The first one actually appeals to me more.
Same here. All of these sorts of topics are so heavily subjective that while it can be interesting and of value to discuss them, it is a mistake to assume you've hit on the "one true way."
The first one actually appeals to me more.
Same here. All of these sorts of topics are so heavily subjective that while it can be interesting and of value to discuss them, it is a mistake to assume you've hit on the "one true way."
I have to be honest, I think the in-media-res beginning in the draft you sent me worked better for me. This would be better squeezed into a later part of the story if possible.I know I'm sort of necroposting, but I liked this thread and I just re-wrote my introduction. I originally had an in-media-res beginning to my story, but the problem was that I couldn't start in the middle of any real action, so it felt kind of general and boring the more I re-read it. Here's my new beginning (technically it's my first 241 words, but close enough):
" Sometimes, nothing seemed better to her than to be unloved. Being loved can be a burden for any of us of course—an emotion that comes tied up with obligation, constraint, and the expectation of reciprocity—but it was especially so for Era, because of her father, and because of the lack of siblings to soften and divert the impact of loves that instead fell solely on her. Her father was the king of Arade, Jewel of Spirolia, after all, and Era was his only heir. Or, more accurately, the man who would marry Era would be the king’s only heir, and Era was the only legitimate conduit through which the royal line could continue. She was—she often felt—a sort of glorified basket, carrying things from here to there and that she would be completely uninteresting if not for her contents.
But because of those precious contents—title, royalty, fortunes, armies, power, the fate of a city—she was indeed interesting, and well-loved. Her people loved her because she seemed kind and generous from afar. Her family loved her because they thought she was dutiful. Men loved her because she was beautiful. And her suitors loved her because she was a basket. Not even a complete list, it was nevertheless an exhausting one that demanded constant attention. Nowhere on the list could Era find herself—but then, there was little that she loved about herself, so that was appropriate. "
I have to be honest, I think the in-media-res beginning in the draft you sent me worked better for me. This would be better squeezed into a later part of the story if possible.
Maybe it would look better in the context of the whole chapter. Would it be possible for you to share your revised first chapter in the Showcase?I was trying to go for something a bit more literary, I guess, and to establish tone/voice early on, but it's also a trickier thing to pull off.
Maybe it would look better in the context of the whole chapter. Would it be possible for you to share your revised first chapter in the Showcase?
Jabrosky said:Ketabu tugged the reins on her chariot's zebra to halt it. The yellow grass which stretched up to the zebra's shoulders grew too dense to allow further riding, as if she and her brother Puweni hadn't ridden far enough into the savanna. Acacia and baobab trees studded the landscape around them, but there appeared no more signs of Akhiptan civilization. No temples or shrines, no obelisks, not even farmers' huts. Even the great pyramids in which Ketabu and Puweni's ancestors rested had disappeared uncounted hours behind them.
Never before had either of them ventured so far into the northern frontier, away from the safety of their father's palace. The neck-hairs behind Ketabu's cornrows prickled from that mere consideration.
After checking the sword sheathed along her belt, she fished out her hunting bow and quiver and leaped off her chariot. Perspiration glittered all over her dark brown figure, which a youth's worth of training in the fighting arts had sculpted lithe yet muscular. A bejeweled cobra rearing from her gold headband showed Ketabu's status as a daughter of King Djekahi himself. Most women throughout Akhiptu would have envied that privilege, yet they did not know that with great privilege came great risks.
Especially if you went beyond the boundaries of that privilege.
For my own current WIP I had my protagonist perform an action in the very first sentence, and then described her and the surroundings. I'm going to emulate Nameback by pimping the first ~200 words of my opening scene.
Thank you.I think it's a good opening because it establishes place very clearly (Egypt-esque) and makes us wonder what's going on. Why are they so far from home? Why are they armed and what are they looking for? I think raising questions early on is a good move. I think there's perhaps just a tad too much exposition and maybe fewer names would be better, as that can confuse a reader all at once. Also, minor quibble, but zebras are notoriously ornery animals and basically impossible to train. Then again, I'm sure you know that and there's a reason for it, but it thew me for a bit of a loop, because I'm pedantic like that.
Thank you.
I get that wild zebras in the real world are impossible to train, but these are obviously a domesticated breed. Besides, they fit the setting better than garden-variety horses in my opinion.
Are we thinking prologue or chapter 1?
Many readers skip prologues. Just something to be aware of.I kinda designed my prologue to hopefully hook. And of course, I would assume that is what most readers read first.