The worst movie ever...

[Legendary Sidekick]

Did I already mention Batman and Robin? When I saw that in the theater, I remember a scene with Dr. Freeze on the phone. Arnold actually looked bored doing that scene.

And him talking tough as he shares a cell with Poison Ivy, like he's going to make prison life miserable for her but in a PG-13-friendly way. Okay… so after he torments her or threatens to, what? He sleeps, she kisses him, he dies?

 

[Ireth]

Did I already mention Batman and Robin? When I saw that in the theater, I remember a scene with Dr. Freeze on the phone. Arnold actually looked bored doing that scene.

And him talking tough as he shares a cell with Poison Ivy, like he's going to make prison life miserable for her but in a PG-13-friendly way. Okay… so after he torments her or threatens to, what? He sleeps, she kisses him, he dies?

Batman and Robin was indeed awful. Three words: BAT CREDIT CARD.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

I forgot about the card.

I didn't forget The Thin Red Line when Woody Harrelson blew his butt off with a hand grenade and cried, "Now I'm gonna die with no ass." I couldn't feel sad or amused. Just bored. And ripped off.

 

[Caged Maiden]

hah that line is awesome! And I, too, liked Pitch Black. Now, Meet Joe Black... there was a stinker...

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

The part where he gets hit by not one, but two cars is awesome!

Warning: Death scene too funny to be taken seriously and counted as violence.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Pitch Black, I think you mean, Legendary Sidekick. I like that movie

They also made a nice video game with the main character, Riddick. Not sure if it was an X-Box only title, but it was fun.

I'm a little freaked out that I ripped apart that movie without even remembering its name, and not twelve hours later I see this ad on DeviantArt:

 

[TWErvin2]

The absolute worst movie, ever:

Message from Space

No competition, no question. Take a look at the trailer (link above) and that's the 'positive' highlights of the film...

 

[Steerpike]

I'm a little freaked out that I ripped apart that movie without even remembering its name, and not twelve hours later I see this ad on DeviantArt:

Yeah, I'm sure I'm going to go see that one.

 

[SeverinR]

The part where he gets hit by not one, but two cars is awesome!

Warning: Death scene too funny to be taken seriously and counted as violence.

As God(Morgan Freeman) said "You can't sit down in the middle of a freeway..." You can't stand in a busy street and not get hit.

The thing about the worst movie ever...When you think they finally hit rock bottom, they penetrate another core and go deeper.

 

[Scribble]

I can think of so many bad movies, some of them involving nipples on super-hero suits, or a certain red-haired swordswoman in misogynistic plots. There are movies that are bad because they lack a good writer, director, and actors. Sometimes, I can forgive all these and just enjoy what is there.

What I think makes a really bad movie is one that had everything going for it, but somehow it still failed, for me, at least. This being very subjective, as a science geek, when I watch a "science fiction" movie, I expect certain things.

The dumbness of Prometheus was so profound I couldn't begin to point out all the glaring holes. I was so excited about it, but they failed to make a movie I could enjoy. A first year science student could have helped them with the story. They would have done it for free... biologists taking their helmets off on a planet that has life... um microbes?... yeah, just breathe em in, what could go wrong? If you know nothing about science or medicine, then this might be a good little story.

Whatevs. I was so peeved I couldn't be bothered to write a review. I did however write one of After Earth.

1/5 stars

After Earth, starring Jaden and Will Smith is a visually attractive science fantasy film with plenty of action. Unfortunately, the action was not enough to carry what was a highly contrived story that left me asking questions, and the questions had no good answers.

Will Smith's character Cypher Raige is a hard-ass general in some futuristic Earth colony where they fight blind alien predator creatures who smell fear by sniffing human pheromones. The upshot is that if you have no fear, you are invisible to them. That's kind of cool, a bit of a stretch, but I'll buy it.

They train to be these super hard-assed rangers who have no fear. They fight using some kind of of futuristic weapon that generates any number of super-sharp carbon blades. Maybe it's made with carbon nanotubes? I hear they can do anything. What about something that shoots, like a laser? Nevermind.

Cypher Raige (what a cool name...) has been busy kicking alien ass and he comes home to find his son, training really hard to impress him, but full of young man rage and resentment towards his dad for being absent. After a scene where he gives his wife a marble...? she chides him, resulting in his decision to bring his son on his next mission. He claims he intends to retire after this one so he can spend more time with his family. This guy is so awesome, if only he can connect with his son. This might be their chance. I felt kind of happy for the son at that point. It really is a nice relationship their have, if only it were more believable.

The problems begin early on. There are some massively obvious setups for future emotional tugs that they lose all their their emotional charge.

Through a set unfortunate space travel circumstances they accidentally get stuck in an asteroid field, bust up the ship, that happens to have one of the human hunter monsters on board (for training purposes), and they end up on old Earth that was evacuated. They crash land on Earth.

Now, for some unexplained reason, the Earth animals have evolved to hunt humans, who haven't been there for a really long time because the air is now hard to breathe...? Okay. The only two survivors are General Cypher, his son, and apparently the human killing, fear smelling monster. I started to smell something at this point in the movie, and it wasn't fear.

So, Cypher's leg is broken, and the beacon to call for help is busted, but there's another in the tail of the ship, which is 4 days travel there and back, and they have exactly 4 days of "Earth atmosphere breathing capsules they drink"... It's so contrived it starts to hurt your brain.

So, young Kitai Raige sets out, and luckily they have some video surveillance bots, that nobody ever sees, his dad at the crashed head of the spaceship can see what his son is doing. Why didn't they have any that could go and get the beacon? Those would be very handy robots to have. Anyways...

It just goes from bad to worse. Young Kitai escapes killer monkeys and then a giant eagle. He tries to save the eagle's 12 or so hatchlings from tree climbing super lions, and that's when he makes a friend.

Now for some unexplained reason, the Earth goes super freezing every night at sundown. Yet, the plants survive and all the animals too. We must assume they all burrow. Young Kitai gets stuck outside and almost freezes, but luckily his bird friend comes and rescues him, makes a nest and puts the near-frozen Kitai inside and then sacrifices itself to keep him warm, so he can get to the tail of the spaceship. Kitai gives the dead giant eagle a pat to thank it for saving him.

I have to stop from the dumbness of this movie to ask a few little questions that cropped up.

How long have people been away from earth? They said it was like 1000 years. Not nearly enough time for animals to evolve like this.
What could cause the Earth to get so cold at night? It looks like they are in the rain forest, and okay, the leaves curl up a bit... but what causes it? Is the Earth in a strange wobble now? Is the night so long that it gets that cold? But no, it seems like regular time. Maybe something to do with the air change - that humans can't breathe well but the animals can...maybe humans borked something up? But wouldn't other mammals die? Or maybe humans were bio-engineered to survive on the new planet which made breathing on the old planet difficult? I dunno.
How did all the species of Earth "evolve to kill humans"? Did the enemy aliens do that? If humans have been away for so long, how did all the animals remember that they were evolved to hunt humans? And did anyone writing this movie understand anything about evolution?

It just goes on. I won't ruin the end, but it doesn't matter because you can always see it coming.

The action was good. It was tense.

The visuals were good. Too good. At one point Kitai enters a cave, and there are lovely lava rivers flowing here, and a forest of giant crystals there. Very lovely. The gadgets were okay.

The beacon, what they were looking for, is more than a radio beacon. It shoots a bolt of light like Tron talking to the user, out into space, like a light from God himself. Quite a nice design for an emergency beacon. If you were ever trapped on a planet, you'd want a spectacular light show. Where the energy comes from, it isn't clear.

Emotionally two-dimensional. Nice gadgets, the weapon thingy? Did I already mention that?

It was bad. Very, very bad. 1 star out of 5.

When Gandalf was saved by the eagle, I cheered. When Jaden was saved by the eagle, I laughed. You have to frame the story with it's own logic. You can't just throw magic in there while pretending it's science, or you lose me.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

The part where he gets hit by not one, but two cars is awesome!

Warning: Death scene too funny to be taken seriously and counted as violence.

Cause of death: Joe Black continues to slide for three blocks then falls down an open manhole.

 

[Reaver]

UGH...After Earth was godawful. Prometheus was so terrible it was funny. I especially like the end where this giant ship is toppling over and the chick is running away IN A STRAIGHT LINE. That scene was hilarious!

But even worse was the ending bridge scene of The Fast and the Furious 6 (that's no typo friends, this franchise has SIX steaming piles of shit in its corral and number 7 is currently passing through some Hollywood exec's colon as I type).

I won't describe it here...a scene this horribly funny has to be experienced

 

[Steerpike]

Running in a straight line was is an unfortunate device from every bad horror movie. Makes no sense. One of the other stupid things about that movie was that the guy who was supposed to be a biologist had no protocol whatsoever for dealing with unknown alien life forms.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

...this franchise has SIX steaming piles of shit in its corral and number 7 is currently passing through some Hollywood exec's colon as I type).

That gave me a good chuckle. It's a sad state of affairs that there's a market for these.

 

[SeverinR]

Cause of death: Joe Black continues to slide for three blocks then falls down an open manhole.

Definately and literally, overkill.

 

[Scribble]

Running in a straight line was is an unfortunate device from every bad horror movie. Makes no sense. One of the other stupid things about that movie was that the guy who was supposed to be a biologist had no protocol whatsoever for dealing with unknown alien life forms.

I don't get it because Scott is not a dumb guy, he's rolling the Prophets of Science Fiction show, which is awesome, and he's got Blade Runner under his belt... I dunno what happened there. Disaster.

For a good laugh at Prometheus, check out this very spoilerific spoof trailer:

Spoiler: Spoilers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBaKqOMGPWc

 

[Shockley]

I would say that some obscure Bulgarian snuff film probably ranks up there, but I've never seen that.

Out of the movies I have physically seen, Cannibal Holocaust, and only because I was pre-aware of the treatment of animals on the set.

 

[Sparkie]

How is it that The Beast of Yucca Flats hasn't been brought up yet?

Beast of Yucca Flats - YouTube

MST3K Beast Of Yucca Flats.avi - YouTube

 

[Bruce McKnight]

I'll assume you all know better than to watch anything with Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan, but one movie that I especially disenjoyed that other people seemed to like was Jerry Maguire. The guy had a job and woman then got a new job and a new woman. How did that take two and a half hours of my life?

 

[Nihal]

I usually stay away from bad movies and couldn't recall something bad enough to be mentioned there.

Today some channel was reprising Van Helsing. It might not be the worst movie, but I can't understand how someone would pour so much money into a movie (good effects for its time, good environment and some decent character designs, stars casting, etc) and pick such a terribly written story.