Writing about sex, intimacy and relationships

[Miles Lacey]

I wrote this thread because of a very unusual problem which has been the main reason why my work in progress has grind to a halt (aside from a technological issue a few weeks back).

How do I write about sex, intimacy or relationships if I have never experienced intimacy with anyone, had a relationship and my only sexual experience involved sex with sex workers on a handful of occasions?

It wouldn't be such an issue if I was a teenager or in my early 20s but I'm turning 55 years old this year!

Somehow I doubt readers would want to read about an eighteen year old female character who is on a quest with a group of companions who find her a great person to be around but who also find her so physically repulsive they actually throw up at the thought of seeing her in a bikini, let alone having sex with her.

 

[Queshire]

Well, I'm a few decades younger, but I'm in the same position.

With sex itself it's probably easiest to just fade to black.

For intimacy and relationships I've found it most useful to read a lot, pay attention to how other stories handle it and compare that to how you handle that in your stories. It probably won't be totally realistic, but helps in a pinch.

 

[Gurkhal]

I know that I've decided to make these things a part of the background of characters, as often as possible, as opposed to add it directly to the story as a important or explicit part of the plot or character development.

And "fade to black" is always a very good way to handle these things.

 

[ThinkerX]

I spent a decade delivering pizza for a shop where several of the female staff were promiscuous - to put it mildly. Among other things, they thought business would skyrocket if the waitstaff 'went topless.' They continually drifted from one affair to another, with corresponding emotional meltdowns. And, yes, they went into obscene detail on the spicy stuff. I draw upon the memories of those times for the racier stuff.

 

[Queshire]

When it comes to purely physical attraction I prefer to use actions to communicate it more than physical descriptions. Instead of describing the knight's muscles have the party mage pause to watch them training in the morning with sweat glinting on their skin and their movements kicking up the early morning dew. Instead of talking about the mage's booba have the knight pause on his way to bed at the sight of the mage staying up into the wee hours of the morning in order to study magic.

 

[Finchbearer]

It’s something that you IMO could write and do not be afraid to write it.

I’ve never spoken an incantation, or forged an axe or been on a battle field but we all suppose we can write these types of things we haven’t done in real life for our fantasy novels don’t we?

It’s probably along the lines of doing some research, and trying to find that authentic voice that suits the scene /s.

 

[Miles Lacey]

It’s something that you IMO could write and do not be afraid to write it.

I’ve never spoken an incantation, or forged an axe or been on a battle field but we all suppose we can write these types of things we have done in real life for our fantasy novels don’t we?

It’s probably along the lines of doing some research, and trying to find that authentic voice that suits the scene /s.

I have some excellent - and unexpected - sources of information about sex through a mate who works in the sex industry here in New Zealand and my experience of working for the New Zealand AIDS Foundation (now the Burnett Foundation) in the 1990s taught me more about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and what gay men get up to than I ever want to know. But listening to and reading what others have done isn't the same thing: a lesson I learned the hard way through my self-published novel (of which I shall never name or speak of) where i was roasted alive over how bad the sex and intimacy stuff was because of my lack of first hand experience of sex.

I do appreciate the advice and encouragement, though.

 

[Prince of Spires]

The same way as with any other experience we write about without having experienced it. I've never flown a dragon, been in a life or death fight, slit someone's throat, discovered an ancient underground temple, or witnessed a human sacrifice. I still write it. There are a few approaches.

Extrapolate from what you have experienced is a big one. You might have never been in a relationship, but maybe you have had roommates, lived with other people, had parents or siblings. Think of how you experienced that relationship, and extapolate it to an intimate relationship.

Research is another. I haven't fought in life and death battles, but others have, and I can read their experiences. I can dig into the psychology of it, or read about how the Spanish conquistador's experienced the levels of human sacrifice they saw in the Aztec empire.

Borrowing from other sources is another one. You can copy relationships from TV shows, movies, and books. While they might not be accurate or the truth, they are often accepted enough by the general public as being how this is shown in entertainment.

As for sex specifically, you can just get away with fading to black. In most books there is very little reason to add a graphical sex scene. Especially if it doesn't fit the tone of the books. Just hint that it's about to happen, and then jump to the next chapter.

 

[Finchbearer]

But listening to and reading what others have done isn't the same thing: a lesson I learned the hard way through my self-published novel (of which I shall never name or speak of) where i was roasted alive over how bad the sex and intimacy stuff was because of my lack of first hand experience of sex.

One thing I will tentatively say is perhaps you are internalising it too much. Even with first hand experiences of sex and intimacy, one’s own experience is not necessarily what is needed IMO for the story. Also, depending on what type of rendition you are going for, it might be more palatable if an intimate scene is what people wish sex was like. There’s too many variables to go on here.

Sex is also one thing on its own, but intimacy is another. Think about what you would want intimacy to feel like. It doesn’t always go hand in hand with sexual overtones.

 

[Queshire]

One thing to keep in mind as fantasy writers is the heightened emotions that occur after dangerous situations. Fighting is a stressful and adrenaline filled thing where instead of the gentle caress of a hand you're more likely to find a hand pointing a sword at you! Even if your characters aren't the type to go a-whoring after a battle there's the possibility that they'll jump into a relationship that they otherwise wouldn't in peacetime.

 

[Miles Lacey]

One thing to keep in mind as fantasy writers is the heightened emotions that occur after dangerous situations. Fighting is a stressful and adrenaline filled thing where instead of the gentle caress of a hand you're more likely to find a hand pointing a sword at you! Even if your characters aren't the type to go a-whoring after a battle there's the possibility that they'll jump into a relationship that they otherwise wouldn't in peacetime.

I remember reading a book about young United Nations aid workers who became disillusioned with how the United Nations conducted its various operations. After encountering life-threatening situations they would have what you described. It was called "emergency sex". The book was called. Emergency Sex (And Other Desperate Measures): True Stories from a War Zone by Andrew Thomson, Heidi Postlewait, and Kenneth Cain

 

[Finchbearer]

There has been a covid baby boom…so, you do the maths!

 

[Miles Lacey]

There has been a covid baby boom…so, you do the maths!

I would except that my maths is even worse than my ability to attract a partner of either gender.

 

[Finchbearer]

I am sure you have lots of great qualities.

Maybe it would be useful to gain various feedback on those particular scenes to gain a better insight?

 

[Mad Swede]

I wrote this thread because of a very unusual problem which has been the main reason why my work in progress has grind to a halt (aside from a technological issue a few weeks back).

How do I write about sex, intimacy or relationships if I have never experienced intimacy with anyone, had a relationship and my only sexual experience involved sex with sex workers on a handful of occasions?

It wouldn't be such an issue if I was a teenager or in my early 20s but I'm turning 55 years old this year!

Somehow I doubt readers would want to read about an eighteen year old female character who is on a quest with a group of companions who find her a great person to be around but who also find her so physically repulsive they actually throw up at the thought of seeing her in a bikini, let alone having sex with her.

As others have written, use a fade to black when it comes to sex. That's what I do and it works fairly well, most readers can picture these things for themselves. As for relationships, I take it you have friends and have (or have had) work colleagues? I'd suggest thinking about what makes those relationships fun and rewarding, and then applying that to your characters.

 

[pmmg]

Somehow I doubt readers would want to read about an eighteen year old female character who is on a quest with a group of companions who find her a great person to be around but who also find her so physically repulsive they actually throw up at the thought of seeing her in a bikini, let alone having sex with her.

Does your story feature such a character? Who is a great companion, but not something they want to have sex with?

How do I write about sex, intimacy or relationships if I have never experienced intimacy with anyone, had a relationship and my only sexual experience involved sex with sex workers on a handful of occasions?

I mean...how to answer this?

Sex....moving parts stuff, its pretty easy. Tab A in Slot B kind of stuff. I am sure any can do it.

Intimacy and relationships.... I don't know a magic piece of advice that would work for just anyone....So...I will share what I have instead.


In my own story, I don't have many actual 'sex' scenes. And those that are on screen tend to get started enough to show its happening and fade away before I get to moving parts (its not erotica). But a lot is inferred. In one scene, the male character says 'I am not gentle' and the female says, "I don't like gentle", and then he's pulling her by the hair. The rest is unseen, but you kind of know they were a little rough.

Another set of characters begins with an innocent enough infatuation. A younger girl has become older, and has always admired the male. They hit it off. They have many scenes together that builds their relationship before they ever get intimate. A lot of their intimacy is in the scenes that is building their relationship. There is mutual desire, mutual respect for, and loving feelings. There is also a lot of hinting and teasing that goes on, so that when it happens, the reader can be like....bout time.

A third set of characters are on an adventure together, he is very attentive to her, and she opens up to him. By the end of the story, they are lovers.

And then a fourth character has had bad experiences with men and with sex, is not looking, and has no expectation of being loved. But over the course of many books, she grows and changes and becomes more accepting. In the end, she finds love where she never thought she would, and it has been there all along.


All of the characters that have these relationships, have a lot of story behind them. They spend scenes and scenes and scenes showing, growing and acquiring their relationships with the others. There are many intimate moments, and almost none have them taking their clothes off.

And when they do come together, the scenes brings into it all that has been building throughout the story.

The intimacy comes from the desire and caring for each other. The relationship comes from a lot of that over a long period of time.

The actual sex scenes, yeah, there is some nudity, but so much more in inferred because the characters are understood. They are not just moving parts, but people who actually have connection to the people they are with, and genuinely want to be in that role with them, both for the good and the bad. There is not so much objectifying, but more just spending their lives with those they have come to trust to spend them with, and even hurting when there is difficulty, or they are not around.

So, I think some of the things that matter are building over time, showing genuine interest, respect and trust, having lust and having it returned (maybe a little objectifying , and remaining faithful to what they have (give or take human frailties).

But for me personally, I mean...I have had several relationships. And have seen them start, grow, and sad for me, end. So, I can relate the feelings, and try to capture it on page. While I am sorry you have not had those experiences, you're gonna have to pretend, and do the best you can. Follow the motions that others use, and hope it does not show that it was mimicking and not showing something true.

 

[pmmg]

Sorry, top question withdrawn...only the site wont let me edit it out.

I spent a decade delivering pizza for a shop where several of the female staff were promiscuous - to put it mildly. Among other things, they thought business would skyrocket if the waitstaff 'went topless.' They continually drifted from one affair to another, with corresponding emotional meltdowns. And, yes, they went into obscene detail on the spicy stuff. I draw upon the memories of those times for the racier stuff.

Just gonna say, I delivered a lot of pizza's in my day, and this never happened around me....

 

[ThinkerX]

Sorry, top question withdrawn...only the site wont let me edit it out.


Just gonna say, I delivered a lot of pizza's in my day, and this never happened around me....

They talked a lot and got pregnant several times during my time. I did see repeated public displays of affection - the one (short) gal climbing her (tall) BF sticks in mind, as does the commentary that ensued when I delivered a pizza to a hotel room wearing little more than racy underwear and two gents in shorts. ('New hooker in town. We'll keep an eye out for her.') But nudity/sex in the shop - no.

 

[pmmg]

I can count the number of times someone showed up at the door in their underwear, or less, at zero. I did have someone point a gun at me once though, but...that's not on topic so...

 

[ThinkerX]

I can count the number of times someone showed up at the door in their underwear, or less, at zero. I did have someone point a gun at me once though, but...that's not on topic so...

It happened a few times with me. Strangely, most of those times were during the winter. One rather attractive gal answered the door in a towel, which came most of the way undone...but she caught it in time.

Then there are the adventures of my lovely young daughter. Her first job was at a fast-food joint staffed by the 'special' people. Being more dedicated than special, she attracted attention, resulting in an interview of sorts -

SP - 'Do you smoke weed?'

D - 'No.'

SP - 'Do you sleep around?'

D - 'No.'

SP - 'Then why are you working here?'

Later, she put in some time at Home Depot. I stopped by one day after work to pick up some tools and chatted with her for a moment. I idly noticed she was talking with another attractive young lady (they were both on counter detail.) Afterward, I hiked over to the grocery store where I spotted chocolate-dipped strawberries on sale. I bought a pack for myself and another for her and then went back to HD and gave her the strawberries. I told her to share with her friend. She called later and explained the other young lady was not her friend, but a hooker masquerading as a HD employee.

Then there were her sister's adventures in internet dating, but I'll pass on those (one involved a flying cell phone.)