Quick Punctuation Issue

[BWFoster78]

Here's the section I need help with:

Without a conscious thought, she drew the knife and slashed across his neck. Blood sprayed everywhere. He sank to his knees with a stunned look on his face and his hands grasping as he desperately tried to stem the flow of life from his body. His lips opened, but he only made gurgling sounds. Horrific red bubbles appeared in the open gash.

She’d never forget that look. His eyes pleaded with her. Help me. Save me. Please. Why did you kill me?

Lainey could only stand there, frozen, staring. Her legs refused to move, her mind rejecting the enormity of the act. She trembled as blood poured from the gaping cut. He’d be dead in minutes.

Specifically, I'm trying to figure out the correct punctuation for the end of the middle paragraph. The sentences are said by the man's eyes. Should they be in italics? Quotes? Should I use an mdash?

Thanks in advance!

Brian

 

[Graylorne]

I'd leave it as it is. No italics, for they weren't the girl's thoughts. No quotes, nothing. Fragmentary sentences are ok.

 

[Dan Latham]

As these are what the girl is imagining he said, not what the reader witnessed him saying, leave it in regular type.

 

[BWFoster78]

Cool. Thanks.

 

[wordwalker]

I'd rather use the italics.

In general, italics are for intensity, and we use them for direct thoughts to show they're so intensely immediate they shift to 1st-person present. Here this isn't the MC's thoughts, but (and you don't let the reader get confused on this) by being her imagination we get an "intense direct thought" anyway, tense and all. I'd say using anything but that "thought font" would be awkward, or at least a missed opportunity.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Reads fine as it is without italics.

I didn't have any issues understanding exactly what was taking place. That's the goal.

 

[Steerpike]

I'd leave it alone as well. It reads well as it is.

 

[BWFoster78]

I'd rather use the italics.

In general, italics are for intensity, and we use them for direct thoughts to show they're so intensely immediate they shift to 1st-person present. Here this isn't the MC's thoughts, but (and you don't let the reader get confused on this) by being her imagination we get an "intense direct thought" anyway, tense and all. I'd say using anything but that "thought font" would be awkward, or at least a missed opportunity.

I think I'll go with the majority on this one. I prefer not to use italics unless necessary.

 

[BWFoster78]

Thanks for all the help with the last issue. Another quick one:

Xan looked to the heavens and mouthed “why me.” “I won’t say more until...

He's mouthing rhetorical words and following it with actual dialogue. Is this the best way to punctuate it?

Thanks!

 

[Steerpike]

That looks a bit more awkward to me. In that case, I might actually italicize "why me," even though I don't italicize very often. Either that, or add a beat between "why me" and the spoken dialogue so it doesn't look as strange on the page.

 

[Graylorne]

I would even scrap the 'and mouthed' (unless you make it necessary in the other's reaction).


Xan looked to the heavens. Why me. “I won’t say more until..."

 

[BWFoster78]

That might be the best bet. Thanks.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Either way, wouldn't you still use a question mark?

 

[Graylorne]

Either way, wouldn't you still use a question mark?

You're right. My mistake; too hasty...

 

[BWFoster78]

Either way, wouldn't you still use a question mark?

My thinking is that it's a statement, not a question. He's not really asking as much as expressing sarcastic frustration.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Okay. Your call of course but that part feels off to me as a reader.

In my mind, any sentence beginning with why is an interrogative.

 

[Graylorne]

My thinking is that it's a statement, not a question. He's not really asking as much as expressing sarcastic frustration.

To me it's a rhetorical question. So it should get a question mark. I ought to have used one in my example, hence my correction.

 

[saellys]

Yeah, I'd want to see a question mark there, too. In very few instances, wording questions as statements makes sense and flows well, but this is jarring to me.