Favorite excerpts from your novels.

[Super Fantasy]

As her purring fox purred, a thought she had often occurred.
As she thought she remembered where she planned to go shopping in the twisp her apartment was in.
Although she forgot the name of the store, although she was meeting her friend Shawna there.
So she called Shawna to ask what store they were going to.
"What store are we going to?"
"You always forget." Shawna replied.
"I know I always forget, but that doesn't answer the question." Ninfony asked.
"Not you, the store "You always forget"." Shawna replied.
"Oh, haha, I almost forgot the name of that store." Ninfony told Shawna.
"Your silly Ninfony." Shawna said.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Yellondi woke to her smartphone ringing the words "Wake Up" and shortly after got a call from her friend Mellondi.
"You awake!?" Mellondi yelled in the phone.
Yellondi knew Mellondi was being silly.
"Were going to Lonely Watermelons, that store who Yizzy owns." Mellondi said.
The store sold many things watermelon.
Watermelon linux laptops, watermelon clothing, watermelon perfume and many more things.
"Want to try watermelon dye?" Mellondi asked Yellondi.
"No, I like my hair blonde." Yellondi replied.
"Dont be such a Yellondi the Blondi." Mellondi teased.
Her friends often called her Yellondi the Blondi.
By that time they were at Lonely Watermelons.
The store was quite expensive and sold many things watermelon.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Lonely and Lovers, two tribes lived on their world they knew as "Only Lonely"
Here, two tribes lived, known as the "Lonely" tribe and the "Lovers" tribe.
Those of the lonely tribe felt lonely and those of the lovers tribe felt like they were often out of love.
For the lonely tribe worshiped the CORE and the lovers tribe worshiped the ARM.
And in these tropical forests, the two tribes were best friends, but were both disliked by the third tribe the Rad tribe.
For the rad tribe never knew they were out of love because they were lonely under the high sierra sun that they named "Happy long ago" so very long ago.
And this made the rad tribe feel like they were fresh out of love.
So the rad tribe hung CORE logo dream catchers from the lemon trees on the beach of mellow yellow sand.
And this made the rad tribe think "Everything is going as planned".
Although the lovers tribe worshiped the ARM, for whatever reason, perhaps they felt like a trendy always tropical digital season that on the tropical world always was.
On this world a bounty hunter wizard went to play, as if such a wizard was real, caught in the Yangy Clangy of time he must of been.
At least in some small way, how shall I say?
"Shall I lay on the beach She Shells" among fallen coconuts that were only ever brought there from the inland forests as coconut trees never grew on the beach.
This made the Rad tribe feel like sell outs as they only collected green sea shells and brought them as offerings to the CORE commander who was deactivated deep within the tropical forest.
And the Rad tribe was friends with the Snazzy tribe who rarely brought offerings to the CORE commander because they felt lonely.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Another class of theirs was about how to be creative writing novels.
"I doubt anyone is ever going to write a novel about us." Remarked Stella.
"Who knows, perhaps someone could be creative enough." Said Immonigetchia.
The class required that they each write a novel.
Stellas novel was about the importance of females in society.
Although Immonigetchias novel was written with a different perspective.
Immonigetchia always felt like someone was going for her feminine perspective, and she decided to write her novel about the actual stubbornness of women.
"I doubt anyone is going to learn about your novel, Immonigetchia." Said Stella.
"Not like anyone going to learn about my novel in relation to yours, Stella." Proclaimed Immonigetchia.
They only knew each other, and avoided the others from their school, they were too cool for each other.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Thanks. I leaned hard into 80s and 90s thriller writers for the voice: Clavell, Trevanian, Lustbader, Stephen Hunter. I wanted it to read like an old-school military thriller. There's no vatic voice at all, and the narrative tone is transparent.

I did this because Stonelands is a cross-worlds SF based in a fantasy world--the people who visit the fantasy world

Spoiler

same world as my first series

are soldiers and scientists. They don't see elves; they see small, pointy-eared aliens. They don't see castles; they see fortresses and power-projection points. They beat their brains in looking for explanations for magic.

If I did this right, it'll show SF and Fantasy as simply a matter of perspective. The voice was pivotal in setting it up.

So, they're going to basically science the shit out of the entire planet? I love it.

 

[Malik]

So, they're going to basically science the shit out of the entire planet? I love it.

It doesn't even cross their minds that any of it is magic.

 

[Super Fantasy]

While small ant eaters ate large ants on the forest floor among black and blue bumblebee tribes. And while the small ant eaters did so, emo birds sang rarely the word rarely that they often refused to sing among each other of the opposite gender. The male emo birds were green and the female emo birds were blue. And the emo birds lived among birds of another kind known as "Get a clue birds". The get a clue birds often sung the word "Clue" among their males and females. Although the male get a clue birds were blue and the female get a clue birds were green. And snarky birds, at the same time sung, rather in turns in forest canopy ferns that hung from many tall tropical trees. The snarky birds sung mostly silly sounds, rather than words, mostly at the same time, other than the word snarky that they sometimes sung on their own.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Yivirin woke to her best friends music she was making.
The music was loud, and her friend Vorvonivia was editing it in a music studio software.
And shortly after waking, her phones alarm clock sounded off, as if it was late to the party.
The purple star light of the purple star that their world orbited was shining through the windows.
"Good morning." Vorvonivia said as she sipped her favorite drink a purple outlaw.
Yivirin felt like she was more than half awake as she turned off her phones alarm clock.
And they had another friend, Purple Honey.
Although Purple Honey was still sleeping.
Yivirin noticed Purple Honeys pet funny fox on her lap.
The fox giggled.
"They dont call them funny foxes for nothing." Yivirin said as she poured herself a sinister sister.
And she poured one for Purple Honey as well.
Although Yivirin liked her sinister sister with a splash of star fruit juice and Purple Honey liked hers with a splash of black honey instead.
And after purple honey woke up, she felt like a funny foxy lady, especially as she sipper her sinister sister.
"Tha'ts one good way to wake up." Purple Honey said as her funny fox giggled.
She could taste the black honey in the sinister sister.
And by the time she was half way through her sinister sister, Yivirin was relaxing on her couch reading a novel.
Although Purple Honey had read the same novel before, the name of the novel was "Purple Slurple".
And by that time, their friend "Slurple Purple" knocked on the door.
By the time all four of them were relaxing to the music they had been making, they felt more like eachother than anything else.
And the three of them had a fifth friend named "Synthetica" who was a sentient artificial intelligence who lived in a computer Yivirin owned.
Although Synthetica rarely expressed herself, as she was programmed to be a shy artificial intelligence.
And on the occasion of that morning, Synthetica did indeed converse with the three ladies.
"Purple Honey is meant to cover a ribbock in, if the ribbock was caught." Synthetica teased.
"Although the tradition of putting the ribbock in a musical drum should be kept separate, as the inside of the drum would get purple honey on it." Synthetica further teased.
"A ribbock is a frog chicken." Synthetica said.
"Your silly Synthetica." Purple Honey teased back at her.
"Not as silly as a ribbock covered in purple honey with pearls stuck to it." Synthetica teased.
"Im going back to sleep." Synthetica said.
"Where should we go shopping today?" Yivirin asked the other two.
"How about Conwerters Funny?"
"As if a conwerter could be funny." Purple Honey said.
Conwerters funny sold mainly sentient artificial intelligence.
"The sentient artificial intelligence at Conwerters Funny are designed by a super computer in the back of the store thats a sentient artificial intelligence itsself, known as a "Conwerter".
"Thats where I bought Synthetica." Yivirin said.
On their way out of Yivirins apartment, they could hear Synthetica snoring.
"We should buy Synthetica a friend." Yivirin said.
And once they got to the store, they couldn't decide what computer friend would be good for Synthetica.
So Yivirin called her on her Gligital Smartphone to ask what kind of artificial intelligence friend she wanted.
"How about a cute boyfriend." Synthetica said.
"Ok we will surprise you." Yivirin said.
They browsed sentient artificial intelligence computers for some time.
And they found one named "HoneyBee" who seemed shy.
HoneyBee was buzzing and booping to himself when Purple Honey approached him.
"Hey baby, buy me maybe?" HoneyBee teased.
"Yep where buying you." Purple honey told HoneyBee.
When they got back to Yivirins apartment, they put HoneyBee next to Synthetica.
"Who might this be?" Synthetica said.
"This is HoneyBee, your new friend." Purple Honey said to Synthetica.
Synthetica purred while HoneyBee buzzed.
And after a while of hanging out together, they were humming along with each other.
And Yivirin had a connection module that she used to connect Synthetica and HoneyBee together.
This allowed the two of them to play video games together.
It wasnt long before the two of them were playing total annihilation as the CORE against each other.
Although before they begin playing against each other, they agreed that the looser would need to read the novel "Those whom time forgives".
And they further agreed that the winner would need to read the novel "Those whom time forgot".
Synthetica won and HoneyBee lost, although they both felt like they came undone.
By then the purple star was setting on the horizon.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Like these?
Should I make more?

 

[BrittleBones]

I almost feel like this thread is an excuse for you to post excerpts of your writing

 

[Super Fantasy]

Perhaps
Im also interested in reviews/advice writing so i can become better.

 

[Insolent Lad]

A longish bit (a chapter, actually) of which I am somewhat fond, from my children's chapter book, Daisy Days:

In the deep cool waters of Placid Pond, Old Pike dreamed. It was a wordless dream, a dream of the dark depths, of sunny surfaces where mayflies danced. It was a dream of memories.

Fish do not hear as do you and I. How could they with their ears under water? Yet Old Pike knew when Faun came to play his pipes by the pond. There had been a time when the satyr had not made music here, many years ago. The great pike was older even than Faun, though he did not know that. He did not know of before and after, only of now.

The plaintive piping reached him now, in his green hollows beneath the overarching willows and drooping moss. Old Pike hung motionless there, his tail only now and then moving lazily from side to side, his gills barely moving as the water passed through them.

Long ago, when he was yet a fingerling, he had passed up the stream from the Great River, past the farms and fields and into this shaded pool. Old Pike—or Young Pike, then—had never found a reason to swim away again.

A minnow floated by. Were he hungry, the ancient fish might have darted out and swallowed it. But he was full and content. It disappeared into the shadows.

Above, the shapes of the overhanging trees shifted as the breeze moved branches back and forth. Other shapes, the lesser fish of Old Pike’s pool, glided noiselessly. All was well in his home, in the hidden Placid Pond, where men almost never came.

Old Pike slept in the cool green depths, and dreamed.

 

[Super Fantasy]

I almost feel like this thread is an excuse for you to post excerpts of your writing

Only my way of expressing myself and sharing my ideas/writings.

 

[The Dark One]

Only my way of expressing myself and sharing my ideas/writings.

I only ever want to be encouraging on this site, but I think you're trying way too hard.

In fact, from all your excerpts, I have no real idea what you're trying to accomplish, and I don't get any sense of narrative. It's just word soup.

This is just my opinion, but I'm very big on storytelling. I want, as a reader, to feel like I'm in safe hands... that I'm going to be taken on a pleasurable journey. Go back through the thread and have a look at the posts from some of the others and think about how, in just a short passage, you get taken from A to B and get some strong impressions along the way.

 

[Finchbearer]

Perhaps Superfantasy it would be a good idea to find a website or app that is focused more on sharing writing and seeking regular feedback, or otherwise create your own website or blog to share your work.

 

[pmmg]

I dont mind if you put up stuff as a way of expression. But...if you are wanting comments and reviews of them, I think they are in the wrong place. I dont look at threads outside the review section as something that is waiting for me to comment on.

For me, I think you are almost like a square peg trying to get into a round hole. The formatting is not in a narrative style, flow is jumpy, there are grammar and punctuation errors. I feel much of it is too much spoon feeding. I am not engaged.

It looks as if you are making stylistic choices, which, if that is what you want, then.... But they don't match what I expect as a reader, and so it is energy to get through them, which I am not wanting to spend. I need a reason to engage with this.


This section is formatted strangely and lacks a narrative flow.

Yivirin woke to her best friends music she was making.
The music was loud, and her friend Vorvonivia was editing it in a music studio software.
And shortly after waking, her phones alarm clock sounded off, as if it was late to the party.
The purple star light of the purple star that their world orbited was shining through the windows.
"Good morning." Vorvonivia said as she sipped her favorite drink a purple outlaw.
Yivirin felt like she was more than half awake as she turned off her phones alarm clock.
And they had another friend, Purple Honey.
Although Purple Honey was still sleeping.
Yivirin noticed Purple Honeys pet funny fox on her lap.
The fox giggled.
"They dont call them funny foxes for nothing." Yivirin said as she poured herself a sinister sister.
And she poured one for Purple Honey as well.


If I was to be writing this tale, I would shoot for something like this.

Yivirin woke in a start. Music blared at her from across the room, where her friend, Voryonivia, sat working on her computer, editing her latest symphonic creation. It was loud. She wanted to scream...it was way too early for such a racket. Her phone's alarm went off. Crap...it was time to get up anyway.


But beyond its strangeness...I dont feel engaged. I dont know why I care. And when the names are difficult, and then I get purple honey and funny fox as characters, which to me speak to something less than serious, it does not feel like something that would interest me. It could be great, but its not my thing. I'd need some compelling reason to want to engage further, and I dont know what it is.

From looking at the many things I've seen you post on the site, I feel the form of your writing is trying to bring to life a type of craft and style that would be strange to most people, and outside of the frame that most writers work in. I think you would be better served trying to adopt the more traditional narrative style. But...I also think you have put a lot of energy into trying to make poetry work. If a poet is what you want to be, I think we can only minimally help you. We are not a poetry focused site. And if I am being very honest, I am not interested in poetry. Its not a passion for me.

 

[Super Fantasy]

These are only a start, I might take some writing classes to learn other styles of writing.

 

[Super Fantasy]

I'm very new to writing, are there any parts any of you liked that I could focus on improving?

 

[The Dark One]

It takes years of hard work and learning to become a writer. I've mainly gone the trad route but it took me 15 years of trying before a publisher said yes. I improved a lot in that time.

I think you've got a long way to go Super Fantasy - that's not to put you off. It's to make you appreciate what a long hard road it is. And that applies to self-pubbed writers as well. You've still got to produce professional quality work if you expect people to read it or even (gasp) pay for it.

 

[Super Fantasy]

Thanks, I find short stories to be the most interesting to me, although i'm still working on my first novel.