Writing about sex, intimacy and relationships

[A. E. Lowan]

If truth be told I never thought about it in that way but I can see why the story would come across that way. I largely saw it as a hero's journey adventure story.

I don't see why you couldn't do both. Hero's Journeys are often all about self-discovery, while adventure is happening left, right, and center. It gives depth and complexity to the character, can go a long way to explaining the initial Refusal of the Call, and can support the evidence of her transformation into someone to be reconned with.

 

[Miles Lacey]

It's been a crazy week so I haven't had time to write anything on this thread. Hero's journey and heroine discovering herself combined has always been a popular theme. I've always liked tough female characters so that fits in well with what I am aiming for.

 

[The Dark One]

I've already linked my Excellent Bonking scenes article a thousand times so I won't bother again, unless by popular acclaim...

Already been plenty of good advice in this thread so I'll just add what I say about every scene ever... put yourself in the scene. Immerse yourself in every sensory detail then just describe that.

Smell is always important in sex scenes.

Also, never forget that readers bring their own experience of sex (or their fantasies) to the table and will fill the gaps in your narrative with their own details. Tap into that and you'll kill it every time.

 

[JBCrowson]

I've already linked my Excellent Bonking scenes article a thousand times so I won't bother again, unless by popular acclaim...

Already been plenty of good advice in this thread so I'll just add what I say about every scene ever... put yourself in the scene. Immerse yourself in every sensory detail then just describe that.

Smell is always important in sex scenes.

Also, never forget that readers bring their own experience of sex (or their fantasies) to the table and will fill the gaps in your narrative with their own details. Tap into that and you'll kill it every time.

I agree with the idea that people bring a lot to the table (literally as well as figuratively ), both lived and wished, when it comes to sex scenes. With that in mind I have tended to hint and allude at what's gone on / going on to give space for people to create it their way in their mind's eye.

The other thing I'd add is I would vary the level of detail depending on the VP character for the scene - if the VP is a shy, very private person, it will be described differently than the same acts being witnessed from the VP of a sex worker. A noble exercising their droit de seigneur is going to experience it differently to the poor sod they're doing it with/to. If your character moves from being uncomfortable with sex to becoming much more open about it then the descriptions of sex scenes from their viewpoint can shift as well. That would reinforce the idea that they were developing as a person.

 

[Michael K. Eidson]

I wrote this thread because of a very unusual problem which has been the main reason why my work in progress has grind to a halt (aside from a technological issue a few weeks back).

How do I write about sex, intimacy or relationships if I have never experienced intimacy with anyone, had a relationship and my only sexual experience involved sex with sex workers on a handful of occasions?

It wouldn't be such an issue if I was a teenager or in my early 20s but I'm turning 55 years old this year!

Somehow I doubt readers would want to read about an eighteen year old female character who is on a quest with a group of companions who find her a great person to be around but who also find her so physically repulsive they actually throw up at the thought of seeing her in a bikini, let alone having sex with her.

For sex scenes, read the same books as your target audience to understand the kinds of scenes they expect, and write those kinds of scenes for your characters. If your target audience isn't expecting an erotic story, you can add some steamy scenes if you want, but then you run the risk of making some of your readers uncomfortable and would be better off writing fade-to-black scenes.

For relationships, the more a person likes another person or feels a responsibility towards them, the more thought or attention they'll give them, and the more concern they'll have for their well-being. The more thought and attention two people give each other, the stronger their relationship will be in the mind of a reader. It might be more complicated than that in real life, but it works in a story.

Intimacy can refer to sex, but other forms of intimacy come when a two-way relationship has advanced far enough that two people can give each other the kind of attention that might make them uncomfortable if their relationship weren't that strong. Touching, holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, kissing, conversing in whispers, and lying next to each other are examples of intimate behavior--or the pretense of intimacy.

Basically, the more you want your readers to believe there's a relationship--positive or negative--between two characters, the more thought and/or attention those two characters should give each other in the story. If two characters continually ignore each other with not even a thought about the other, then your readers aren't likely to buy into any relationship between them. You could state that two people are boyfriend and girlfriend, but if they don't give each other any attention or show any affection, your readers may think the "relationship" will be unable to endure if tested. As another example, you could say that one person is the archenemy of another person, but if there's never even a negative thought about the supposed archenemy, it's not believable.

 

[Miles Lacey]

Okay, my turn to chime in. I love writing sex. I love writing intimacy. The two are not the same, and it is not required to have both at the same time. It's complicated, and in the spaces between is where we do the dance of relationships.

If you can write violence, you can write sex. They're two sides of the same coin, they use much the same sort of language and much the same sort of interactions. Both should engage all the senses, and in Fantasy that can include senses beyond the traditional five. You don't have to have gone steel to steel with someone to imagine how it feels, and you don't have to have had intimacy, or even just fornication, to imagine how you should portray it. There is an entire Library of Alexandria out there on the subject, because all of us wrestle with it. I'm turning 49 for the second time in September. I've been with my wife for 34 years and counting, much to my awe and delight. And I during all this time I've had free license to roam and have had a lot of lovers, male and female. I've never gotten the hang of monogamy. I've also worked in adult entertainment managing strippers, who are the bravest, craziest, most underappreciated people I've ever met. Both girls and guys. And so I can tell you, with utter authority, that sex and intimacy are wonderful to have together, but not needed.

So, I'm going to pick through my own collection from our cyber library of lust and hopefully give you some sources that can help. But, when it comes down to it, intimacy is about letting down our guards, letting ourselves be touched both physically and mentally, and feeling safe with another person or persons. I know my wife's scent better than my own. I know the places she likes to be petted and how soft she is, and warm, and her laugh, and her favorite foods, and I care enough to not only know and remember, but to also provide when I see a need.

I'm not even talking about sex, yet.

Intimacy gives us the difference between love and like. Love is involuntary. It's the gods descending to whap you in particular with the twitterpating whiffle bat. You have no choice. You're in love. And it is all-consuming. It's the fire that burns down the world, and we can't stop dancing in it. It's what legends are made of. The biggest genre in publishing is entirely devoted to the idea that love conquers all.

Like, though, like isn't lesser. Like is a choice. You can love someone, but not like them very much. You can feel like you're addicted to their touch, but you're reluctant to open up to them. Like is what bridges that gap. I not only love my wife, I like her a whole hell of a lot. She's my favorite distraction, my bestest friend, the one who makes me laugh every single day and that is precious to me. But I have a choice. I'm not consumed with like. I make a choice every day, and so do many who are in love. Not all, 50% divorce rate and all, but enough to keep the world spinning for one more day.

Okay, enough prattling. Reading time. These are sources that I hope will prove helpful and more entry level than most. I'm trying to not get too esoteric here, but if I am please let me know and I'll dive back in for more.

These tip sheets prove very helpful to me for just keeping all the senses in mind as I write and provide some nice inspiration.
Checklists and Tip Sheets | One Stop For Writers

This is a nice little tasting menu of relationship tropes.
25 Types of Romantic Relationships-Which do you use/enjoy the most?

When in doubt, The Mary Sue delivers.
Smart Tropes in Sexy Books: Good Tropes in Romance Novels | The Mary Sue

I like Lithub. Good sex positive read from a female perspective.
https://lithub.com/why-sex-scenes-are-not-only-feminist-but-necessary/?fbclid=IwAR3AeyUoORv2iRN00G01IJNHcPTraij7-JmxSxXxnzT8f8JMCzf50ZcSvEE

And a nice little primer from an awesome lady.
How To Write About Sex Without Being Boring

And last, a little bit about intimacy.
11 Of The Best Ways To Build Intimacy Without Sex

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I hope this helps!

Now that I have had a chance to read the links I found the 25 types of romantic relationships very useful, recoiled at the mere thought of the Mary Sue/romance novel tropes, thoroughly agreed with Lithub about how often sex is portrayed in a negative light in fiction but disagreed with the writer about other aspects of women and sex as it seems to be based on the situation in the USA and I don't live in the northern hemisphere, and the 11 ways to build intimacy without sex gave me some good ideas. I hate checklists but I will definitely click on a few of those options. I liked the infusion of reality in the link about writing about sex without being boring. All in all, some excellent links. Thanks for sharing them.