random Short dialog

[SeverinR]

"Why do you act like you do?" Sabina demanded. "Silly and free spirited all the time!"
"Why are you so tough on me? Pata responded
"I am trying to protect you from the dark!" Sabina replaced the knife in her bandolier.
Pata blinked and replied softly with a smile,
"I am trying to show you the light."


Comment on this or submit your own.


Not sure where in my WIP I will use this, but this is the basics of the conversation. I might need to tweak it a little more.

 

[Fyle]

"Why are you so tough on me? Pata responded

Should there be a period here? Or some other punctuation ?

 

[SeverinR]

Missed that one.
Should be a end quote and a period in the sentence.

 

[skip.knox]

A nice clip. IMO, I would drop this: "Silly and free spirited all the time!"
We either know by this point that Pata is silly (or at least that Sabina regards her so), and the line is redundant; or we don't know this about Pata and the information is tacked on. Also, there's a nice rhythm to the exchange which this clause breaks.

But the exchange is great. Very big sister/little sister.

 

[MineOwnKing]

I do not wish to rock the boat here but I do have some food for thought.

I would be very cautious when attempting to edit dialogue, especially when you get to the point where a copy editor might try to make suggestions to change dialogue on a final draft.

Dialogue is special in that it is emotional, not grammatically correct often on purpose, and sometimes may display important slang, regional influence or clues to ethnicity.

Redundancy in dialogue is an important clue to mood of the scene and depth of character.

 

[SeverinR]

A nice clip. IMO, I would drop this: "Silly and free spirited all the time!"
We either know by this point that Pata is silly (or at least that Sabina regards her so), and the line is redundant; or we don't know this about Pata and the information is tacked on. Also, there's a nice rhythm to the exchange which this clause breaks.

But the exchange is great. Very big sister/little sister.

The exchange is unwritten, but you are correct.
I think by the time I use it, the reader will know what she is talking about.
I think I threw it in to show it in this clip.

Skip.knox
Knowing what and how to edit something is difficult.
You really can't truly edit a paragraph without looking at everything that contributes to that paragraph.
Each sentence is a building block, removing some will improve a story, removing the wrong ones could detract from the story.
Removing the wrong one could destroy the mood or just be a missed opportunity.

In this case, he pointed out a part that I added for placement here. So it was fluff.
Thanks.