Writing characters that are awkward about sex (or romance in general)

[Naruzeldamaster]

I think I have mentioned a few times around here in various threads that I don't 'do' sex scenes in my stories. I do see the appeal, I understand that they're a tool, I understand their purpose. But Personally unless it's relevant to the plot (har de har) I tend to leave them out. That said, it does make it a bit hard to write characters engaging in romance.

I have a couple of characters who are completely awkward about romance in some goofy ways, both of them female.

The first one is a flirt, bursting with hormones and confidence until someone decides to flirt BACK, her brain just can't parse it. (I will not say she's really 'horny' but she is a mega flirt) I think she can be entertaining/cute but I don't know how far I can take the joke before it gets annoying.

The Second one is another female, who's terrified of any romantic engagement, simply due to the men of her species being both an uncommon experience and an overwhelming presence when they do appear. She is very inept at pretty much anything romantic and to pretty comedic levels at that.

 

[pmmg]

Why is this a problem for your story? Many stories have flirty characters and no hanky-panky. Some stories have it be completely implied. Fade to black, but no vivid descriptions. You must know all this, so what is the issue you are having with it? I am sure it is curable.

 

[Naruzeldamaster]

Why is this a problem for your story? Many stories have flirty characters and no hanky-panky. Some stories have it be completely implied. Fade to black, but no vivid descriptions. You must know all this, so what is the issue you are having with it? I am sure it is curable.

It's not so much a problem for the story, or me personally, since both characters are fun to write. I'm more wondering how far I can take the gags (especially the second one, her reactions to even the slightest bit of lewdness are very comically overreacting) without their gimmicks becoming overbearing.

Both gags feel fun to write, personally, but as I'm writing them the thought does occur to me that it might annoy the reader if it happens too terribly often. Last thing I want is for these features of these characters to be their 'defining' trait if that makes sense.

 

[pmmg]

Heck, Inuyasha did it for 12 seasons..Worked for them.

But...I can see how this effort to show the character as each instance might slow the story down, and as I often say, give the story what it needs, and not what it doesn't. If what you are depicting is hurting the story then it has to be toned down a bit. You got other characters too, they need to have time on screen to.

Maybe not have them hit the extreme everytime something comes up. If the readers are enjoying the characters, then maybe they dont mind the shenanigans so much.

If you've pretty much put the character on a switch...see this, behave thus...you gonna have to break the switch or just not have her around when stuff has to happen.

I'd have to have read some of your fiction myself to have anyway to know what flies and what doesn't.

 

[SamazonE]

In school I had a sex scene between two cats, and then I whited it out because I was embarrassed. There was no reason to tell anyone about it, so I didn’t. The truth became a rumour, and it exacerbated to the point that I ended up crying.

The moral of the story is maybe you can have so much of a bad thing.

When I think about it these days, I don’t question it, it is not important, I am no good at sex scenes. There is the point at which I think, okay, they are getting too close, better include some violence. I read map fantasy, which is when there are countries, WWW, and in the end nobody makes it out. There is no room for anything but romantic desperation, so I don’t include it.

I have thought about the serious side of it. Like betrothals to fat, wealthy men, abductions, intrigue... In the end, there was seduction maybe, but no romantic interlude or offspring, so maybe I don’t get lucky.

 

[Gurkhal]

I'm not entirely sure what we're to discuss here but personally I don't include romance or such on the page. Its either happens off-stage, is in the story's background or something like that. I don't think you need it. It won't hurt if its included but I wouldn't worry about having it or not.

Just write the story.

 

[SamazonE]

Plenty of fish in the sea. I have read paranormal romances, beating around the bush. I cannot however relate. There are plenty of fish in the sea, relates to purity, I assume. I have read scenes about doctors performing experiments, occultist performing rituals, but is it true they were sexualised?

There are also the occultists who got it wrong. There are the farmers, bonfires, butcherings. These may be the arousal I am looking for. They could romp in the barn, romp in the chapel, romp in the morgue, I wouldn’t mind, they have romped.

 

[pmmg]

But Personally unless it's relevant to the plot (har de har) I tend to leave them out. That said, it does make it a bit hard to write characters engaging in romance.

Re-visiting this, perhaps this is your problem. Sometimes they are important to the plot. You are just not writing stories that lend themselves to it. But sec an be powerful force showing the culmination of a loving couple who struggled too long apart, or it can be the horrible act that launched a character into a world of recklessness and violence. It could be used to express the longing one has for another, and why they might be willing to take some risks on behalf of their well being and safety. can play a very strong role in a story, every bit as much as heated battles or overcoming that last hurdle to gain some power. It's no secret that writing a sex scene is not much different than writing a scene of combat. Both can give a story action, suspense, intrigue, draw a reader in because it is what they have been rooting for so many pages, or that they are concerned about the characters ability to grow. Sex is some powerful stuff. It should not be discarded lightly.

 

[pmmg]

Plenty of fish in the sea. I have read paranormal romances, beating around the bush. I cannot however relate. There are plenty of fish in the sea, relates to purity, I assume. I have read scenes about doctors performing experiments, occultist performing rituals, but is it true they were sexualised?

There are also the occultists who got it wrong. There are the farmers, bonfires, butcherings. These may be the arousal I am looking for. They could romp in the barn, romp in the chapel, romp in the morgue, I wouldn’t mind, they have romped.

I am not sure what you said, but Plenty of Fish is what you say when a love did not work out and someone needs consoling, not a phrase I would expect to see in many stories, but it might be funny if it did come up.

 

[Michael Terrance]

I think I have mentioned a few times around here in various threads that I don't 'do' sex scenes in my stories. I do see the appeal, I understand that they're a tool, I understand their purpose. But Personally unless it's relevant to the plot (har de har) I tend to leave them out. That said, it does make it a bit hard to write characters engaging in romance.

I have a couple of characters who are completely awkward about romance in some goofy ways, both of them female.

The first one is a flirt, bursting with hormones and confidence until someone decides to flirt BACK, her brain just can't parse it. (I will not say she's really 'horny' but she is a mega flirt) I think she can be entertaining/cute but I don't know how far I can take the joke before it gets annoying.

The Second one is another female, who's terrified of any romantic engagement, simply due to the men of her species being both an uncommon experience and an overwhelming presence when they do appear. She is very inept at pretty much anything romantic and to pretty comedic levels at that.

Is there something specific about these characters you are looking for suggestions about? Would need more details to be helpful. The one who is a "major flirt", is she the kind of woman who interacts in a flirtatious way with any man she sees as 'masculine'? This is not uncommon, and it does not mean anything. They are often not aware that that is how they are perceived. Or, does she do it intentionally? If so, why? Is she generally trying to make the recipient of her attention feel uncomfortable? This can be a source of power. If that is the case, anyone reacting to her enthusiastically would probably put her off, since it is not the response she is looking for.
I don't know if this is of any help. As I said, to really be helpful would require more info.

 

[Prince of Spires]

It's not so much a problem for the story, or me personally, since both characters are fun to write. I'm more wondering how far I can take the gags (especially the second one, her reactions to even the slightest bit of lewdness are very comically overreacting) without their gimmicks becoming overbearing.

Both gags feel fun to write, personally, but as I'm writing them the thought does occur to me that it might annoy the reader if it happens too terribly often. Last thing I want is for these features of these characters to be their 'defining' trait if that makes sense.

It depends a bit on what role it plays in the story.

If it's simply how they talk to other characters, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. And if it gives them an unique voice, then go for it. Making characters sound distinct is hard enough. Achieving this with them being flirty is fine.

If you're doing it to show personality and / or character journey, then you might want to be careful with repetition. Repeating character beats multiple times without showing us something new about the character can start to feel like you're beating your readers over the head with it. It then feels like the character is simply stuck in place and has no depth to her.

Show us something new with the different flirting bits. Or show some character growth (or negative growth, that still counts). That keeps it fresh and interesting and gets us more invested in the characters.

 

[Josh2Write]

I think I have mentioned a few times around here in various threads that I don't 'do' sex scenes in my stories. I do see the appeal, I understand that they're a tool, I understand their purpose. But Personally unless it's relevant to the plot (har de har) I tend to leave them out. That said, it does make it a bit hard to write characters engaging in romance.

I have a couple of characters who are completely awkward about romance in some goofy ways, both of them female.

The first one is a flirt, bursting with hormones and confidence until someone decides to flirt BACK, her brain just can't parse it. (I will not say she's really 'horny' but she is a mega flirt) I think she can be entertaining/cute but I don't know how far I can take the joke before it gets annoying.

The Second one is another female, who's terrified of any romantic engagement, simply due to the men of her species being both an uncommon experience and an overwhelming presence when they do appear. She is very inept at pretty much anything romantic and to pretty comedic levels at that.

Good for you knowing the difference between romance and sex, because they are two very different things. Romance can lead to sex, yes, but not always. Nor should it. They say "sex sells", but that's not a good thing.

Romance, passion, desire, love. These aren't necessarily sex-related or intended. Nor should they be. They help people, and characters, feel things, fall in and out of things. The world's turning.

Good for you for not going the route of sex, because romance is something to be sought out. It's funny, scary, silly, sad, happy. Every emotion firing all at once, leaves you feeling lost and hopeful at the same time. Never stop writing true romance, because the world always needs more.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Good for you knowing the difference between romance and sex, because they are two very different things. Romance can lead to sex, yes, but not always. Nor should it. They say "sex sells", but that's not a good thing.s

Romance, passion, desire, love. These aren't necessarily sex-related or intended. Nor should they be. They help people, and characters, feel things, fall in and out of things. The world's turning.

Good for you for not going the route of sex, because romance is something to be sought out. It's funny, scary, silly, sad, happy. Every emotion firing all at once, leaves you feeling lost and hopeful at the same time. Never stop writing true romance, because the world always needs more.

Every time I hear "Sex is impure and nasty and against all things beautiful and good," I also here internal conflict crying for release. If sex is terrible, what is trust? Intimacy? Friendship? All the good things that can go hand-in-hand with sex.

I also hear, "Ew! Cooties!" Can't imagine why.

So, from the adult side of the discussion, I love to write sex. Most of the other authors I know also love to write sex. Sex is fun. Fun! Fun! Fun! There is nothing wrong with just saying it's not for you, but let's try to not insult it or the writers who write it and the readers who love to read it. We're not here to put anyone down because we can't wrap our heads around The Sex. We're here to be supportive of each other, to help all of us to grow our skills and craft, and to cheer each other on as we all progress through this insane career.

And I challenge anyone to prove that my team's work isn't 'true romance.' Debate me, bro.

 

[Mad Swede]

Every time I hear "Sex is impure and nasty and against all things beautiful and good," I also here internal conflict crying for release. If sex is terrible, what is trust? Intimacy? Friendship? All the good things that can go hand-in-hand with sex.

I also hear, "Ew! Cooties!" Can't imagine why.

So, from the adult side of the discussion, I love to write sex. Most of the other authors I know also love to write sex. Sex is fun. Fun! Fun! Fun! There is nothing wrong with just saying it's not for you, but let's try to not insult it or the writers who write it and the readers who love to read it. We're not here to put anyone down because we can't wrap our heads around The Sex. We're here to be supportive of each other, to help all of us to grow our skills and craft, and to cheer each other on as we all progress through this insane career.

And I challenge anyone to prove that my team's work isn't 'true romance.' Debate me, bro.

I'm not even going to suggest that your work isn't "true romance".

Yes, I enjoy sex a lot. With the right woman. For me, sex is more than just an act, it's about caring, it's about intimacy, it's about trust and it's about affection and love. That means that I find it hard to write a sex scene in a way which is remotely readable in terms of being good prose. I choke up and I just can't do it well. So I don't try to do so in my books, instead I use a fade to black.

What I do put in my books is the lead up to sex, because for me that is where I can convey the feelings between the characters. That helps fill out the characters by showing their feelings, motives and personalities. It builds and develops their characterisation.

As for using a fade to black, I find that my readers are more than able to use their own imaginations. One (female) readers e-mail was particularly detailed...

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I'm not even going to suggest that your work isn't "true romance".

Yes, I enjoy sex a lot. With the right woman. For me, sex is more than just an act, it's about caring, it's about intimacy, it's about trust and it's about affection and love. That means that I find it hard to write a sex scene in a way which is remotely readable in terms of being good prose. I choke up and I just can't do it well. So I don't try to do so in my books, instead I use a fade to black.

What I do put in my books is the lead up to sex, because for me that is where I can convey the feelings between the characters. That helps fill out the characters by showing their feelings, motives and personalities. It builds and develops their characterisation.

As for using a fade to black, I find that my readers are more than able to use their own imaginations. One (female) readers e-mail was particularly detailed...

I have a rating system that helps me figure out what language I need.

1) Sarah McLaughlin - Romance and beauty and language so florid and metaphorical it may barf flowers. Can get spicy in the right circumstances.
2) Bon Jovi - We're not making love most of the time these guys play. This is rock and roll. This is hair bands and cocaine. Rock and roll and fights use the same language.
3) Nine Inch Nails - Should have seen this one coming... or not, really depends on the needs of the scene. We left rock and roll behind in the early 2000's, but this guy looks like he may not take no for an answer. So very motorcycle club. Precious little windup, but one hell of a show. Singer, too? Maybe. Cute? Hell yes. Walks like he owns the place, like all and sundry should bow. But then, he hasn't met us, yet.

 

[Josh2Write]

Every time I hear "Sex is impure and nasty and against all things beautiful and good," I also here internal conflict crying for release. If sex is terrible, what is trust? Intimacy? Friendship? All the good things that can go hand-in-hand with sex.

I also hear, "Ew! Cooties!" Can't imagine why.

So, from the adult side of the discussion, I love to write sex. Most of the other authors I know also love to write sex. Sex is fun. Fun! Fun! Fun! There is nothing wrong with just saying it's not for you, but let's try to not insult it or the writers who write it and the readers who love to read it. We're not here to put anyone down because we can't wrap our heads around The Sex. We're here to be supportive of each other, to help all of us to grow our skills and craft, and to cheer each other on as we all progress through this insane career.

And I challenge anyone to prove that my team's work isn't 'true romance.' Debate me, bro.

I didn't say sex was impure. I said good on em for seeking romance instead. And you can have trust, intimacy, and friendship without sex. Humor without sex. Sex is not something to strive for as a writer. The story is. Sex should only happen if it adds something to the story, not just put in for the heck of it so creeps can feel more dirty.

Your response is a perfect example of why sex just for sex in book form is bad. And your team is clearly lust-based. And THAT is what makes it impure.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I didn't say sex was impure. I said good on em for seeking romance instead. And you can have trust, intimacy, and friendship without sex. Humor without sex. Sex is not something to strive for as a writer. The story is. Sex should only happen if it adds something to the story, not just put in for the heck of it so creeps can feel more dirty.

Your response is a perfect example of why sex just for sex in book form is bad. And your team is clearly lust-based. And THAT is what makes it impure.

I need this on a t-shirt like I need air.

 

[Josh2Write]

I have a rating system that helps me figure out what language I need.

1) Sarah McLaughlin - Romance and beauty and language so florid and metaphorical it may barf flowers. Can get spicy in the right circumstances.
2) Bon Jovi - We're not making love most of the time these guys play. This is rock and roll. This is hair bands and cocaine. Rock and roll and fights use the same language.
3) Nine Inch Nails - Should have seen this one coming... or not, really depends on the needs of the scene. We left rock and roll behind in the early 2000's, but this guy looks like he may not take no for an answer. So very motorcycle club. Precious little windup, but one hell of a show. Singer, too? Maybe. Cute? Hell yes. Walks like he owns the place, like all and sundry should bow. But then, he hasn't met us, yet.

I need this on a t-shirt like I need air.

You mock, but it only proves my point. You say I'm negative and childish, but this is literally you being a child. Thanks for stepping up and proving me right.

 

[Mad Swede]

I didn't say sex was impure. I said good on em for seeking romance instead. And you can have trust, intimacy, and friendship without sex. Humor without sex. Sex is not something to strive for as a writer. The story is. Sex should only happen if it adds something to the story, not just put in for the heck of it so creeps can feel more dirty.

Your response is a perfect example of why sex just for sex in book form is bad. And your team is clearly lust-based. And THAT is what makes it impure.

You know Josh2Write, there are times when you really do need to take three steps back and a few deep breaths before replying.

Nowhere has A. E. Lowan said that the sex in their books is just for sex. It isn't - and I know that because I've read their books. What she did say was that she enjoys writing sex. That's a different thing entirely.

 

[Josh2Write]

You know Josh2Write, there are times when you really do need to take three steps back and a few deep breaths before replying.

Nowhere has A. E. Lowan said that the sex in their books is just for sex. It isn't - and I know that because I've read their books. What she did say was that she enjoys writing sex. That's a different thing entirely.

You know Josh2Write, there are times when you really do need to take three steps back and a few deep breaths before replying.

Nowhere has A. E. Lowan said that the sex in their books is just for sex. It isn't - and I know that because I've read their books. What she did say was that she enjoys writing sex. That's a different thing entirely.

So I have to step back and watch everything I say treading lightly so I won't have to be continually put in my place, but you can all run your mouths saying whatever you want? Doesn't sound very inclusive, does it? Sounds more like...hypocrisy.

I simply commented on someone talking about romance over sex. Lowen jumped in with their love of writing sex. I commented back and was met with mockery. Doesn't make me wrong.

This sure is a really f*** toxic place, huh. No wonder no one from outside stays around.