Writing subtle expressions of jealousy

[buyjupiter]

I have a story idea that's still in the nebulous stages of figuring out character interactions and how to express certain emotions, but I do want to explore how people express and deal with jealousy within their relationships and that will be the main theme of the story. Being an over-communicator and open and honest with my feelings in romantic partnerships does tend to kill a lot of jealousy, so I'm completely at a loss of how to effectively write more nuanced representations of the emotion.

I don't know what it's really like to experience the green eyed monster (don't worry, I won't use that expression in the story!). I don't know what drives the behavior beyond feelings of inadequacy, maybe. I've felt jealous twice in my life and both times I was surprised as that's not something I normally feel. Once I realized that I'd felt jealous, both times I was able to communicate to the other person what the real issue was and that was then dealt with.

I've felt professionally envious of people before and I've admitted to those feelings and dealt with them. However, I don't feel that kind of feeling translates well to more emotional and romantic relationships.

TL;DR: How do you convincingly write about jealousy, if you've not really experienced a full on raging bout of the stuff? How have you seen it come out in other people's relationships? Does it come out into the open, or is it hidden, passive-aggressive behaviors that come out? How have you seen other people handle being jealous and dealing with romantic partners who are being jealous?

 

[Roan Davidson]

Would it help to make your questions more about a particular character, instead of about examples of jealousy? I mean, would this particular character of yours be passive-aggressive about his jealousy, or would he fly into a jealous rage? (The answer might be related to how he deals with anger and other stuff.)

And what would make him jealous to begin with? If it's romantic jealousy, is it rooted in insecurity? Does he only see the worst of himself? Maybe he can't believe his partner is really into him. Or is it all about possessiveness? Like he sees his partner as something he owns and should be able to control? Or maybe he's naïve. He thought he was in a monogamous relationship and his world goes off-kilter when he finds out, uh, not so much.

As a reader, I can buy jealousy coming out in all sorts of ways, as long as it seems consistent with the individual character.

 

[Penpilot]

I think you can play off your experiences with professional jealousy. They're two sides of the same coin. It's you wanting something that another person has. Instead of a job or title it's affections.

As for how a person would act, it depends on the person and their personality. An aggressive person may try to steal those affections away by forcing themselves into the object of their affection's life. A passive person may just stew about it. A person falling into the middle of that spectrum, who knows. They would probably do things depending on other elements in their lives that put pressure on them in one way or another. Some may handle jealousy well, like yourself, or others may just go a little nuts and do something stupid, like a loud and very public declaration of love.

How a person deals with a jealous partner, again, depends on the person. They may be dismissive. They may be sympathetic or apathetic. The may even enjoy it a bit.

IMHO, I don't think there is a standard reaction to being jealous.

As a small side note, as I was writing this post, the memory of this image popped into my head.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

How do you convincingly write about jealousy, if you've not really experienced a full on raging bout of the stuff?

I've never experienced murderous rage either, but I can write about it. I do know what anger feels like though...so I enhance that feeling to the max.

Still, you don't have to experience a feeling often to know what it is.... All feelings share some common psychosomatic manifestations. Think about despair...not sadness, but gut wrenching sadness. That feeling shares a lot of commonality with the feelings associated with jealousy...the same is true with anger. They all bleed together.

If you're interested, there's a plethora of psychological research on the similarities between our emotions and how they affect us physically & mentally.

How have you seen it come out in other people's relationships?

Yes, all the time. Jealousy is common in immature or unstable relationships. Some people even prefer to engage in jealous relationships. It gives them a feeling of being desired.

Does it come out into the open, or is it hidden, passive-aggressive behaviors that come out?

All of the above.

How have you seen other people handle being jealous and dealing with romantic partners who are being jealous?

Well some people talk about their feelings. The important thing there is for each partner to understand they are feelings. Logic doesn't have to be attached to them. Sometimes people can't help but feel the way they do. Still, we can learn why we feel that way.

Some people lash out in unhealthy ways....drinking, sexual cheating, violence, with all manners of rationalization for their actions. For the most part, jealousy stems from insecurity. If those perceived inadequacies cannot be dealt with they can be destructive.

 

[buyjupiter]

Would it help to make your questions more about a particular character, instead of about examples of jealousy? I mean, would this particular character of yours be passive-aggressive about his jealousy, or would he fly into a jealous rage? (The answer might be related to how he deals with anger and other stuff.)

And what would make him jealous to begin with? If it's romantic jealousy, is it rooted in insecurity? Does he only see the worst of himself? Maybe he can't believe his partner is really into him. Or is it all about possessiveness? Like he sees his partner as something he owns and should be able to control? Or maybe he's naïve. He thought he was in a monogamous relationship and his world goes off-kilter when he finds out, uh, not so much.

As a reader, I can buy jealousy coming out in all sorts of ways, as long as it seems consistent with the individual character.

For making it about character questions, the underlying thing with my guy lead is that he doesn't see jealousy as a problem he sees it as a sign he cares about her, but my gal lead doesn't like the behavior. He's far angrier about the fact that she sees his behavior as a problem and he doesn't want to do any self-examination at all, which leads me down the road of its a possessive thing not an insecurity thing. He does love her and he's at the very least willing to work on the issue with her...which is where the subtler aspects of portraying jealousy come into play. It isn't an immediate transformation from fighting about the issue to peaceful resolution, there are a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. I don't know that he'll ever totally get over his issue with it. I'll have to see how that all shakes out in the ending.

The gal lead will also have her own issues with jealousy to overcome, so it's not just all about him...it's just her reactions are a little bit easier to write than his.

 

[buyjupiter]

How a person deals with a jealous partner, again, depends on the person. They may be dismissive. They may be sympathetic or apathetic. The may even enjoy it a bit.

IMHO, I don't think there is a standard reaction to being jealous.

Just when I think I can wrap my head around understanding what causes jealousy, you come up with something I hadn't thought about as in the partner enjoys having a jealous partner...and maybe encourages that behavior--somehow. Ugh. That would be drama central, right there.

And your second point in the quote ^, is why I asked in the first place. Some things I can extrapolate from my own experiences, if I've had enough of them, like feeling super excited about something/someone. Other things, like murderous rage or jealousy...not so much. I can understand how they happen, what the chain of events were, but the internal dialogue stumps me because it's very much outside of my worldview.

It took me a lot of work to learn how to disentangle emotions from events happening around me and to realize that only I have control over the way I react. I learned fairly early on to kibosh being envious of other people, as I had several chats with teachers about how comparing me to some other person does no one any good, as there are always going to be people better than me at something...I think they were trying to get me to see how trying to be perfect isn't a great life goal, but I took away the lesson of don't envy people. I'm still working on the perfectionism thing.

 

[buyjupiter]

I've never experienced murderous rage either, but I can write about it. I do know what anger feels like though...so I enhance that feeling to the max.

Still, you don't have to experience a feeling often to know what it is.... All feelings share some common psychosomatic manifestations. Think about despair...not sadness, but gut wrenching sadness. That feeling shares a lot of commonality with the feelings associated with jealousy...the same is true with anger. They all bleed together.

...
Some people lash out in unhealthy ways....drinking, sexual cheating, violence, with all manners of rationalization for their actions. For the most part, jealousy stems from insecurity. If those perceived inadequacies cannot be dealt with they can be destructive.

Yeah, I suppose what I can do for some of his expressions of jealousy is play on the anger bit more, as that's something that's easily doable; and for her I can play up the sadness to her expressions.

That last point is actually really helpful, as ways of dealing with any strong, shameful emotion. Don't like losing your temper at the wife--have a six pack. Don't like the husband working long hours all of a sudden--have an affair. All of those can stem out of the loss, somewhere along the way, of communication--or being in a relationship where communication is never properly established. And I think that communication is going to play a large part of whatever I do with the emotional bits, the loss of it, the way two people can't see from each other's viewpoint because they're so entrenched in their own way of thinking about things...

 

[wordwalker]

Interesting: this thread really is mostly about jealousy, and only sometimes wanders into envy.

That is, we're talking about people already in relationships and paranoid about losing them. (Or losing money or fame, or those tribes that "jealously guard their ancient secrets.") Envy is the "wall-flower's pain" of wanting what you don't have-- or not openly wanting it but resenting people who do.

You could call it nit-picking, since most people (even Shakespeare) don't make the difference, and since the one can blend into the other: should you call it a "Jealous Outburst" if you've only Shared A Moment with the girl in question but aren't dating her?

--Actually, in that case I'd say it is true jealousy, and I think the distinction's worth making. Jealousy might build on a very weak claim on something, but it's still a specific pang, the kind that tends to be strong and focused. (The rom-coms have a point, it might be the most visible sign you care about something.) Envy is less specific, not really holding out for that girl or that job but still resenting the person or the system that always seems to get them instead.

Think about it; we've all been there. Jealousy's sharp and sometimes overpowering, because it undermines what you thought already had. Envy's slower, more corrosive, and has the nasty habit that it can make you start to hate someone without them even knowing you had any interest in what they have; it just has to seem unfair to you. That makes envy unique.

This thread has been mostly about proper jealous (except maybe that marvelous "supervillain" picture of Penpilot's), but as writers we ought to make full use of the difference.