Ronald T.
Troubadour
It seems the first thing you must do is decide if you agree with the critic's point. If not, your problem is solved. That single critic is just one person's point of view. However, if multiple people suggest the same thing, then, perhaps you actually have some work to do.
Maybe you've already considered italicized "internal thoughts" and have either discarded that technique or have used it to a smaller or larger extent. But I've found that if I want a character to respond a certain way in open public, but also wish to express the true hidden feelings within the character, "internal thoughts" are always a way to show hidden, but deeply felt, emotions within the POV character without making the truth known to other characters in the story.
It works for me because I love to read and write stories that are filled with both the hidden and openly expressed emotions of the characters. What a character actually does is very important to a story. But, to my mind, why they do it and how they feel about what they do, is even more important. If I don't feel what the character feels, then why am I reading the novel? I might as well be reading a text book.
Although I could be a mile off the mark, this might be what the critic was speaking about in "Making it more personal". But not having read your first chapter, this is only a guess on my part. In other words...I'm trying to describe an elephant without ever seeing such a creature.
When you have edited the work to your satisfaction, it would make it easier for members to help if you shared your chapter with the forum. Even then, you'll have to sort it out to your personal taste and style.
From the sound of your question, I can see you have a difficult task ahead of you. If I missed your point, I apologize. And all I can do is hope you find a quick resolution on this issue, and wish you all the best with your ongoing series.
Maybe you've already considered italicized "internal thoughts" and have either discarded that technique or have used it to a smaller or larger extent. But I've found that if I want a character to respond a certain way in open public, but also wish to express the true hidden feelings within the character, "internal thoughts" are always a way to show hidden, but deeply felt, emotions within the POV character without making the truth known to other characters in the story.
It works for me because I love to read and write stories that are filled with both the hidden and openly expressed emotions of the characters. What a character actually does is very important to a story. But, to my mind, why they do it and how they feel about what they do, is even more important. If I don't feel what the character feels, then why am I reading the novel? I might as well be reading a text book.
Although I could be a mile off the mark, this might be what the critic was speaking about in "Making it more personal". But not having read your first chapter, this is only a guess on my part. In other words...I'm trying to describe an elephant without ever seeing such a creature.
When you have edited the work to your satisfaction, it would make it easier for members to help if you shared your chapter with the forum. Even then, you'll have to sort it out to your personal taste and style.
From the sound of your question, I can see you have a difficult task ahead of you. If I missed your point, I apologize. And all I can do is hope you find a quick resolution on this issue, and wish you all the best with your ongoing series.
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