Something missing and/or 'writer's bias'

[BrittleBones]

Ok. So over the past couple of weeks I've been writing a fanfiction. An idea randomly jumped out to me and I ran with it because I was interested in the concept and it wouldn't leave my head. I'm two chapters and a prologue in and I've been working probably the fastest I've ever gone up to this point and haven't really felt stressed or burnt out, which is great. I've recieved positive feedback and it's probably doing the best out of what I've written so far, at least in terms of comments and the type of reactions I'm getting. I've been solid on my grammar for a long time and I'm pleased with the flow and character development so far.

But still... something is missing, and it's bugging me. I'm reading my scenes, then reading another fic that I've been really enjoying, and I feel like there's some mystery discrepancy in terms of quality. Even though this other story has arguably worse grammar than my own work, and has the occasional odd sentence or word usage... for some reason, it feels better. More immersive. I can get lost in that story and ignore the flaws. I can't with my own.

Does anyone else have this problem? I'm almost inclined to believe that there's no actual issue, and it's more of a writer's bias, dunning-kruger effect sort of thing. That it's all in my head.

To illustrate what I mean, it might be best to provide a couple of excerpts from what I'd consider my weaker and stronger points in what I've written for this story:

Anne grasped onto her stick with both hands, positioning it in front of her chest point-down. She poured what strength she had left into her arms, driving the makeshift spear down with a herculean effort.

“Hey, ugly!” Sprig shouted. “Over... here!”

A pebble bounced off the monster’s shell with a small plink, and it turned its head ever so slightly...

Right as the center of its carapace split open, a rush of wind blowing over the surrounding trees as its chittering slowly faded. A spray of guts, slime and bug mush erupted out of the widening fissure, coating everything nearby in a sludgy, grey mess, and the corpse collapsed to the ground. Anne hit grass a half-second later, her chest heaving as the cyan glow faded from her eyes.

“Oh god, everything hurts-” she wheezed, sinking down to her knees.

It was time to meet the whole family.

There was Sprig, of course, but as Anne should have figured based on how young he looked, he didn’t live alone. She saw an orange frog, clearly getting on in years if the greying hairs were any indication, and a pink tadpole wearing a bow almost half the size of her head.

“Hop Pop and Polly,” Sprig introduced. “Since you passed out earlier, Anne, I don’t think you’ve met them yet.”

The two of them narrowed their eyes.

“I... don’t feel very welcome.”

The older frog- Hop Pop- shuffled an inch backwards. “We’re just taking necessary precautions!” A garland of garlic bulbs, which were wartier and fatter compared to their Earth counterpart, was wrapped around his torso, and he had a wooden stake clutched in his hand. “What if you two go crazy and start runnin’ around killing people? We need to be prepared!”

“Let’s see… there’s some chili flakes, potatoes, squash! I think I could make that- wait.” Sprig paused, picking it up and eyeing it suspiciously. He tapped it with his fist a couple of times, then cracked the thing in half, when he had, apparently, found what he was looking for. “Gotcha! Gourd maggots. Those things are gross.”

Right on cue, a disgusting worm-like creature sprung out of the squash. Mabel sprung out of the way as it made its way to a loose floorboard and wriggled its way underneath, searching for a new place to hide.

She heard a distant scream.

“And that means all of the squash are going to be either like that, or rotting. I should probably tell Hop Pop. That’s just about all we have, though.” He peeked inside the cupboard one last time for good measure, and Mabel snuck a glance herself. The shelves were barren, a cobweb drifting down to the floor.

Does the writing feel stilted? Flat, or lacking something crucial? Or am I going insane? Feel free to let me know your thoughts. And if you want examples of the other fic- the one I consider better, in some mystery way, feel free to ask and I can find some.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I'm seeing a couple of things, here. One,: your POV. I get the impression that you're trying to get into your characters' heads, but for some reason you're telling it from WAY back in 3rd person omniscient, and the combination is a bit schizophrenic. I would go back over and try to decide who's telling this story, you or your characters. Personally, I strongly prefer 3rd person limited for just this reason. It gives me an entire other layer in my toolbox to play with unreliable narrators.

Second, the feeling of something missing isn't that your writing is flat or stilted. It's that you didn't bring enough conflict to the party. Talk to your characters, find out what they want, and then don't let them have it. Conflict = Story.

 

[skip.knox]

I'll second Lowan on this. To work with just one of the examples, who says it was time to meet the whole family? As it stands, it's the narrator's statement, which keeps us distanced. If it's Sprig or Anne, now you have to deal with emotions. Is Sprig worried? Proud? Nervous? If it's Anne, pretty much the same, but she might be looking to make a good impression or repair previous damage. Either way, you can set up an expectation for the reader, which the scene can either deliver or subvert. And either way, you have to put yourself down in the scene, at the character's shoulder.

Moving into the scene, you have conflicting messages. The first part conveys something light-hearted, even silly. Then you switch to vampire killers. Both without much context, and neither with any reactions. I'll submit that this, too, comes from you yourself standing apart from the action rather than getting in there with the characters.

Maybe I say this because I tend to do it. On first draft I'm just trying to get the mechanics of the scene, the way stage actors do blocking. You stand here, you stand over there. You cross the stage. No, no, not first! You'll run into Actor C who comes running on on this cue! And so on. I get through that and I re-read and it comes across flat. In such cases, I immediately try to go through the scene close to the character.

Another piece. "I don't feel very welcome" just doesn't sell. We don't see her feeling unwelcome. We haven't even seen Pop the Vampire Killer yet. Move that description up, and her statement is obviously in reaction to what she is seeing. Let the kids, however gaily attired, cower behind Pop and you have a setup for multiple reactions.

And last piece. This is hard to tell from such a brief excerpt, but there needs to be something at stake. If she is rejected or insulted by the family, what's the cost? If she's graciously greeted, once they decide she's not a vampire, then what's the payoff? Maybe you've set that up beforehand, but if you haven't, that also contributes to narration in two dimensions (or even just one). The reader wants to know that the scene matters, even if what's at stake is small. Maybe it's only the difference between having a bed for the night or having to sleep in the barn. The reader still wants to know.

Hope that helps!

 

[BrittleBones]

Moving into the scene, you have conflicting messages. The first part conveys something light-hearted, even silly. Then you switch to vampire killers. Both without much context, and neither with any reactions. I'll submit that this, too, comes from you yourself standing apart from the action rather than getting in there with the characters.

Maybe I say this because I tend to do it. On first draft I'm just trying to get the mechanics of the scene, the way stage actors do blocking. You stand here, you stand over there. You cross the stage. No, no, not first! You'll run into Actor C who comes running on on this cue! And so on. I get through that and I re-read and it comes across flat. In such cases, I immediately try to go through the scene close to the character.

Another piece. "I don't feel very welcome" just doesn't sell. We don't see her feeling unwelcome. We haven't even seen Pop the Vampire Killer yet. Move that description up, and her statement is obviously in reaction to what she is seeing. Let the kids, however gaily attired, cower behind Pop and you have a setup for multiple reactions.

And last piece. This is hard to tell from such a brief excerpt, but there needs to be something at stake. If she is rejected or insulted by the family, what's the cost? If she's graciously greeted, once they decide she's not a vampire, then what's the payoff? Maybe you've set that up beforehand, but if you haven't, that also contributes to narration in two dimensions (or even just one). The reader wants to know that the scene matters, even if what's at stake is small. Maybe it's only the difference between having a bed for the night or having to sleep in the barn. The reader still wants to know.

Hope that helps!

Eh, it's definitely more of a lighter scene (most of the story is less serious in tone. I emulate the tone and humor of the work it's based on), and some of the points you raise seem half due to a lack of surrounding context, but I digress. Some things here definitely make sense, though.

I suppose, given this, it may be pertinent to post a bit more of the scene?

Anne blinked the sleep out of her eyes, last night's dream still lingering in her mind.

It was time to meet the whole family.

There was Sprig, of course, but as Anne should have figured based on how young he looked, he didn’t live alone. She saw an orange frog, clearly getting on in years if the greying hairs were any indication, and a pink tadpole wearing a bow almost half the size of her head.

“Hop Pop and Polly,” Sprig introduced. “Since you passed out earlier, Anne, I don’t think you’ve met them yet.”

The two of them narrowed their eyes.

“I... don’t feel very welcome.”

The older frog- Hop Pop- shuffled an inch backwards. “We’re just taking necessary precautions!” A garland of garlic bulbs, which were wartier and fatter compared to their Earth counterpart, was wrapped around his torso, and he had a wooden stake clutched in his hand. “What if you two go crazy and start runnin’ around killing people? We need to be prepared!”

She sighed. “Not gonna happen, buddy.”

“I like the look!” Mabel said. “Vampire hunter. Classy.”

“Those-” Anne gagged, flinching back from the powerful stench. “Those things are useless. Trust me, I’d have noticed if the sunlight was melting my skin off.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, holding back a coughing fit.

Sprig looked at her. “At least I managed to talk them out of coming down with a load of silver-” “Yeah, that would be werewolves.” “A mirror-” “That’s Medusa.” “-and a big hammer.” “That one would just hurt a lot.”

But yeah, POV is something I've thought about a bit. I'm a pretty big fan of Lemony Snicket, Douglas Adams, writers like that, so I tend to veer in that direction by default, but I still want to get into the character's heads in some capacity. I need to work on it some more, definitely.

Lowan, earlier, pointed out that it might be an issue with showing vs. telling, so I tried going back over my prologue. I'm curious if my revisions seem better at all?

He shouted, eyes wide in a mixture of shock and confusion at the coincidence he had just stumbled into.

His heart raced. He was caught like a deer in headlights at the coincidence he had by some miracle walked into.

“Wait, no!” Dipper shouted, stepping forward with little time to think. Mabel and Stan followed a split second after, the latter more out of confusion than anything else, and then…

“Wait, no!” Dipper yelped, jerking forward on impulse. Mabel and Stan, not knowing what to do and having no better ideas, followed suit, and then… time stopped.

Just a couple of random examples I've picked out. Could be better or worse sentences in there, I don't know. Also, to be fair, I feel like you picked out the scene I was least happy with to analyze XD. Which is fair, but are the other two as bad as that one?

 

[skip.knox]

Yeah, I didn't get much of a parody impression from the examples, so I went looking for dramatic effect. As to how to write parody well, I shall have to defer to others. It's not my genre.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Yeah, I didn't get much of a parody impression from the examples, so I went looking for dramatic effect. As to how to write parody well, I shall have to defer to others. It's not my genre.

Right there with you. Satire and parody can be hard. My mom was a satirist. I inherited the ability to be funny from both her and my dad, but I lack the edge needed for satire. I can do commentary, ride the razor's edge with Jonathan Swift, but I can't make it funny. That seems to me to be a gift you're born with in your bones.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Without seeing the other piece, it's doubly difficult. There are, no doubt, improvements that could be made, but self-flagellation is also a common writer's hobby... except for the occasional post on TwiXer where someone brags about a line they shouldn't, heh heh. I could take a hammer to this, but...

Quick hits... I think this was an attempt to show more than tell. Am I right?

"His heart raced. He was caught like a deer in headlights at the coincidence he had by some miracle walked into."

Showing can sometimes be damned difficult. Sometimes, that's because we're trying to convey the wrong thing, or a dozen other reasons, including "showing" emotion can be a bitch. First: What is showing? Showing is painting a picture, or better for a novel, painting a movie. It's actually better not to stall the scene in the reader's head, what might be called a freeze frame (that lesson for another time). So, let's look at this line and ask, what picture does it paint? Ummm. Not much. Forgivable Cliche (heart raced) Less-Forgivable Cliche (deer in the headlights) and the rest paints an image of nothing. In the case of emotion, what "Showing" attempts to do is build empathy, even on the most minute scale. Barring that, it's also good to get creative. Mind you, a certain amount of cliche is a given, but backing them together like that isn't pretty. In this instance, ask: What is in his mind, and how does it feel for "his heart raced," and what's the visual of his reaction, or even his perceived sense of self in that reaction without flogging a dead deer cliche. Feel for the soul, paint the picture.

“Wait, no!” Dipper yelped, jerking forward on impulse. Mabel and Stan, not knowing what to do and having no better ideas, followed suit, and then… time stopped.

POV— Distinctly Omniscient here, and 3rd Om is a distinct skill. Anyhow... Again, did the picture improve from one to the other? Eh, maybe a touch. Changing an adjective here and there isn't enough. The original shouted was bad because the "!" implies it anyhow. Jerking forward... I might suggest "lurching" because I'm a persnickety bloke. Plus, Mabel and Stan jerking forward puts the old "walk this way" joke into my head. But, at least there is an image here. But, is it much better than the original? A touch. Does it need to be better? Maybe not, but for this thought exercise, assume so. Now we move to the aforementioned Mabel and Stan, with what image painted? At best, a mirror of Dipper and at worst, no image at all. Looking for a light, comedic touch? Turn Stan and Mabel into a quick Keystone Cops schtick if appropriate.

All necessary? Nope. But a good exercise in what Showing really is since all of storytelling is, as the word suggests, Telling.

 

[Prince of Spires]

There are a few things here. First, and most important, don't compare your first draft to someone's final draft. The image of an artist being hit by inspiration, sitting down and writing the perfect novel in a single go is a myth. Great novels are not written, they're rewritten. So if you say that someone's final draft is better than your first then that should come as no surprise.

So my main advice would be to actually keep writing. Finish your story first, then polish it. Right now, you might be polishing a prologue that's not going to be in the final story, or that needs to change a lot to fit the story. This doesn't work for everyone (Demesnedenoir is a write who polishes as he goes I think), but it's much better for the vast majority of the writers out there, who would otherwise keep tweaking the first 5 chapters of their story, never actually getting anywhere with it.

Then, I agree with others that part of the difference is in the dreaded show vs tell. The thing is though that the few examples of changes aren't actually doing much to go from telling to showing. These for instance:

“Wait, no!” Dipper shouted, stepping forward with little time to think. Mabel and Stan followed a split second after, the latter more out of confusion than anything else, and then…

“Wait, no!” Dipper yelped, jerking forward on impulse. Mabel and Stan, not knowing what to do and having no better ideas, followed suit, and then… time stopped.

To me they're just different, but both tell as much. In both examples, we get no idea what Dipper is feeling when he shouts. You're telling us Mabel and Stan have no idea what they're doing, but you're not showing it. (Also note that you're headhopping when you tell us that Mabel and Stan, not knowing what to do, followed suit. You can do that of course, just make sure it's intentional).

Just know that, in general, showing will take more words (a lot more in some case).

And some of it is hard to notice unless you know what you're looking for. This sentence "She heard a distant scream." for instance, is a tell, that distances the reader from the character. Showing it could be something like "a scream like someone dragging their fingernails across the blackboard rang through the hallway." This video gives the best explanation of how to show instead of tell I've found pretty much anywhere:

As for POV, there's nothing wrong with omniscient. Just know that by the very nature of omniscient, it is more distant from the character, and thus it will make the reader feel less what the character feels. Douglas Adams uses it for comedic effect (and he's brilliant), but it works precisely because of the comedy. You'll need to make the reader invested in the story on other grounds than character emotions if you're going with omniscient.

 

[Finchbearer]

Is it fanfic for Gravity Falls? I had to google the names you wrote to find that out. With fanfic it’s highly dependent on the audience if you want to make it a success, so much of the time it doesn’t matter if the writing isn’t great - just your take on the fandom.

It feels passive as I’ve read it, taking me quite far away from the narrative, like I’m watching it all from a distant and trying to squint to find out what’s actually going on. That would be my criticism on it - but practice re-writing it making us feel closer to the action. Try describing how you would feel if you were inside that characters head.

 

[BrittleBones]

Okay, so that other story I mentioned. I figured I should include some excerpts to illustrate how it compares to my own stuff.

Without further ado,

Sprig groaned as he laid face down on the floor of the fwagon. It’d been two days.

Nothing could tempt his grandfather away from the driver’s seat. Not the fields of prismatic roses. Not the world's greatest diner. Not even a local farmers market for frogs sake! That was how desperate Sprig was for anything, anything, else to do, he was excited over the chance to go to a market. Sprig was so frustrated. Once in a lifetime opportunities were literally passing them by and he could do nothing but watch them slip through his fingers.

And Marcy still wasn't herself.

"No!" Sprig hissed under his breath.

Hop Pop staggered back, now starting to get a bit annoyed, but he made sure to leach any anger out of his voice before talking "Now listen-"

"No you listen," Sprig whispered with fists clenched, looking more determined than Hop Pop had seen in a long time. He gestured back towards Marcy, still absorbed in the console. "This is the first time Marcy's smiled , really smiled, in days!" He took a determined step forward, shoulders shaking a little, "and I'm not gonna let you ruin it because you're afraid of her!"

Hop Pop opened his mouth to retort but found himself stunned into silence. Little tears of frustrated tears beaded at the corners of Sprig's eyes. This wasn't some temper tantrum about being stuck in the fwagon all day, he was genuinely angry. “Sprig…”

(fwagon isn't a typo, by the way, no matter how many times my phone tries to autocorrect it)

Are they doing better than me, or is it writer's bias at work here? Very curious. I was a bit limited because of WiFi problems so I couldn't pick out the best parts or any parallels to my own scenes like I had wanted to- I just had to go with what I had already loaded. I think it's clear what I meant by it being worse grammar wise than my own work, but I can still connect to it more? I'm a lot more lenient with it for some reason.

Also, some reviews of my story. All this is just making confused on whether or not I really have an issue. Is it actually detracting from the story to the point where some people might not want to read it or is it just 'I could do better?' I don't know

this story seems to be very well written so far. Good pacing, no noticeable spelling or grammar mistakes

I think your characterization is pretty good so far, much better than a lot of other stories I’ve read.

Interesting chapter and can’t wait for the next one!

I'm not trying to stroke my own you know what here, I just slipped this in because they're another variable confusing me on the issue and it's making me very conflicted.

I definitely need to try some things in my next chapter, though! I'm going to try and be more conscious of Limited POV and getting in close to the characters, and messing with the sentence structure to focus on that. It's really hard, though, and I don't know why! It feels like other authors I've read can really sell a story, even with worse grammar, by doing this. But then, I also haven't really seen a story with good grammar that I've felt is missing this in the same way, so perhaps it is all partly in my head? Also, I've been watching that video. I like it, even though for some reason it's way harder than it looks to actually apply the advice. Feels like course correcting is interrupting the writing flow and it's hard to spot things a lot of the time even in post.

Again, sorry for spewing stuff out here, I'm just really trying to work through my feelings so I can write with more confidence! My plan, at least for now, is to try and improve as I go forward, and if I get a good grasp on things go back and revise the earlier chapters. Clearly they're good enough that people want to read them, and maybe that's different from being good enough that I, as the author and person who's seen the text ten times before, still feel as close to the story. Doesn't make it mediocre, right?

Thanks for your time, everyone. I get if this is a bit difficult to weigh in on XD. I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[BrittleBones]

Is it fanfic for Gravity Falls? I had to google the names you wrote to find that out. With fanfic it’s highly dependent on the audience if you want to make it a success, so much of the time it doesn’t matter if the writing isn’t great - just your take on the fandom.

Sorry for the double post, but yes it is (a crossover, though) and yes, that's definitely true. Could be why I'm getting very positive comments so far. I could have stumbled into giving my audience exactly what they wanted? But I still need to be able to get them to feel for the characters to keep them emotionally invested later on, so I feel like all of this is still a good thing to work on.

It feels passive as I’ve read it, taking me quite far away from the narrative, like I’m watching it all from a distant and trying to squint to find out what’s actually going on. That would be my criticism on it - but practice re-writing it making us feel closer to the action. Try describing how you would feel if you were inside that characters head.

Yeah, I'm going to try and fix that going forward. I've tended to have difficulty stepping into people's shoes and relating to them, though, so maybe I'm writing this from too objective of a standpoint.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

The samples are small, but the writer is doing some things... Repetition: Nothing, not, not, not. There is a little more emotional pull in my opinion, even if the writing needs work.

Quick impression: your work is more blow-by-blow description, while the other is based more on emotion. This could just be the samples, but in general, emotion wins. Pure action needs the emotional connection established. I'm not a fanfic person, but I imagine a lot of people rely on the established character connection of the source material. Anyhow, that's my brief assessment.

 

[pmmg]

I'm a little late to this., I'd be a little interested to see the one you compared yourself to, to see if I agree, but really it does not matter.

I did not read all the comments above. I do agree with Dems. There is a play by play of rising action, but I dont feel the character in it.

Anne grasped onto her stick with both hands, positioning it in front of her chest point-down. She poured what strength she had left into her arms, driving the makeshift spear down with a herculean effort.

Anne grasped the stick with both hands and jammed it down, hoping it would be enough. The sharpened point found a seam and she poured what strength she had left into it, driving the point down, her whole body shaking from the exertion. The creature shifted, it would not be enough. She screamed, desperate to give it more, and then a crack, and the creature squealed. Her arms sank, her thrust sliding deeper in. She felt relief, but still held the tightness of fear in her shaking stressed-white hands, and trembling arms.


Just some small stuff added to give more of what it all means to the character beyond the recitation of the action.

I dont really know the tone of the tale but these next two lines to not add to the tension, IMO>

“Hey, ugly!” Sprig shouted. “Over... here!”
A pebble bounced off the monster’s shell with a small plink, and it turned its head ever so slightly...

Hey Ugly, Pebble, Plink...are not dangerous type words.

 

[BrittleBones]

I'm a little late to this., I'd be a little interested to see the one you compared yourself to, to see if I agree, but really it does not matter.

I did not read all the comments above.

You can find excerpts in one of my comments

 

[pmmg]

Okay, In just the below, I already feel more of what the characters are projecting. Sprig Groaned... Nothing could tempt... Thats how desparate...

I feel who these characters are. Its not just that sprig laid on the floor, or his grandfather was in the drivers seat, I feel their character exposed in it.

Sprig groaned as he laid face down on the floor of the fwagon. It’d been two days.

Nothing could tempt his grandfather away from the driver’s seat. Not the fields of prismatic roses. Not the world's greatest diner. Not even a local farmers market for frogs sake! That was how desperate Sprig was for anything,

 

[BrittleBones]

Okay, In just the below, I already feel more of what the characters are projecting. Sprig Groaned... Nothing could tempt... Thats how desparate...

I feel who these characters are. Its not just that sprig laid on the floor, or his grandfather was in the drivers seat, I feel their character exposed in it.

Sprig groaned as he laid face down on the floor of the fwagon. It’d been two days.

Nothing could tempt his grandfather away from the driver’s seat. Not the fields of prismatic roses. Not the world's greatest diner. Not even a local farmers market for frogs sake! That was how desperate Sprig was for anything,

Hm. I've tried working on this in the new chapter. Since I've got you here I might as well ask, am I doing a better job here?

“Who’s that at the door?”

“Sounds like Maddie.” Sprig’s face pulled taut, and he eyeballed the door like it was a hungry monster. “She’s, uh... creepy. I’m sort of worried she’ll harvest my organs for an occultic ritual if I get too close.”

“I’ll get it!” Mabel chirped, bounding up the stairs and flinging open the door. Anne guessed she was excited at the prospect of meeting someone new- she had shared a plan with her to get all of the townspeople to like them so they’d stop forming angry mobs.

She let out a puff of air, drawing circles in the dust with one finger. Mabel was a good person, but her optimism was intense. She liked that part of her, since it reminded her of Marcy, but it was also kind of worrying?

“Anne,” Sprig said, and she looked up. “Copper for your thoughts?”

“Oh.” She paused for a moment, not sure how best to phrase herself. Didn’t want to give Sprig the wrong impression.

Anyways, after this I think I'm about done with this thread. Need to stop leaking all these excerpts on here or I might as well just post the entire story lmao Thank you for your time, everyone.

 

[pmmg]

I'm going to point you to the rules below. In particular, "don't seek feed back till its finished."

Writing is not a set of rules and lessons, you just learn them and all is good. Its a long process of growth and improvement in the craft.

The fastest way to improve your own writing and to seek out and review the crap out of other writers like yourself. Feedback on your own, which might seem against all logic, is not the best path. Its just not expansive enough.



“Who’s that at the door?”


“Sounds like Maddie.” Sprig’s face pulled taut, and he eyeballed the door like it was a hungry monster. “She’s, uh... creepy. I’m sort of worried she’ll harvest my organs for an occultic ritual if I get too close.”


“I’ll get it!” Mabel chirped, bounding up the stairs and flinging open the door. Anne guessed she was excited at the prospect of meeting someone new- she had shared a plan with her to get all of the townspeople to like them so they’d stop forming angry mobs.

She let out a puff of air, drawing circles in the dust with one finger. Mabel was a good person, but her optimism was intense. She liked that part of her, since it reminded her of Marcy, but it was also kind of worrying?

“Anne,” Sprig said, and she looked up. “Copper for your thoughts?”

“Oh.” She paused for a moment, not sure how best to phrase herself. Didn’t want to give Sprig the wrong impression.


I assume the POV of Anne. The language here is lacking gravity. Someone looking at the door like it was a monster, and then chirped in the next paragraph are painting opposite moods. Thats okay, if the work to to be light-hearted, but I am not a light-hearted type.

The characters still have an aspect to them like they are puppets and we are just watching their motions. He jumped, she pulled, he chirped, she paused.... There is also a bit of telling and not showing... Mabel was a good person, Anne guess she was excited, she had shared a plan...its all telling.

There are portions that reveal the characters but I feel like I am watching a play, and not in the scene with them. Mabel chirped and bounded shows her lack of concern, Anne liked something about Mabel. Anne had concern over who to phrase something.

The writing is not bad. It could just be more engaging. I think that is something you must work at to gain skill with. So I point you back to the opening words of this post for how to get there.