Dear Drill: Advice Column

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

Why didn't you get the Academy Award for Best Supporting Extra in a Dramatic Film for your role as "Wrestler #2 using urinal and exiting without washing hands" in The Wrestler? And please don't tell me it's Hollywood Politics. You were awesome in that movie! Your performance gave me chills! Mickey Rourke's performance was Bush League!

~Beyond Disappointed in Spokane

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Beyond Disappointed in Spokane,

I wasn't supposed to be in that scene. It's like the ghost in "Three Men and Baby." I typically don't wash my hands after matches as I like to keep the blood on my hands and rub them on snack food in convenience stores. But that's a long story.

My advice, even though you didn't ask for any, is to stay away from the pickled pork feet.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

Stay away from the pickled pork feet? Hell to the no. Next thing you know you'll be telling me to stay away from the bowls of mixed nuts in all the shady bars I frequent. After that, you'll "advise" me to avoid going home with hot Italian women that I meet in some nightclub in Rome, and to NOT drink a "herbal" tea that they give me. And to NOT drink a second cup when they go to change into their slinky little nighties.

Any other advice Doctor?

~Still Reeling from My Trip to Rome

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Dear Drill,

Why didn't you start this column BEFORE Reaver went to Italy? He could've used your advice then!

~Not Minding My Own Business, Realizing I Should Be, and Getting in My Car to See if Leominster Is Still in the U.S.A.

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

Why didn't you start this column BEFORE Reaver went to Italy? He could've used your advice then!

~Not Minding My Own Business, Realizing I Should Be, and Getting in My Car to See if Leominster Is Still in the U.S.A.

Yeah. What's up with that?

And by the way: You're performance as "Two-Face's Henchman #5" in Batman Forever and as the voice of Smaug's mentally challenged, cross-eyed brother, Waug, in Rankin/Bass' The Hobbit was awesome.

How do I get into cool movies like that?

-Starstruck in the Pacific Northwest

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear the Three of You that Just Wrote in Rapid Succession,

Are you sure you're all not just the raging, paranoid guy that gets medical supplies from a guy with three hands?

The Italian women were obviously trying to make you feel at home. Drinking herbal tea is perfectly fine. Just when you wake up with your kidneys missing, don't say I didn't warn you.

You can't get in cool movies like me. You can audition for straight to DVD fare if you wish. That's how I started out. "Helicopter Warlords" was my first one followed by the horror classic "Don't Look at Me with Another Person's Eyes Because that's Not Acceptable."

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

Okay. Just so you know, I'm not the same guy as the other three. I'm just using this Reaver guy's account to get free advice from you. It's way cheaper than paying for a shrink and you're a lot smarter than that old chick in the newspaper.

Unlike those other dudes, I was in fifteen "straight-to-video" (that's right, I said video-First BetaMax, then LaserDisc then VHS) movies:
Cyborg Massacre

Cyborg Masscre 2: Blood Everywhere

Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars

Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 2: Rescue Mission

Frankenstein Vs. Hitler

Frankenstein Vs. Hitler 2: Total Destruction

LigerMan

LigerMan II:The Return of Dr. Nazi

LigerMan III: The Quest for Nuclear Disarmament

Hercules Vs. The Third Reich

Hercules Vs. The Werewolf of London

Hercules Vs. Professor Diabolico

Robodolphin

Robodolphin 2: Surf's Up

Zombie Shakespeare


Now what do I do?

~Making Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 3: What Happened to Uranus?

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Making Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 3: What Happened to Uranus?

I was in Robodolphin 2! We must have seen each other at some point. I was "Dolphin Lancer #2" in the big scene vs. the surfing bear, Momo.

You seem to be good at doing sequels which is a rare quality for an actor unless you're a big name. I'm assuming you have production credits on these films as well. Your core market seems to be the standard horror fare mixed with history, science fiction, and/or bastardized robot creatures.

I would suggest branching out from your path. Zombie Shakespeare seems like a step in the right direction. Perhaps try to get onto the off-Broadway musical "Descartes: A Deconstruction of Modes." If that's too much of a leap for you at the moment, perhaps try the lighter "George Washington vs. the Minotaur Horde." It's a pretty good musical and with your acting chops you'd probably be a ringer for either George Washington or "Minotaur Marauder #2." He's got a fair share of solos.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill-

Hey! I think I remember you! I really can't say for certain though because I was on a serious alchohol/benzodiazepam binge pretty much the whole time.

I was in fact Executive Producer on fourteen of the fifteen movies. I declined the Producer tag on Zombie Shakespeare because I co-wrote and directed it. I also starred as Shakespeare, so I let my co-writer, a great guy who I'll call J.H. take the helm as the Head Honcho.

Thanks for the advice on the musicals, but I haven't done any of those since
"I Just Wanna Dance: The Josef Mengele Story"

Needless to say it didn't really take off the way I hoped. Stupid liberal protestors. Oh well.
I heard that there's an Off-Broadway version of the Bob Crane story called: "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round My Neck"
opening this summer. I think I'll audition for the parts of Bob and Werner Klemperer.

Sign me as: Ready to Sing in Spokane

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Dear Drill,

My daughter left the Little Mermaid's bra on the floor last night. When I opened the drawer where she keeps her Disney Princesses and Disney Fairies to put it away, the princesses were wearing nothing but flesh-toned panties, and... I think the Little Mermaid was nursing Tinkerbell.

I opened the drawer again this morning, and the orgy is still going on.

If the fairies sleep in a different drawer, will the princesses sleep with their clothes on? If not, how can I protect my daughters from being exposed to a lifestyle that she is too young to understand?

~A Concerned Father Who Is NOT the Same Guy You Saw at the Costume Shop Buying a Mermaid Outfit and a Red Wig for His Wife

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

My ex-wife bought the entire Smurfs series for my kids. Now every time they come to visit me it MUST be watched, OVER AAND OVER AAAND OVER...

This is too much for me. That theme song is driving me mad. MAD I TELL YOU!

I caught myself humming that tune on the way home from work today.

WHY CAN'T I GET THAT S****ING SONG OUT OF MY HEAD?

~SLOWLY GOING INSANE IN SMURFTOWN

 

[Steerpike]

Dear Drill:

My cat, Azrael, and I keep trying to kill these insufferable blue creatures called "Smurfs." Every plan we enact fails. But even though those plans fail only due to one easily fixable flaw, I toss the entire scheme out the window and move on to the next even more implausible plot to kill or capture the vermin. Please advise.

-Gargamel

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear A Concerned Father Who Is NOT the Same Guy You Saw at the Costume Shop Buying a Mermaid Outfit and a Red Wig for His Wife,

Uh, what was the question again? Sorry, I think this is out of my league for once.

Just take two of these and call me in the morning.

Hope this helps,

Drill


Dear SLOWLY GOING INSANE IN SMURFTOWN,

I think the correct term you are looking for is Smurf Village. I think you should fight fire with fire. Buy the live action Smurfs movie and play it on loop. The two black holes may cancel each other out or smash particles together to create the Higgs Boson.

The live action Smurfs movie is the equivalent of pouring Drain-O into your skull. Be wary. Don't try this unless the Smurfs song is just absolutely boring a hole into your head.

Hope this helps,

Drill


Dear Gargamel,

Just buy a bulldozer and run them over. Your magic is obviously inadequate and your cat is a poor mouser.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Steerpike]

Dear Gargamel,

Just buy a bulldozer and run them over. Your magic is obviously inadequate and your cat is a poor mouser.

Hope this helps,

Drill

............................................................................./char

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

I know that you don't trust any type of business agent, be they literary or talent, so I would like to ask you if you'd like to star in my newest film:
ZOMBIE VAMPIRE BABES FROM MARS VS. WEREWOLF NAZI SUPER MODELS FROM HELL.

Although my budget for the entire film is a paltry $3 million, I'm willing to pay you a minimum of $35,000. Of course, this sum is negotiable up to $37,000.

~Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood.

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood,

I don't do movies with:

a. zombies
b. vampires
c. babes
d. Mars
e. werewolves
f. Nazis
g. super models
h. Hell

This is an advice column. My advice? Sit on it, Potsy.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Muqtada]

Dear Drill,

I want to make money from home. All I've really got for talents are writing and my dashing good looks (which are actually mediocre). What should I do?

Too Lazy to Want a 'Real' Job

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Dear Drill,

Is Muqtada one of the seven samurai or one of the thirty bandits? The only thing I am sure of is that if he is a samurai, he is not Kikuchiyo since the triangle represents him.

Curiously,
~ Some Guy Who Could've Just Asked Muqtada in His Intro Thread But Missed the Opportunity and Well Here We Are on the Dr. Drill Thread So Why Not Ask This Now and Don't Say Because This Is an Advice Column Because That's Kind of a Cop Out If You Ask Me Not That Anyone Did Ha Ha But Gimme a Break Because I Saw the Circle and Told Myself Okay Sidekick Ask Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace Which If You'll Pardon the Wild Tangent Reminds Me of the Night I Proposed to My Wife But That Is Another Story

 

[Devor]

Dear Drill,

After reading your advice for dealing with my son and possible issues with Dumbo, I realized that I had no choice but to seek a second opinion. The Dear Pill column suggested that I over-sympathize with Dumbo because of unresolved childhood issues and that I might need to take mood stabilizing drugs to cope with my Dumbo-centric lifestyle. He also suggested that my two year old son might have issues of hyper-activity and that he needs to be treated for ADHD.

Mr. Drill, how do you recommend I choose between the advice of conflicting columnists? And how should I go about breaking up with a columnist whose advice I decide to be rubbish?

Sincerely,
Weeps-for-Elephants

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Too Lazy to Want a 'Real' Job,

There are plenty of legitimate work from home practices but most of them that actually bring in income involve taking care of children or pets. If you're ok with that, you may have a career in store. I'd suggest moving to somewhere more prevalent to life coaches and such as you may get more business that way.

Hope this helps,

Drill

***

Dear Some Guy, etc...

Yes.

Hope this helps,

Drill

***

Dear Weeps-for-Elephants,

I'm not sure which advice columnist you think to be rubbish, but I would suggest not following the advice of someone who finds chemical treatment for everything to be the best option.

I recommend this way in dealing with the conflicting advice: red pill or blue pill? Wait a minute...No pills!

Perhaps Dumbo is your spirit animal. I got this second opinion from my good witch doctor friend. Follow your spirit animal even if it tells you to eat peanuts all day.

Hope this helps,

Drill