See. This is much more interesting than the original paragraph. It drew me right in.
Good job using that sentence, btw. I like it the way you worked it in.
But the tone changed. I don't want to mince ideas with you (although I am, so go ahead) but the image I got of the scene from the POV's writing was darker, more serious. In Gavintonks version it's a bit comical. I even think of Mogruk as a wussy in Gavintonk's version. I mean, an old woman is feigning a kick to Mogruk's backside.
If someone does something right, do we untrain that person to do something else? I think that the OP's version was a bit telling, but a few changes in his choice of words would preserve his tone and keep it from being overly telling.