The Story-in-a-Sentence

[Rullenzar]

Here's mine:
Untitled - A young man named Wulden, raised by simple folk, sets out on a journey of revenge. But, he soon realizes that everything he thought he knew is clouded by something far sinister.

Short, sweet and to the point.

 

[saellys]

Here's a revised concept for Camlann:

Estranged twin brothers Rasmus and Haelon Korvald have incompatible approaches to restoring their dishonored family, but when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can work together.

This feels like the minimum level of detail needed to convey the conflict, but the sentence is just so dang inelegant. Any suggestions?

Here's mine:
Untitled - A young man named Wulden, raised by simple folk, sets out on a journey of revenge. But, he soon realizes that everything he thought he knew is clouded by something far sinister.

Short, sweet and to the point.

Why is he seeking revenge? Is it somehow linked with the simple folk who raised him? What does "far sinister" really mean?

I know it seems like these are questions a potential reader ought to be asking when they pick up your book, but it might actually help to get more people to pick it up if you answer some of them in advance.

 

[Shockley]

'He sat there, suffering.'

 

[Mindfire]

When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. But to keep his mind free, he must first regain the magic that was rightfully his. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?

Better. But the sentences feel a little disjointed. See if you can tie them together more.

 

[Mindfire]

Estranged twin brothers Rasmus and Haelon Korvald have incompatible approaches to restoring their dishonored family, but when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can work together.

Hmmm... well for starters, do we really need Haelon's (and Rasmus's too I assume) surname? Taking out Korvald will improve the sentence I think. And speaking of sentence, it's a run-on. Sometimes you can be sneaky and get away with run-ons, but I don't think it's working for you here. This whole thing would flow better as two sentences I feel. Also, is it their family they want to restore, or their family's honor? There's quite a difference. The first one will require at least one woman, while that is not necessarily true for the second. Also, you tell us very little about the brothers themselves or what they want to do, only that their ideas are incompatible. I'd rewrite the whole thing something like this:

Despite sharing the desire to restore their family's honor, estranged twins Rasmus and Haelon have chosen contrary paths. Rasmus pursues ___ and ___ while Haelon instead chooses to _____. But when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can combine their opposite styles into an effective team.

 

[Mindfire]

'He sat there, suffering.'

Um... is there a story here somewhere?

 

[saellys]

Hmmm... well for starters, do we really need Haelon's (and Rasmus's too I assume) surname? Taking out Korvald will improve the sentence I think. And speaking of sentence, it's a run-on. Sometimes you can be sneaky and get away with run-ons, but I don't think it's working for you here. This whole thing would flow better as two sentences I feel. Also, is it their family they want to restore, or their family's honor? There's quite a difference. The first one will require at least one woman, while that is not necessarily true for the second. Also, you tell us very little about the brothers themselves or what they want to do, only that their ideas are incompatible. I'd rewrite the whole thing something like this:

Scrapping the surname: check!

They're trying to restore the social status of their dishonored family. I'm not sure which angle you'd use for that, or why one would require women, but the other wouldn't. There are quite a few women in Camlann. Rasmus and Haelon are the POV characters, hence the focus on them for the summary.

While I can accept (and maybe even derive some satisfaction from) the idea that our story is complex enough to warrant a multi-sentence summary, I'd much rather pare it down.

 

[Mindfire]

Scrapping the surname: check!

They're trying to restore the social status of their dishonored family. I'm not sure which angle you'd use for that, or why one would require women, but the other wouldn't. There are quite a few women in Camlann. Rasmus and Haelon are the POV characters, hence the focus on them for the summary.

While I can accept (and maybe even derive some satisfaction from) the idea that our story is complex enough to warrant a multi-sentence summary, I'd much rather pare it down.

That was a joke. See, restoring their family implies that their family has died out and they need to... um... produce more relatives. Restoring their family's honor requires no such action.

 

[Steerpike]

From Hemingway (or at least attributed to him by a playwright):

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

 

[saellys]

That was a joke. See, restoring their family implies that their family has died out and they need to... um... produce more relatives. Restoring their family's honor requires no such action.

Ah. Gotcha.

 

[Mindfire]

Ah. Gotcha.

Yeah it's one of those weird grammar things.

And yes I think a multi-sentence summary would be preferable. But if you really want to keep it to one sentence, I'd do something like:

Rasmus and Haelon, twin brothers with very different ideas about how to restore their family's honor, must find a way to reconcile their many differences in order to survive an onslaught of war, rebellion, and plague.

 

[Graylorne]

Better. But the sentences feel a little disjointed. See if you can tie them together more.

When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. To keep his mind free from the shard’s call, he must regain his rightful magic. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?

 

[saellys]

Rasmus and Haelon, twin brothers with very different ideas about how to restore their family's honor, must find a way to reconcile their many differences in order to survive an onslaught of war, rebellion, and plague.

That's very close to what I'm going for. I'll keep playing with it. Thanks a ton!

 

[Phietadix]

Minfire I Prefer Versions 3 and 4 of yours. They seem more dramatic than 1 and don't imply that they acutally drink blood nearly as much as 2


My story in a nutshell.
A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever.

 

[saellys]

A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever.

Lose the epic fantasy buzzwords and give us something concrete. Why are they leaving?

 

[Mindfire]

Minfire I Prefer Versions 3 and 4 of yours. They seem more dramatic than 1 and don't imply that they acutally drink blood nearly as much as 2


My story in a nutshell.
A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever.

As saellys suggests, this is quite vague. Also, your grammar is off. I'd suggest you give us more information about who the characters are and why we should care. What separates your ragtag group of adventurers from every other ragtag band we've read about? What about your story justifies our interest? That's the key. Find that part of your story that sells itself and focus on it.

"ragtag group of adventurers", "cursed land", "journey to change the fate of the world": these are not characters or even plot points. They're just tropes. Tropes are the skeleton of a story, nothing more. Where's the flesh and vital organs? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be harsh. But I think you need to really think about what makes your plot unique, what makes your vision special, and then stick to that.

 

[Phietadix]

Anything more detailed would be hard to desribe in one or two sentances. The Cursed land is the Capital city of the Phietadix nation as well as the nearby Tagia, the curse itself was caused by a wizard who acted in rage at the death of his son, killed acidently in a hunting trip, it involed a famine and cutting the city complety off from the outside world. The ragtag group of adventurers are well just that, not much that they have in common, formed just to pool their resources in the city's crumbling economy. I haven't decided yet why they left. Changing the fate of the world is mainly by ending the curse and returning what's left of the city back into the world.

 

[Mindfire]

I haven't decided yet why they left.

That about sums up your problem. Your summary isn't engaging yet because you haven't fully discovered what your story is about. But that's just fine for now because writing summaries is a good exercise to help you discover what your story is about. Sit down for a while and give it some good, long thought. Sooner or later you'll discover something.

 

[Phietadix]

Not all of them would have left for the same reason. Matthew (the main character) would likely leave to escape the law, he was a assassin/thief as well as and orphan, his father disappearing after bringing the news off the curse to the city. His father may even have been responsible for starting the curse as he was with the wizards son when he died, he might have even caused his death. Jaylen, A paladin of Adonai (If you want to know what that means it'll take awhile) might have even tried to break the curse. Same with the Guard Jonathon. a friend of Matthew's father. Others in their group might have wanted to leave because of the lack of food and other resources in the city. Some might have left because the rest of their group was leaving, strength was in numbers, and it was hard to survive in the city now.

 

[Mindfire]

Not all of them would have left for the same reason. Matthew (the main character) would likely leave to escape the law, he was a assassin/thief as well as and orphan, his father disappearing after bringing the news off the curse to the city. His father may even have been responsible for starting the curse as he was with the wizards son when he died, he might have even caused his death. Jaylen, A paladin of Adonai (If you want to know what that means it'll take awhile) might have even tried to break the curse. Same with the Guard Jonathon. a friend of Matthew's father. Others in their group might have wanted to leave because of the lack of food and other resources in the city. Some might have left because the rest of their group was leaving, strength was in numbers, and it was hard to survive in the city now.

Paladin of Adonai seems fairly obvious to me: a holy warrior of Adonai.

And I think what you should focus on for your summary is the group dynamic. What's their common goal, if any? Do they agree on how this goal should be achieved? Is there tension in the group? Things like that.