Quick wording problem

[Jess A]

How to detect radiation?

Have a mage 'see' the magic. I have read plenty of stories where other mages can 'see' magic when it is cast (or the residue). Perhaps they can measure it by colour depth or the 'feel' of it - though it would be qualititative data (using the person's senses rather than mathematical measurement - e.g. 'how red is it' 'how bright is it' according to one's sight) unless you can find a way to quantify it without, say, a geiger counter.

I'm not so sure that they would term it 'radiation', however. Maybe a different name for that type of magic, one that evokes imagery of sickness and radiation?

 

[BWFoster78]

Again, though, some of the more backwoods/superstitious types are going to credit that kind of destruction not to a human magician, but a malevolent demon. Might want to think about including that element in when your MC is in a really backwards place - or close to the scene of such past destruction.

Hmmm...now that I think about it, there are issues with 'fantasy nukes' - the immediate biggie being 'just how do the characters know what radiation is in the first place'? combined with 'how do they know it is so dangerous?' Radiation usually takes sophisticated instruments to detect; and for somebody without those instruments - or at least a modern context - damage from radiation can easily be mistakenly attributed to something else. In a fantasy world, radiation poisoning would be seen as some sort of disease or curse - an aftereffect of the 'fantasy nuke', rather than the major part of its cause.

You don't need sophisticated instruments if you have guys running around who can sense and control it. The problem I'm having with my magic system is really the opposite of what you suggest: I don't want the people to be too technologically sophisticated.

 

[BWFoster78]

Do you need either one? It reads fine to me without. Grammar is not my strongest area, however.

I think so. It sounds even worse without it.

 

[BWFoster78]

How to detect radiation?

Have a mage 'see' the magic. I have read plenty of stories where other mages can 'see' magic when it is cast (or the residue). Perhaps they can measure it by colour depth or the 'feel' of it - though it would be qualititative data (using the person's senses rather than mathematical measurement - e.g. 'how red is it' 'how bright is it' according to one's sight) unless you can find a way to quantify it without, say, a geiger counter.

I'm not so sure that they would term it 'radiation', however. Maybe a different name for that type of magic, one that evokes imagery of sickness and radiation?

Kinda what I'm doing. Mages can sense and control their energy type.

Regarding terminology: I made the choice for to use modern language in an attempt to make the novel more accessible to the public at large. I'm not sure it will work or not, but that's the route I'm going.

 

[Steerpike]

I'd go with "here" in the last sentence.

 

[BWFoster78]

Going on the 26th post. Should we change the title to "Not so quick wording problem?"

 

[BWFoster78]

Another "quick" question -

I wrote the following in my novel:

Xan filled his lungs with the scent and closed his eyes. Smells like home.

A man with long gray hair tied with a leather strip in the back and a close cropped beard stood at a worktable. He glanced up. “Be with you in a second.”

I show Xan closing his eyes. Then I show his perception of what the show proprietor does next. Is it necessary to either say that Xan reopened his eyes or say that he closed his eyes briefly OR is it intuitively obvious that he does?

Note: The italics didn't show up well inside the quote. "Smells like home" should be italicized.

Thanks!

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

There's several ways you can handle this:

Two you've already stated. Either say he closed his eyes for a moment OR say he reopened them.... Both kind of blah in my opinion.

A third possibility is to describe the man he sees before he closes his eyes and connects the scent to a memory. Then when the man speaks he can still have his eyes closed and hear the words, knowing its the person he just saw who's talking.

I prefer the 3rd. It think it doesn't interrupt the memory that way.

 

[Ankari]

Actually, the quote is fine as it is. You are using third person limited, so the description itself suggests that your character is viewing the man.

 

[BWFoster78]

There's several ways you can handle this:

Two you've already stated. Either say he closed his eyes for a moment OR say he reopened them.... Both kind of blah in my opinion.

A third possibility is to describe the man he sees before he closes his eyes and connects the scent to a memory. Then when the man speaks he can still have his eyes closed and hear the words, knowing its the person he just saw who's talking.

I prefer the 3rd. It think it doesn't interrupt the memory that way.

I think that the question was more directed as to whether or not it's necessary to show him opening his eyes of if I can imply it.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I understand that.

I was just trying to point out that if the implication bothers you, as a writer, there are other ways to approach writing that scene.

Overall though, as a reader, the implication wouldn't bother me.

 

[BWFoster78]

I understand that.

I was just trying to point out that if the implication bothers you, as a writer, there are other ways to approach writing that scene.

Overall though, as a reader, the implication wouldn't bother me.

I'm not sure it bothers me as much as I want my writing to be clearly understandable.

I seem to have a problem thinking the reader will read stuff into my writing more than is actually reasonable. One of the guys who reads my stuff has the opposite problem. He explains everything. I'm trying to find that balance where I don't confuse the reader but I don't get bogged down either.

I'm hearing the guy's voice in my head telling me: Xan never opened his eyes.

I'd prefer not to mention it.

 

[Lawfire]

I show Xan closing his eyes. Then I show his perception of what the show proprietor does next. Is it necessary to either say that Xan reopened his eyes or say that he closed his eyes briefly OR is it intuitively obvious that he does?

I agree with Ankari. The implication is there. If nothing else, it goes against reason that he would stand there for an extended period of time with his eyes closed. He did not slip into a coma, he was experiencing a scent based memory.

If I would have any criticism of your piece, it would be the filling his lungs with the scent. To me, filling one's lungs makes me picture a deep inhalation through the mouth. The scent part does change that in my mind, but only after I began picturing it the other way. A little awkward, but it may be on my end.

 

[JCFarnham]

In your very first question, Here works far better for me. I've always been taught that "he felt more at home here" implied the character was actually in the place he's talking about. There is too distant.

This last question, the eye question. I would situate the description of the man earlier in the text, before the scent memory and the closing of the eyes. As you have it you the potential for both confusing the reader and implying that Xan opened his eyes when the man speaks. The way it will be taken entirely depends on the reader in question.

I personally didn't find anything amiss with it the way you have it now, but you mention your friend who would want it explained? Well, lets assume that he represents a significant group of people in society rather than just being an individual. I would rather leave the opening implied and word the context in a way that either way could be read as the right way. What I mean is this: Can you word it in a way that would suggest he obviously keeps his eyes closed and obviously reopens them? I really think this could be done in away that doesn't confuse matters more, but it might take some work I suppose.

Any way something to think about.

Your job as you seem to realise it probably not to jar the read from what they're reading. So remove any chance of them getting confused altogether.

Alternatively, leave it and trust them. I'm current reading the new Kim Stanley Robinson book in which almost none of the cultural bits are explained ahead of time, you just have to go with it and enjoy the story. On the one hand it add authenticity to the narrative voice (the view point in the book is someone within the culture. why would they explain things to themselves? however it is still 3rd person...). On the other hand, if you don't have the tolerence necessary to gloss of these things you might find the book irritating.

It does seem to boil down to the old "not being able to please everyone" addage, doesn't it. Suit yourself first. Then the person who is going to help you sell the book (obviously). All you can do is trust the reader is on the same wave length after that. You know you've done the best work you can, so maybe that's enough?

Anyway, I'll stop waxing philosophical on your quick question thread

 

[gavintonks]

Xan filled his lungs with the scent and closed his eyes. Smells like home.

Closing his eyes, as he filled his lungs, the scents reminded him of home, -and made him feel nostalgic -
The nostalgic scents of home assailed Xan when when he closed his eyes and filled his lungs with air
Xan smelled the scents when he filled his lungs with air, closing his eyes, he felt the nostalgia of home

Just playing with the idea I am not sure, but emotionally the closing of eyes makes a person introspective


A man with long gray hair tied with a leather strip in the back and a close cropped beard stood at a worktable. He glanced up. “Be with you in a second.”

While waiting, Xan took a breath and filled his lungs with air, which reminded him of home. He closed his eyes, "Be with you in a second," the words brought him back

time line is important
action of when the eyes are closed in the scene I think will be the answer
as he arrives sees the guy, is spoken too and while waiting breathes is reminded and closes his eyes to savor the smell