The Story-in-a-Sentence

[Mindfire]

Well, not always a single sentence, but you all know what I'm getting at. The summary that says almost everything there is to say about your story in only a few words. Like a blurb, but smaller. The Nutshellâ„¢. I've read (somewhere) that having a good handle on what your Nutshellâ„¢ is can improve the clarity and focus of your story, as well as help you come up with titles (something I'm presently grappling with). The intent of this thread is to create a place where people can post their Nutshellâ„¢ to be cracked critiqued.


In general, a Nutshellâ„¢ should:

• Introduce the main character (if applicable)
• Describe the premise
• Hint at the main conflict(s)

 

[Mindfire]

Here's mine. I'd welcome comments on it.


Version 1
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries.

Version 2
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for the blood of children.

Version 3
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his blood.



Version 1 is, strictly speaking, the most literally accurate, but I think it's also the least striking.

Version 2 is less literal. It nearly implies that the cult actually drinks human blood, which they don't. (Yet. But I might add that in now...) They merely perform human sacrifice. But I think version 2 is more visceral than version 1.

Version 3 is the least literally true. It goes a step further and suggests the cult not only drinks blood, but wishes to drink Reuben's blood, which is not (literally) the case. This is a reference to a turn of the plot wherein the cult's leader tries to brainwash Reuben and make him into her bodyguard and bed-slave. But this version is probably the most visceral of the three.

Overall, I'm leaning towards version 2. Thoughts or comments?

 

[Twook00]

Lou Anders mentioned something like this recently. He called it his formula for a successful story. Something like...

When (a sympathetic protagonist) encounters (a conflict or situation) he/she must then do (something concrete) in order to (concrete goal).

He used the Labyrinth as an example....

When Sarah's baby brother is kidnapped by the powerful Goblin King, she is thrust into a world of fantasy where she must find her way through the Labyrinth and defeat the Goblin King in order to save his life.

 

[Twook00]

Version 1
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries.

Version 2
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for the blood of children.

Version 3
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his blood.

I liked 1 and 2. What's the connection between the usurper and the cult? Also, what makes the journey perilous?

 

[Twook00]

TRIPLE POST!

Here's mine (in two sentences):

Last Man Standing:
When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from a maniacal wizard named Wrenlaw, almost all of humanity is destroyed. Now, alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with what he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of humanity.

 

[Graylorne]

@Mindfire

I think #2 a bit, pardon me for directness, cheap. As if you say: look how awful, the blood of children.

There is a 4th possibility:

Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his people's blood / the blood of his people.

 

[Graylorne]

TRIPLE POST!

Here's mine (in two sentences):

Last Man Standing:
When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from a maniacal wizard named Wrenlaw, almost all of humanity is destroyed. Now, alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with what he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of humanity.

Very effective.

 

[Mindfire]

I liked 1 and 2. What's the connection between the usurper and the cult? Also, what makes the journey perilous?

The usurper is secretly in league with the cult. He's kind of using them as blackmail. As king, he's supposed to hunt them out and exterminate them, but instead he chooses to allow them to exist so he can strong-arm people into following his leadership, similar to how real-world leaders might use the threat of foreign invaders as a cover for their shameless power-grab.

As for what makes the journey perilous: a mad general, a storm at sea, huge armored sharks, a blistering desert, a giant snake, poisonous frogs, giant killer sloths, giant man-eating tigers, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting right now.

But if what you're getting at is that the word "perilous" is an terribly vague descriptor, I see your point. I'm trying to come up with a way to fix that.

 

[Mindfire]

TRIPLE POST!

Here's mine (in two sentences):

Last Man Standing:
When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from a maniacal wizard named Wrenlaw, almost all of humanity is destroyed. Now, alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with what he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of humanity.

I like this. Something about the name "Wrenlaw" just bugs me though. I don't know why. But that's just me. What I would change is to call him "the" wizard, rather than just "a" wizard and take out the word named. I would say "who he is" rather than "what he is", avoid repeating the word "humanity", and make the part about their near destruction more striking. Like this:

When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from the maniacal wizard Wrenlaw, mankind is nearly annhilated. Now alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with who he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of the human race.

 

[Ireth]

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter night, or risk losing everything she loves.

Summer's Pawn:
When Vincent and his family are commanded to hunt down and capture a fugitive Fae princess, they must decide how much they are willing to sacrifice in order to keep her from suffering a terrible fate at her father's hands.

Moonhunter (working title):
When the wolves blessed by the moon goddess begin losing their powers of speech and reason, Vádas must leave his pack and find a way to save his people from reverting to mindless beasts, even if it means defying the gods themselves.

Death by Chocolate:
When Clarence is suspected of a string of murders in his village, he must find a way to clear his name and discover the killer's identity before his freedom or life is made forfeit.

 

[Mindfire]

@Mindfire

I think #2 is a bit, pardon me for directness, cheap. As if you say: look how awful, the blood of children.

There is a 4th possibility:

Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his people's blood / the blood of his people.

That is a 4th possibility, thanks! And yes, I'm aware that the part about the children is shamelessly manipulative. But I think that's part of why it works! Only joking.

 

[Twook00]

The usurper is secretly in league with the cult. He's kind of using them as blackmail. As king, he's supposed to hunt them out and exterminate them, but instead he chooses to allow them to exist so he can strong-arm people into following his leadership, similar to how real-world leaders might use the threat of foreign invaders as a cover for their shameless power-grab.

As for what makes the journey perilous: a mad general, a storm at sea, huge armored sharks, a blistering desert, a giant snake, poisonous frogs, giant killer sloths, giant man-eating tigers, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting right now.

But if what you're getting at is that the word "perilous" is an terribly vague descriptor, I see your point. I'm trying to come up with a way to fix that.

This sounds fun. If you can incorporate some of the concrete details above, I think you'll leave a stronger impression.

 

[Mindfire]

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter night, or risk losing everything she loves.

This is really good, except I'm left wondering what "everything she loves" is. This would be even stronger if you could somehow squeeze something more specific in there.

Summer's Pawn:
When Vincent and his family are commanded to hunt down and capture a fugitive Fae princess, they must decide how much they are willing to sacrifice in order to keep her from suffering a terrible fate at her father's hands.

This is also really good. I'm left wondering what the terrible fate is, but in this case it works because it acts as incentive to crack open the book and find out.

Moonhunter (working title):
When the wolves blessed by the moon goddess begin losing their powers of speech and reason, Vádas must leave his pack and find a way to save his people from reverting to mindless beasts, even if it means defying the gods themselves.

Awesome. (I love wolves!) But I'd take out the word "the" at the start that I strikethrough'd. You don't really need it.

Death by Chocolate:
When Clarence is suspected of a string of murders in his village, he must find a way to clear his name and discover the killer's identity before his freedom or life is made forfeit.

Good, but it could be better. Right now it feels a little too "average-falsely-accused-murder-mystery". See if you can add in more of the elements that make your story stand out. Like what chocolate has to do with any of this. (Of course, if you want to leave the chocolate part ambiguous to hook the reader, that could work too.)

 

[Mindfire]

This sounds fun. If you can incorporate some of the concrete details above, I think you'll leave a stronger impression.

Thanks. I'm pondering it now.

 

[Twook00]

Ireth, I agree with Mindfire on all points EXCEPT one: I just like wolves...

Good stuff, though.

 

[Leif Notae]

Project Owlgriffin (working title, of course): Pre-teen discovers mother is washing her magical stuffed toys because she is "grown up" and doesn't need to save the world anymore.

 

[Graylorne]

Scarfar: A slave boy found a piece of the sky and became the one to recharge an ancient menhir with it, in a far away land to the South, but how to get there without freedom, money or magic, through a frozen kingdom rife with rebellion, with at his side the one boy who hates his guts?

 

[Ireth]

Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00! Revision time:

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.

More to come later once I figure out Death by Chocolate and hopefully Low Road as well.

 

[saellys]

Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00! Revision time:

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.

Looks great! I would scrap "everything--" and let the weight of those last four words really hit.

 

[Mindfire]

Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00! Revision time:

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.

More to come later once I figure out Death by Chocolate and hopefully Low Road as well.

Echoing saellys, I'd also drop "everything". I'd also drop "freedom", since it's kind of implied by the fact that she's been kidnapped, and therefore redundant.

When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing her family, her home, and her humanity.