Dear Drill: Advice Column

[Reaver]

Dear Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood,

I don't do movies with:

a. zombies
b. vampires
c. babes
d. Mars
e. werewolves
f. Nazis
g. super models
h. Hell

This is an advice column. My advice? Sit on it, Potsy.

Hope this helps,

Drill

Dear Drill,

I thought you might answer this way. How about the lead in
"I STILL JUST WANNA DANCE: THE JOSEF MENGELE STORY II" ?

It won't pay as much as ZOMBIE VAMPIRE BABES, but if all goes well, you could make quit a bit of money.

~Big Time Producer/Director/Writer/Actor in New Hollywood

 

[Devor]

Dear Weeps-for-Elephants,

I'm not sure which advice columnist you think to be rubbish, but I would suggest not following the advice of someone who finds chemical treatment for everything to be the best option.

I recommend this way in dealing with the conflicting advice: red pill or blue pill? Wait a minute...No pills!

Perhaps Dumbo is your spirit animal. I got this second opinion from my good witch doctor friend. Follow your spirit animal even if it tells you to eat peanuts all day.

Hope this helps,

Drill

Dear Drill,

I have decided to accept all of the advice I have been given. Everything feels calm to me. My spirit guide is telling me to cry, but I'm having trouble. Is my dosage too high? Is it because I keep telling myself he isn't real?

My son won't play with his new train set, even though it runs through the mouth of a giant elephant, whose trunk swings to bat it aside like in miniature golf. I used to think the whole thing was "awesome," but now I can't seem to remember that feeling. What would be fun about a train that drives through an elephants mouth and does loop-d-loops to come back out through the trunk it just rushed past? It's not as though I were on the train, though I can't imagine that would be exciting either.

We invited other children over for a play date, and my son hasn't shown any signs of selfishness. He lets them take his toys without much response, and they smashed a dent in the elephant's nose. Is that normal?

That reminds me, the Dear Pill column recommended a medical treatment for you. I'm quoting verbatim, "Tell mister Drill to take a little pill called chill." As that was a piece of advice which doesn't sound like a chemical treatment, I feel at liberty to take his recommendations.

Sincerely,
Dazed in New Jersey

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Dear Drill,

I am writing in response to your response to Weeps-for -Elephants.

You told him that the elephant was his spirit animal. Then I saw this quote beneath your signature:

"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

Robert E. Howard "The Tower of the Elephant"

Seeing how Robert E. Something Something etc.'s last name is Elephant, I can only assume that the elephant is your spirit animal too. That's funny, because sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, remove the large tusk from my mantle and run around in the dark trying to gore coyotes. I haven't actually killed any yet, but gee whiz that sure would satisfy me.

But would it satisfy Robert, our Elehant-god? Or would he be disappointed in me like my father was the time I tried to gore Frenchy, our 16-year-old Rottweiler? I'll never forget that look. Not my dad's look. I've blocked that out of my mind. But Frenchy just... he didn't respect me anymore. At first I thought it was the sweater I made him wear, but looking back, it was the goring attempt.

Oh, hell! I can't believe what I just did! I'd tell you but I'm out of paper and can only write so much in the lower margin of thi
~A Fan Who Just Wrote a Six Page Letter to You But Used the Other Five to Remedy a Noseblee