The Story-in-a-Sentence

[Mindfire]

Scarfar: A slave boy found a piece of the sky and became the one to recharge an ancient menhir with it, in a far away land to the South, but how to get there without freedom, money or magic, through a frozen kingdom rife with rebellion, with at his side the one boy who hates his guts?

Interesting. I prefer to phrase mine in the declarative, though the interrogative might also work. One thing I would do is take out the word "menhir" unless you're going to explain what it is. Also, I would give the slave boy's name. It makes him more immediately relatable and interesting to the reader. Also the "became" part is a bit passive. Also, has he already recharged it or is he on a quest to recharge it? Or is he on a quest to return it somewhere? I don't quite understand what the premise is. I'd rewrite it something like...

Hero, a slave boy, discovered a fallen star and gave part of his own life energy in order to renew its power. Now he must journey southward across a frozen kingdom torn by civil war to return the star to it's rightful owner, but can a sickly boy survive such a treacherous journey when his only companion is also his worst enemy?

or, if the war hasn't fully erupted yet,

Hero, a slave boy, discovered a fallen star and gave part of his own life energy in order to renew its power. Now he must journey southward across a frozen kingdom to return the star to it's rightful owner before the land is engulfed by civil war, but can a sickly boy survive such a treacherous journey when his only companion is also his worst enemy?

I just did those as an example. Your actual idea might be completely different from what I came up with. (Which is fine by me, because I'll use it if you don't. Maybe even if you do. Two people can start from the same idea and go two different places after all.)

 

[Mindfire]

Project Owlgriffin (working title, of course): Pre-teen discovers mother is washing her magical stuffed toys because she is "grown up" and doesn't need to save the world anymore.

Hmm... There's something here, but there's a few things missing also. What's the girl's name? How does washing affect the magic? What do the magic stuffed toys have to do with world-saving?

 

[Penpilot]

Just gave the Lou Anders formula a spin. Here's my current novel in a nutshell.

When a down and out spellslinger returns home for a last chance to resurrect his failing career, he has to come to terms with his past, his career, and his ex, before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants, a girl who he doesn't even see.

 

[Graylorne]

Second version:


Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?

 

[Mindfire]

So your idea was different? Awesome! I'll use the one I wrote then. Tuck it away in my "to write" folder of ideas. As for your new Nutshell™, I'll review it when I return from class.

 

[saellys]

When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing her family, her home, and her humanity.

Yeah, this is nice and punchy.

 

[Addison]

The log line should be between one and...five or something sentences. Not too long, flashy or anything. All it should do is cover the who, what, where and why the reader should care.

 

[Ireth]

I like your version of my Nutshell, Mindfire. ^^

 

[Leif Notae]

Hmm... There's something here, but there's a few things missing also. What's the girl's name? How does washing affect the magic? What do the magic stuffed toys have to do with world-saving?

A sentence only, remember? Glad to know there were some dangling parts to make someone interested.

 

[michael.harrel]

Here's mine. I'd welcome comments on it.
Version 1
Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries.

I like this one best. It strikes me as a *little* wordy, but every time I tried to cut something out I realized that the sentence lost something. The most I could do was wonder if we need to know that the cult has been at war with his people for centuries -- you don't mention it in your other two sentences, so maybe it's not that important to know up-front?

 

[Mindfire]

A sentence only, remember? Glad to know there were some dangling parts to make someone interested.

Yes, but it's not a complete sentence. It's a fragment. I was trying not to be a grammar tyrant, but there it is. And why do you choose not to name your protagonist?

 

[michael.harrel]

Second version:


Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?

This is much better! My only quibble would be the repetition of Muus' name. I'd change that sentence to "Now bound to the shard, he..."

Also, tangentially, how is "Muus" pronounced? To me it's reminiscent of "Mouse" (which is good for a Hero's Journey-type story), and "Muse". Pretty sweet.

 

[michael.harrel]

Here's our current pitch for Camlann:

"Two estranged brothers must work together to restore their dishonored family before war and politics bring them to ruin."

Super vague, yeah?

 

[Mindfire]

I like this one best. It strikes me as a *little* wordy, but every time I tried to cut something out I realized that the sentence lost something. The most I could do was wonder if we need to know that the cult has been at war with his people for centuries -- you don't mention it in your other two sentences, so maybe it's not that important to know up-front?

Thanks! I have, I think, a better trimmed version here.

Here's our current pitch for Camlann:

"Two estranged brothers must work together to restore their dishonored family before war and politics bring them to ruin."

Super vague, yeah?

Super vague, yeah. Add a few tantalizing details.

Just gave the Lou Anders formula a spin. Here's my current novel in a nutshell.

When a down and out spellslinger returns home for a last chance to resurrect his failing career, he has to come to terms with his past, his career, and his ex, before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants, a girl who he doesn't even see.

Looks pretty solid, but the last part confuses me. What do you mean by "before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants"? And if he really wan'ts the girl, why can he not see her? I think this needs some more clarity.

Second version:


Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?

Much better, but I'd get rid of a comma or two and combine some things, like this:

When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its magic compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. Can he keep the shard from falling into the hands of ruthless enemies and resist the maddening effect of its power when his only companion utterly despises him?

 

[Leif Notae]

Yes, but it's not a complete sentence. It's a fragment. I was trying not to be a grammar tyrant, but there it is. And why do you choose not to name your protagonist?

Ah, but it is a marketing sentence. Those don't have to word well at all. Why do you need to know the name of my protagonist right now?

EDIT: I'm not trying to draw fire here, I am quite curious why this matters.

 

[Twook00]

Ah, but it is a marketing sentence. Those don't have to word well at all. Why do you need to know the name of my protagonist right now?

EDIT: I'm not trying to draw fire here, I am quite curious why this matters.

I think there's something in a name that captures the imagination and attracts the reader. It also distinguishes the character. That said, I don't think it's necessary.

Consider this tagline From IMDB:
In the distant future, a small waste collecting robot inadvertently embarks on a space journey that will ultimately decide the fate of mankind.

Obviously this is referring to Wall-E, but there's no mention of his name.

 

[Leif Notae]

Right, well then I shall remove the offending sentence. My apologies for the marketing speak.

 

[Mindfire]

Right, well then I shall remove the offending sentence. My apologies for the marketing speak.

Who did you offend?

 

[Leif Notae]

Who did you offend?

No one, but it is apparent the sentence doesn't fit the structure provided so it is offending. No sweat, Mind!

 

[Graylorne]

Also, tangentially, how is "Muus" pronounced? To me it's reminiscent of "Mouse" (which is good for a Hero's Journey-type story), and "Muse". Pretty sweet.

You're right on both counts. The sound of a Dutch UU doesn't exist in English. It's a bit like the sound of a shrill whistle. I think it's best to say 'Muse'. It's meaning is derived from 'mouse', as the boy comes from a small race, very white-skinned, and he is in a land full of tall, strapping Nords.

I just did those as an example. Your actual idea might be completely different from what I came up with. (Which is fine by me, because I'll use it if you don't. Maybe even if you do. Two people can start from the same idea and go two different places after all.)

Help yourself (This is the most basic concept of my Scarfar w.i.p.)

New version:

When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. But to keep his mind free, he must first regain the magic that was rightfully his. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?