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Scene needs some help. Please and thanks in advance.

Discussion in 'Writing Discussions' started by The Blue Lotus, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. “Tiffany who was that?” Trinity called
    from the patio.

    Tiffany held the receiver in her hand her face drained
    of all color as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. “That was David, come in
    here a sec I need to talk to you.”

    Trinity got up from her lounge chair
    her bikini bottoms just barely covering her rear as she walked. “Hey what’s
    wrong?” Trinity took note of her friend's pallor.

    Tiffany hung up the phone and took a seat at the bar. “Greeta’s dead.” she paused to collect
    herself. “There was an attack, and a fire broke out. She never stood a chance.”
    She started sobbing. Sadness washed over her in great crashing waves. Trinity
    wrapped her arms around her allowing her to cry as she thought.

    Greeta was dead, an attack and a fire. Just like in her dream, but how was that
    possible? There had to be some type of mistake, things like that don’t happen.
    Not in real life and most certainly not to me. She continued her nonverbal
    disbelief of what was happening even as Tiffany sobbed in her arms.

    "Can you drive me to David’s please?" Tiffany sniffled

    "Yeah sure, grab your purse, let me put on some clothes. Two minuets OK."

    "Tiffany blew her nose on a Kleenex. That's fine. Thank you Trin."

    "Don’t even think about it Tiff, I’m here for you. Anything I can do just let me know ok."

    Trinity said as she hurried off to Tiffany’s room and pulled her jeans and tee shirt
    over her swim suit. She grabbed her car keys and purse off the dresser and pulled on
    her shoes as she stumbled down the hallway. "Come on let’s go." She took Tiffany’s
    hand and gave it a slight squeeze. "Want me to leave a note for your Nan?"

    "If you don’t mind, that would be nice. Thanks."

    "Sure here get in the car I’ll be out in a moment. Tiffany took the keys from her outstretched
    hand and went outside. Trinity found a paper, and a pen left the note attached
    to the refrigerator’s door by a “life is good” magnet and locked the front door.

    Tiffany had started the car already Trinity put the car in reverse and was entering the address on her GPS as she backed down the driveway. "Do you want to stop and get anything before you go there? "

    "No, I just need to get there Trin. I can’t believe she’s gone. What could have happened? And why? I
    just don’t understand she was so young." She started sniffling again. Trinity handed her a tissue from the center console.

    "Hey, let's take it one step at a time ok? Let’s just get there then I’m sure David will fill you in."

    They drove in silence for the hour that it took to make the trip acrosstown. She pulled into a parking space and Tiffany got out. "Want me to come with you?"

    "No, let me see David first I’ll call you ok?"

    "No problem, Tiff call me if you need anything even if it’s just a hug

    Tiffany nodded her head. Closed the car's door and walked down the path to the beach house. Knocking on the door David opened his blue eyes blood shot and rimed with tears.
    He hugged Tiffany without saying a word, hard as if she were his only life line.

    He released her after a long moment, "Come in."

    Tiffany entered the house, and David sat on the sofa motioning for her to join him.

    "When?" Tiffany began

    "Last night I guess. I got a call just before I called you."

    "David, what happened?"

    "I’m not sure. She went to Turks for dinner and never came home. I just assumed…" he trailed off before a fresh bout of tears started to flow. His blond hair shaggy and tangled as if he had just woken up. "I assumed she had, had too much to drink to drive." He finished between sobs.

    "Turks?" She knew Turk, as a member of her coven. She knew him better than she wanted to. To say
    she was not his biggest fan was putting it mildly.

    "David I know this is hard, but I need to know exactly what happened." A terrifying thought was
    forming in her mind.

    "All I know is that they, the police rather found her in a warehouse downtown, burned as they put it 'nearly beyond recognition.' I still have to go down and ID her remains." He let out another sob as he spoke.
    "I don’t know what happened. They said it looked like she put up a fight. I tried to call Turk, but no one is answering at his place." She put an arm around his shoulders as fresh weeping escaped from him.

    "Want us to drive you to the coroners?"


    "Trinity drove me here." She took a deep breath to calm herself. She needed to think there was something about Turk, that she simply could not recall.

    "I can call a cab. I don’t want to botherher with all this." He gestured around him with his hands.

    "No trouble give me a moment ok." She fished around in her purse for a tissue, when she
    remembered the business card.

    "David, I’ll be right back ok." She sprung from her seat and bolted out the door. She took her cell phone and called Trinity first, bringing her up to speed on the situation. Trinity offered to drive them to ID the remains. Tiffany then dug to the bottom of her bag until she found the card Anna had given her. She punched the numbers written on the card into her phone and waited.

    “Hello.” The soft voice on the other end spoke.

    “Anna look this is Tiffany, I need to speak with Turk.” She blurted out

    “I’m sorry you missed me. Please leave a message after the tone, and I will return your call as soon as possible.” There was an electronic beeping sound after the last word.

    “Damn it all!” She yelled into the phone. “Anna This is Tiffany, I need to speak with Turk immediately. Please call me back as soon as you get this. Something terrible has happened.” Frustrated she hung up the phone and dialed the number for the Wiccan Shoppe.

    A male voice answered the phone. "Wiccan Shoppe, Fred here how may I assist you?”

    “Can I speak with Anna please?”

    “I’m sorry whom?”

    "Anna short red hair kind of looks like she stepped straight out of an Irish fairy

    “I’m sorry I’m new here give me a moment to check the employee
    files ok Miss?”

    "Fine, just hurry up please." Time seemed to stand still as she clutched the phone.

    "Ma’am Anna resigned about three weeks ago. I’m sorry, but I cannot give out any other information."

    "No that’s fine thank you." She hung up the phone, something stinks about this. I can feel it.
    She thought to herself as Trinity came running up the path.

    "Let me get David, be right back." She called as she opened the door to the house again.

    "Dave, Trin’s here we should get going." Trinity made a motion with her hand indicating that she would meet them in the car.

    Trinity called the police station and got the address of the coroners' office punching the
    information into the GPS as the man on the line spoke.

    "Ok, thank you Sir." She said as she hung up.

    "Buckle up guys." She directed herpassengers as they got into the car.

    She drove as fast as she dared through the heavy traffic. I hate Fudgeies she thought she as she cut drivers
    off to make her way down the express way. Shortly there after she entered the municipal complex. She parked and unlocked the doors for them as she asked, "Do you want me to come with you?"

    "If you don’t mind.” Tiffany said, as David sat silent in the back seat.

    “I can't do this.” He said after a few seconds of silence.

    “Your not alone David, we are here for you.” Tiffany reached her hand out to him, and he smacked it away.

    “I can’t do this!” He shouted at Tiffany his face contorted in rage and pain.
    Tiffany recoiled from him, shedding quiet tears at his outburst.

    It was Trinity,who spoke, “David, Look I know this is hard so listen to me carefully, first
    off, you are going to apologize to Tiff. Secondly you can and will do this because you have to. Look at me." she demanded him, “no look at me David.” He turned to her but could not meet her steady gaze.

    “I’m sorry.” He looked to the floorboard of the car as he spoke.

    “Don’t tell me tell Tiffany, she’s about the only person who knows how you feel at this moment, and David I
    don’t give a flying f**k what is going on you ever hit her again I will kill you. Do I make myself clear?” The anger she felt threatened to spill over she felt it building within her like a pressure kettle about to explode except this time her head was the vessel.

    “Please don’t talk to me like that.” David’s own anger started to take over.

    “David get your sorry ass out of my car right this instant, and tell Tiffany you're sorry before I come in there
    and drag it out.” Her neck muscles twitched with the tension that was building her vision narrowed to a pin pick that was focused on him alone.

    David glared at her, hatred apparent in his eyes, his hand moved the slightest bit in
    her direction. She had seen it, Tiffany did to. She tried to pull Trinity away before things got ugly, but she was far too slow. Trinty reached into the car and grabbed hold of David's over grown hair and pulled him out of the backseat roughly depositing him on the blacktop face down. She grabbed his arm and drove
    a knee into his spine while twisting his arm and pulling it up the wrong way
    over his head. He started calling out in pain.

    “You want to hit a woman? Do you?“ She screamed at him totally unaware of what she was doing. Tiffany kept pulling on Trinity trying desperately to pull her off him before she broke his arm... or worse.

    "Get the F off me B*tch!" David screamed back.

    Tiffany watched in horror as things went from bad to worse in that instant.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2017

  2. Trinity closed her eyes and the pressure that had been building inside
    her found it’s escape point. Tiffany watched as her friend morphed into
    something other than just a girl beating the crap out of some guy in a parking
    lot, into a full-fledged warrior who was out for blood. She seemed to grow
    taller, more muscular, deadlier.

    Trinity leaped to her feet deftly, reached down and grabbed David’s shirt dragging him across the pavement as she screamed a nearly incoherent string of obscenities at him. She kicked him hard in the ribs causing him to turn over as he grunted in pain. She was on top of him before Tiffany could drag her away, she landed punch after punch to his face, Screaming “Don’t ever, ever, talk to me like that do you hear me you pieceof crap?”... “Hit Tiffany will you. How do you like to be hit huh, you worthlesspunk?”

    "F you." David screamed at her while trying to protect himself from her blows.

    Tiffany watched in horror as her worst nightmares came to life before her eyes, Trinity stiffened eyes closed as if she were concentrating on some far-off point, her hands dug into his chest muscels hard
    enough to turn her knuckels white.

    David cried out in pain. It was the kind of cry that a seriously wounded animal would give, as he started bouncing off the ground, as if he were having a seizure. Uniformed men came out of
    nowhere, running towards the pair.

    Tiffany yelled at the man about to grab Trinity “Don’t touch her.”

    However, he did not listen, as he grabbed her shoulder, he too started violently convulsing unable to let go. A few seconds later Trinity opened her eyes David, and the police officer stopped shaking. The cop joined David on the ground in a crumpled heap.

    His partner stood gaping at the three. "What in God’s name was that?"

    "In God’s name indeed." Tiffany replied in a whisper. She had seen that power just
    once before in her life. It was the same power that Gretta had possessed.

    I know grammar and punctuation are a bit off still, but It's lacking something else... I just don't know what.
    Any ideas?
  3. Johnny Cosmo

    Johnny Cosmo Inkling

    Would this not be better in the showcase? I think people looking to give feedback are more likely to look for this kind thread there.
  4. I was asked if it is not finished to keep it out of the showcase... I guess it could be moved.
  5. Johnny Cosmo

    Johnny Cosmo Inkling

    My understanding was that nothing in the showcase is truly finished. At least, I've not come across a piece that required no feedback, and they are often re-written after a round of criticism. I guess it's up to the mods.

    That aside, what do you find wrong with the scene?
  6. Shadoe

    Shadoe Sage

    Let me toss out some things here. I'm almost asleep, so cut me some slack if I'm not clear. :)

    Oh, and don't read this if you get hurt by bluntness. I am told I can be that way.

    Is this the very beginning of something? If so, it starts out pretty weak, if that is the case. You might start out with the fourth paragraph. Start with the shock. It sets the scene. The stuff before kind of eases the reader into it and takes away from the effect. Also, Tiffany hanging up the phone and leisurely taking a seat. This also takes away from the effect. Try something like:

    Tiffany hung up the phone and fell into a seat at the bar, her eyes staring. "Greeta's dead," she whispered. She paused, sucking in lungfuls of air. "There was an attack. A fire broke out." Her eyes swung toward Trinity and a sob escaped. "She never stood a chance."

    Something like that anyway. You want your writing to match the tone you're trying to set.

    Also, there seems to be a lot of unnecessary actions in there. You don't have to describe everything everyone does. Again, think of the tone you're trying to set. For instance, the scene where Trinity gets ready to go. We might want to know that she threw jeans and a t-shirt on - but only if you're indicating that she just grabbed whatever was handy and ran out the door. We don't need to know that she grabbed her keys, where they were when she grabbed them - unless she was stumbling around trying to find them. We can just assume she got her keys at some point. Putting a lot of extra words in just slows the story and takes away from the effect.

    The same with a lot of the dialog. It sounds like a conversation you'd have in real life. But in stories, conversations are a lot more succinct. Watch television - cop shows, for instance. They have to use dialog that packs a lot of oomph because they've only got about a minute or two for each scene. Your characters should converse like that.

    Oh, the Wiccan Shoppe. That needs a new name. I've never met a pagan store that had a name like that. Google "pagan stores" to see what I mean. One listing has stores like, Azure Green, Abaxion, 13 Magical Moons, Avalon Risen, Celtic Grove, The Magick Cauldron, Spirit Stones... You get the idea.

    You've got a lot of -ly words. I've always found those to be fatal to fiction. I use them while I'm writing, but I've always found that when I go through and edit to take them out, the words sound better. And a lot of seemed and like. Never use those. Never use any kind of qualifiers, especially if you're writing a scene that should provoke an emotional response.

    Example: "David glared at her, hatred apparent in his eyes." Try: "David glared, hate in his eyes."

    Example: "The anger she felt threatened to spill over she felt it building within her like a pressure kettle about to explode." Try: "Her anger threatened to spill over. She was a pressure kettle about to explode."

    I think the biggest problem here is that you're writing like a police report. Complete sentences, step-by-step, that sort of thing. You have some very emotional scenes there, and your prose has to reflect that. The shock of the death - that might be time for some introspection, some cut off sentences, or ones that just... trail off... The anger at the end - that calls for short, punchy sentences, in-your-face rhetoric.

    Okay, I'm beat. G'night
  7. Angharad

    Angharad Troubadour

    I agree with Shadoe's critique: definitely cut out unnecessary descriptions and make things more concise. For example, instead of saying, "David cried out in pain. It was the kind of cry that a seriously wounded animal would give," just say, "David cried out in pain like a wounded animal." Also, the names Trinity and Tiffany are so similar that it was hard for me to keep them straight.
  8. No this is mid chapter, so not the beginigng earlier they were hanging out swimming and being goofy.

    The rest of your points Are good ones and I will see what can be done. Thanks. :)

    As for the stores name it's just a place holder till I can come up with something don't worry its not staying ;) Promise.

    But trinity and tiffany those names are staying.
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2011

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