Funny Jokes

[Reaver]

Well, there's a lame jokes thread here, so why not have a funny one? Post all the funny jokes you know.

But before we do, I have to make something very clear:

NO OBSCENE OR OFFENSIVE JOKES OF ANY KIND WILL BE TOLERATED.
IF YOU CHOOSE TO POST SOMETHING THAT FALLS INTO THESE CATEGORIES,
YOUR POST WILL BE DELETED AND YOU WILL RECEIVE AN INFRACTION.


So whattaya say Scribes? Let's keep this cool and have some fun!



THANKS IN ADVANCE FROM YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD REAVER!





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[Steerpike]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[Butterfly]

The other day, my friend had to use the public loo, she sat down to do her business, then from the cubicle next door, she heard a 'Hello.'

So she said 'Hello'

Then she heard, 'How are you?'

To which she replied, 'I'm fine, how are you?'

Then the voice ignored her question and instead asked, 'What are you doing?'

So she said, 'ummm.... I'm having a poo...'

Then she heard, 'Sorry, I'm going to have to call you back, because some idiot next door is answering everything I say.'

 

[Steerpike]

Two fish are in a tank. One of them looks at the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

 

[Butterfly]

What's the definition of struggle?

Teeth marks on the toilet door.

 

[Steerpike]

I went to the zoo the other day and all they had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.

 

[Chime85]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[FireBird]

A man walked into a pharmacy to buy a box of condoms. It was a slow day and when he went to the pharmacist to buy them they started to talk. The man started to explain how he and his girlfriend had finally decided to sleep together that night and it was a first for both of them. The pharmacist congratulated him and gave the man advice on everything he could think of. They talked for hours before the man left.

Later that night the man arrived at his girlfriends house to have dinner with her family. He met her mother and they all sat down while her father made dinner.A short while later her father brought out the food and sat down. After they said grace and raised their heads to eat the man kept on praying. Thirty minutes passed and he kept his head down. Fourty-Five minutes passed. Finally after an hour the girlfriend leaned down and whispered in his ear, "You never told me you were so religious."

"You never told me your father was a pharmacist."