted with rage and determination as her tears dried on her cheeks. She reached up and carefully took the crown down from her head, throwing it away--it hit the floor several feet from her with a sharp clatter.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," she told him, her voice cold and even as she looked down at him without pity. "I am not afraid of you. I am not yours, and I never will be. What I will be is free of you, one way or the oth--"

She broke off with a gasp when someone grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, forcing her to step away from Fiachra. All rage and defiance gave way to sheer terror as she stared up into the livid face of the Winter King.

#

*Note on translation: cailín is Irish for 'girl'.

Notes on the passage in bold: I'm really not happy with how the part with Fiachra beating Ariel looks right now. I do not want to get rid of it completely, since it is consistent with his prior characterization and anything less would be a bit of a letdown; I also don't plan on giving a blow-by-blow account of the beating, as the focus is primarily on Ariel's internal reaction and gaining the willpower to stand up for herself and fight back.

For the bits where outside events are described, I'm worried about phrasing and making the scene clear in my mind and the reader's. I want to get a sense of how Ariel and Fiachra could be positioned so that that pointy crown can find its mark in Fiachra's manhood when Ariel stands up, without stretching plausibility of physics. If it helps at all to gauge their relative sizes, Ariel is five foot eight while Fiachra is six foot four.

 

[Dan Latham]

I'm assuming it was established earlier Ariel got to keep the crown on her head. Not sure why she would take it off and throw it away as it proved such an effective weapon.

I got the impression Ariel was in a fetal position on the floor as Fiachra beats her. On second reading, it seemed she stays on one knee. That would be a good position to head butt someone in the groin. I suggest more explicitly describing how she straightens her back and neck, then thrusts forward. That would go well with the dramatic paragraph where she realizes she is not a victim.

Just Google "how to head butt."

Also, there are lots of blood vessels in the groin. Fiachra is going to die soon, given the amount of bleeding you have him doing.

Overall the phrasing sounded fine to me. "...the thick coppery scent of it tainting the air" was a bit of purple prose, I thought, as well as unrealistic. I've seen a fair amount of blood as part of my day job, but I've never been able to smell blood at room temperature. I've also never smelled copper despite all the pennies I've handled.

Personally, I would prefer something a bit less poetic. "Her sensitive fae nose picked up the metallic smell of his blood," for instance.

Anyway, those are just my opinions. Hope there's something useful in there.

 

[Ireth]

I'm assuming it was established earlier Ariel got to keep the crown on her head. Not sure why she would take it off and throw it away as it proved such an effective weapon.

She threw it away as a show of defiance to Fiachra, demonstrating that she rejects him once again. I see your point, though, it IS quite a nice weapon. Shame she loses her nerve a second later when King Madoc shows up and sees what she's done to his only son... poor girl ends up pleading for her life. I mean hey, she may be brave and stubborn as heck, but she IS still a scared teenager who for all she knows just committed regicide by accident.

I got the impression Ariel was in a fetal position on the floor as Fiachra beats her. On second reading, it seemed she stays on one knee. That would be a good position to head butt someone in the groin. I suggest more explicitly describing how she straightens her back and neck, then thrusts forward. That would go well with the dramatic paragraph where she realizes she is not a victim.

Just Google "how to head butt."

Very good point there.

Also, there are lots of blood vessels in the groin. Fiachra is going to die soon, given the amount of bleeding you have him doing.

Overall the phrasing sounded fine to me. "...the thick coppery scent of it tainting the air" was a bit of purple prose, I thought, as well as unrealistic. I've seen a fair amount of blood as part of my day job, but I've never been able to smell blood at room temperature. I've also never smelled copper despite all the pennies I've handled.

Personally, I would prefer something a bit less poetic. "Her sensitive fae nose picked up the metallic smell of his blood," for instance.

1) Good point. He does get medical attention nigh immediately, but he's meant to lose his manhood as a result of the wound while avoiding actually bleeding to death. I do want him to survive until the following morning, if only to give someone else the satisfaction of killing him for real.

2) Fae blood =/= human blood, plain and simple. Human blood contains iron, which is what makes it red; Fae blood has primarily copper instead, and thus would smell like pennies, along with being dark blue in color. I'll concede you the point about being able to smell it at room temperature, though.

2b) Ariel is completely human, not Fae, so that phrasing wouldn't work at all.

Lots of useful stuff here to think about. Thanks for your comments!

 

[Glaurung]

Would the crown not have to possess pretty sharp spikes in order to do such an injury, likely to be sharper than a normal "decorative" crown? The spikes would also need to protrude some way from the crown, so that they were above the line of the top of the head, otherwise it is just a straight head butt. The force of the blow would also come back on the crown, forcing it down over her head, or otherwise jamming it tight, or knocking it off unless it was on really securely in the first place.

 

[Ireth]

Would the crown not have to possess pretty sharp spikes in order to do such an injury, likely to be sharper than a normal "decorative" crown? The spikes would also need to protrude some way from the crown, so that they were above the line of the top of the head, otherwise it is just a straight head butt. The force of the blow would also come back on the crown, forcing it down over her head, or otherwise jamming it tight, or knocking it off unless it was on really securely in the first place.

Yes and yes. Ariel cuts her finger on the crown earlier in the scene, and I also mention that the spikes are quite tall, enough to protrude a good inch or two from the top of her head. Good point about it falling off, too. I'll be sure to edit that in.

 

[BWFoster78]

A blow to her solar plexus left Ariel winded and coughing; a kick to her shin dropped her to one knee.

I found "solar plexus" jarring. The highly technical jargon seemed at odds with the setting.

Since this is an action sequence, I'm assuming you want the pacing fast. I'm not sure why you'd want the semicolon. Short, choppy sentences speed pace. Here, the semicolon slows it down by joining the two sentences closely.

How about:

A blow to her chest left Ariel winded. She coughed trying to catch her breath. A kick to her shin dropped her to a knee.

Try ending the paragraph here. Shorter paragraphs also speed pace.

Then the blows fell hard and fast, and she had nowhere to run.

"Then" does nothing for you. The reader knows that this happens after the last part because you're writing in sequence. The extra word slows pace.

I don't like "blows" here since you just used it, and I'd be wary of combining sentences unless you have to.

Again, though, these are pacing concerns. If you're not trying to speed pace, some of these ideas lose merit.

 

[Ireth]

I found "solar plexus" jarring. The highly technical jargon seemed at odds with the setting.

I see what you mean. Ariel is a girl from modern-day Earth, so she would reasonably be expected to use words like that, but it is rather jarring.

Since this is an action sequence, I'm assuming you want the pacing fast. I'm not sure why you'd want the semicolon. Short, choppy sentences speed pace. Here, the semicolon slows it down by joining the two sentences closely.

How about:

A blow to her chest left Ariel winded. She coughed trying to catch her breath. A kick to her shin dropped her to a knee.

Try ending the paragraph here. Shorter paragraphs also speed pace.

*nod* Good points. I have a strange fondness for semicolons, which I don't imagine is an entirely good thing. I'll try to kick the habit. XD

"Then" does nothing for you. The reader knows that this happens after the last part because you're writing in sequence. The extra word slows pace.

I don't like "blows" here since you just used it, and I'd be wary of combining sentences unless you have to.

Again, though, these are pacing concerns. If you're not trying to speed pace, some of these ideas lose merit.

I'm not too worried about pace here, just clarity and effectiveness of the scene. I'll change the first instance of the word "blow" to "punch" to deal with that issue. Thanks for your input!

 

[BWFoster78]

Okay. Your call on the pacing.

She was a Hawk, the daughter of Hawks, and she had the talons and beak to fight back even despite the bronze jesses that bound her to her enemy.

I'd delete everything after "fight." The "despite" phrase lessens the impact of what otherwise is a strong statement. Kind of like saying:

I rule.

versus

I rule on every other Tuesday when I don't have anything better to do.

Her eyes snapped open again, and narrowed in rage as three whispered words escaped her bleeding mouth.

I don't think you need the "again" after "open," nor the comma. I don't like the words "escaping" her mouth. It seems like you want this to be the point where she starts fighting back, right? Words escaping shows that she's not in control of them. I'd also put that thought in a different sentence since it's doing a bunch of work already.

She lifted her head and thrust her body forward at the same time, the top of her head--and the three spikes on the crown she wore--connecting solidly with Fiachra's groin.

Is this too much detail? Do we need to see her lifting her head and thrusting her body forward? It seems like this would be more effective imagery:

She thrust the top of her head into Fiacra's groin. The three spikes of the crown she wore dug into his flesh.

Ariel straightened up quickly and stood over him, panting

I'd delete "up quickly."

Hope this helped!

 

[Ireth]

Okay. Your call on the pacing.



I'd delete everything after "fight." The "despite" phrase lessens the impact of what otherwise is a strong statement. Kind of like saying:

I rule.

versus

I rule on every other Tuesday when I don't have anything better to do.



I don't think you need the "again" after "open," nor the comma. I don't like the words "escaping" her mouth. It seems like you want this to be the point where she starts fighting back, right? Words escaping shows that she's not in control of them. I'd also put that thought in a different sentence since it's doing a bunch of work already.



Is this too much detail? Do we need to see her lifting her head and thrusting her body forward? It seems like this would be more effective imagery:

She thrust the top of her head into Fiacra's groin. The three spikes of the crown she wore dug into his flesh.



I'd delete "up quickly."

Hope this helped!

Good points all around. I think this'll make the scene much better. Thanks again!