Lame Jokes

[Androxine Vortex]

I was really (REALLY) bored at work today and was trying to come up with incredibly lame jokes. I came up with two and thought I would share them.

What is the most unholy body part?


A blasfemur

-------------

(this one shouldn't be too inappropriate)

Why were the Greek gods afraid to have sex with Aphrodite?


They were afraid they might get harpies




Like I said, I was really bored XD Any jokes you guys have made share them below!

 

[Rikilamaro]

From my son:

"Why are the fish's grades always so bad?"

"Because they're underSEA!"

 

[Shockley]

Why did the rat run under the beer truck?

He wanted to get smashed.

 

[Shockley]

My favorite joke of all time is the quintessential 'lame' joke in that it lacks any functioning plot, punchline or humor. I usually communicate it verbally, but I jotted it down in word for the benefit of the forum.

Warning, it's explicit.

A man walked into a dive bar in south Texas and noticed a placard sitting on the counter. It read, in faded handwriting, 'Want $10,000? Ask for info.'
Intrigued, he asked. “Oh that.” said the bartender with a sick smile. “That's a game set up by the owner. It's simple enough. You start by taking five shots of bourbon and then I spin you around a few times. Then you go through that door in the back and there's the oldest, wrinkliest nun you've ever seen. You have to have sex with her for at least five minutes. In the next room, and here's the fun part, is an alligator. You have to knock out all of the alligator's teeth. It's safe – he's old and the proper tools are in the nun's room, but you have to get every single one of them or you don't get the money. After that, we just hand over the cash.”
The man thought about the offer. He thought about his daughter, who he was raising alone since his wife left him and all the nice clothes and things he could buy her.
“I'll do it.” He said.
So the bartender poured the bourbon and the man muscled right through. The bartender grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him five times and pointed him at the door.
The man, thoughts of money and his daughter in his head, staggered through the door and slammed it behind him.
Then there was a great raucous, as the screams of the nun and the man echoed out over the bar. The bartender had seen a few attempts at the prize and this was not unusual, but the silence that followed was new.
He waited for an hour before he opened the door.
The wrinkled nun lay there, her mouth all bloody and her teeth lined up in a perfect little row.
“Oh,” the bartender said with a slight chuckle. “The alcohol must have messed him up.” He had a morbid sense of humor about nuns.
Then a cold realization crept along his shoulders, and he realized what must be happening in the next room. He tried to laugh at the mental image, but something about bestiality just didn't sit right with him. He cracked the door and then slammed it shut.
He had seen horror, real horror, for the first time in his life. A pair of neatly folded jeans had been right inside the room, then a casually tossed shirt and a growing smear of blood that led directly to the alligator.
“Oh god.” He whispered. “Oh god.”

 

[Steerpike]

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll it be." The duck doesn't answer, because it's a duck.

---

A horse walks into a bar. Several people spot the potential danger in the situation and leave.

 

[Rikilamaro]

A piece of twine walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve twine here."

The twine leaves and returns a moment later. The bartender again says, "Aren't you the twine I just kicked out?"

The twine twists himself around and replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Steerpike]

A ventriloquist is performing his weekly stage show, running through a series of tried-and-true gags. At one point in his show he launches into a series of blonde jokes that have the audience chuckling. Things are going pretty well until finally a blonde woman in the middle row stands up, points her finger at the stage, and yells:

"That's it! I've had enough of this kind of blatant stereotyping. Blondes are stupid, blah blah blah! Don't you know we have feelings? Don't you know we're just as smart and capable as anyone else?"

The woman is so clearly distraught that the ventriloquist actually feels bad for the woman. He likes getting laughs, but he isn't out to really hurt anyone's feelings. Face red, he stammers "Um...gee...sorry, lady, I didn't mean..."

The blonde woman interrupts him, saying "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

 

[Rikilamaro]

Last one made me chuckle, Steer.

What did the cop say to his stomach?

"I've got you under a vest."

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

A crowded plane's engines fail.... Hurtling towards the ground, a crash seems unavoidable.

A pretty woman in the from row stands up and rips her dress off exposing skimpy lingerie.

She screams "Before I die I need a man! A REAL man that can make me feel like a woman!"

Ten rows back, a man leaps to his feet, ripping off his own shirt. When he reaches the woman he holds out the shirt at arm's length. "Iron this!"

(FYI, this is better if you act it out).

 

[Rikilamaro]

There's this family. Mom, dad, and a little boy.

One day the little boy walks in on his mother dressing and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

The mother replies, "That's my garden."

The next day the little boy walks in on his father using the restroom and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

The father replies, "That's my snake."

Several days later the little boy awakens during the night and comes into his parents' room. With horror in his voice the little boy shouts, "Mommy! Watch out! Daddy's snake is headed toward your garden!"

 

[Steerpike]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Do tell...

 

[Steerpike]

Do tell...

Doesn't matter. Feminists can't change anything.

(Before anyone is offended, that was told to me by a liberal feminist women's studies professor I was dating!)

 

[Ireth]

Q: What happened when the ship carrying a cargo of blue paint collided with one carrying red paint?
A: Both crews were marooned.

Two owls are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

 

[Rikilamaro]

Doesn't matter. Feminists can't change anything.

(Before anyone is offended, that was told to me by a liberal feminist women's studies professor I was dating!)

Uh huh. Sure.

 

[Steerpike]

Uh huh. Sure.

She also listened to rap, but I was forbidden from every even coming close to bringing it up at a gathering of colleagues, lol.

 

[Steerpike]

Q: Why did the boy fall out of the tree?
A: He had a neuromuscular disorder that made it hard for him to keep his balance.

 

[Saigonnus]

Q: Why did Simba's dad from the lion king get trampled by wildebeest??
A: He couldn't Mufasa...

Q: What's so tragic about a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seat?
A: Those empty seats.

Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired.

*The following is a little vulgar*

A man walks into the "crying horse" bar while on a business trip. Needing to relax from the long drive, he has a few beers and looks up at the bartender.

"Why is this place called the crying horse?" He asks.

"Well, we got this miserable old stallion in the barn out back, and we have a contest here at the bar; if you can make him laugh, you will get all your drinks for free." The man replies.

"Mind if I give it a try?" He asks after a couple more drinks.

Walking to the barn, he finds the stallion in a stall, his eyes welling with tears and all it takes to make the horse laugh is for the man to lean in and apparently hug his head, leaving the stallion laughing.

"Well, looks like you got your drinks for free." The bartender grumps.

On his next trip to the town, he returns to the bar and notices they changed the name to the "laughing horse", after a few drinks he asks the reason for the name change.

"Well, since you were here last we haven't managed to get that horse to shut up. The owners new contest is that if you can make him cry, you can have your drinks for free." He replies and is hardly surprised when he asks to give it a try.

Out in the barn, the man walks up to the horse and pulls his head low and whispers in the horse's ear and immediately tears flow down the horses face.

The bartender is astonished. "Well stranger, you get your drinks for free, but tell me how you did it?" He asks.

The stranger smiles. "Well, the last time I was here, I told him that my penis was bigger than his... this time I proved it."

 

[Rikilamaro]

She also listened to rap, but I was forbidden from every even coming close to bringing it up at a gathering of colleagues, lol.

Now that made me giggle.

 

[Steerpike]

Baudy humor doesn't bother me, but I will point out that given that the site is directed to teens as well as adults, we should probably refrain from using sexually-explicit languages and slang. When a joke crosses from something that is merely suggestive and suitable for broad audiences into something that is more "adult" in nature is a gray area, I admit, but let's be cognizant of it as the thread moves forward.

Thanks, cats!